Roo? I cock my furry Labrador head, staring at Irma Horfendorff in cute-dog befuddlement.
She leans in and wags her finger at me. “BliggoPiggo LugWeebleNeebs.”
Arf? My head stays cocked.
Then she puts on a witch’s hat, brandishes a magic wand, and exclaims, “MAN-O-MY-LIFE…APPEAR!!!”
My spine begins lengthening; my back paws widen and flatten, and the fur on my limbs creeps inward. My forepaws do the same—my nubby little claws lengthen into long, tendril-like fingers. My body keeps expanding until I’m 5 feet, 7 inches high (dammit—why couldn’t it have kept going for five more inches??? Oh well—my thick, upcurved cock, handsome mug, and ripped body make up for my seeming lack of height…I guess.)
Irma crosses her arms. “Ribblongko ArgleBargleNangkle.”
I give her a puzzled look. “What?”
With more irritation this time: “Ribblongko ArgleBargleNangkle!”
I shrug my shoulders and hold my hands out. “Sorry—I can’t understand you.”
She takes out a bullwhip and cracks it several times by my ear, making me jump and squeal.
“YOU MINE! MY PROPERTY! YOU MINE!!!” (Interesting that those are the only phrases she can fully articulate.)
She’s crowded me into a corner. I’m crouched against it, quivering in fear, head bowed into my knees, hugging my legs. “Please…” I extend my hands in a don’t-hurt-me gesture. “I can barely understand you…your buck nuts crazy is distorting your speech into an unintelligible—”
“YOG-THOTHEN BAHTHEN EN-COOLI-PUS! YARGLE-BARGLE!” She points at a rebar-crafted cage on the far side of the room, a gray bowl of gruel in the center of its floor. She wants me to get in and be her man-slave.
Fuck that! Kent Wayne ain’t meant for no jacked-up codependency where he loses his individuality a piece at a time, until he can’t pop boners and spends all his free time shopping at the Container Store!
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My body transforms back into the freewheeling, goofus-roofus Labrador that I’ll always be, deep down in my silly heart. She screams in outrage and lunges forward, trying to grab me, but I squirt sideways and run past her. As she bangs against the wall, I churn my legs with delirious abandon, accelerating into a balls-out sprint. I crash through the window, and due to my adrenaline-flooded brain, everything goes slo-mo; shards of glass revolve and twinkle, catching the brilliant sunlight along their flats and edges. The green grass ripples lazily, set aflutter by a warm gust of soothing summer wind.
Then I hit the lawn and I’m running like mad, my slobbery tongue flying out from the side of my mouth. I’m all teeth and brightened eyes—when Labrador Wayne is running from the possibility of a whip-cracking ex, my shit-eating grin kicks into 11th gear.
“RIGTHOGGO BLINGCOCK! YARG YO! YARG YO, BLEGH NOOOOOOOOOOoooooogggggg…..”
I can’t understand her, but I can hazard a guess. It goes something like:
“GET BACK HERE! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU, KENT WAAAAAaaayyyynnnnee….”
Music to my ears.
Is your crazy-as-fuck ex trying to transform you from a freewheeling Happy Face into a cowering wretch of a man who has to eat gruel from the bottom of a rebar-crafted cage? Never fear!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜