Oprah holds my book up and beams at the camera. “So this is my new obsession, Kent Wayne’s New York Times Bestseller: ‘Much Obliged, Motherfucker.’ And right now, I have Kent here with us, who’s going to tell us all about it.” She turns to me and gestures with an open hand. “Go ahead, Kent.”
I cross my dress-pants-clad legs in the “smart guy” leg-cross. It squeezes my dick between my thighs (fucking OUCH), and makes my pendulous ballsack bulge against the high-quality garbadine (it looks like I’m smuggling an oversized bullfrog-ribbit right beside my taint), but still—it makes me look really really smart.
As the ladies in the audience clap and squeal from the big ol’ ball-bulge protruding from beneath my hamstrings, I throw Oprah an easy grin. “ ‘Much Obliged, Motherfucker’ is a series of ridiculous vignettes where I beat the shit out of some random asshole, then make some ironic gesture which references their blatant idiocy, tell them ‘much obliged, motherfucker,’ and walk off into the sunset. For example, in one of the chapters, this one dude keeps following me around, assaulting me with his unbelievably disgusting halitosis. Well the long and short of it is I rip off his arm and shove it up his ass, elbow deep. Then I reach in his pocket, take his can of breath mints, pop one in my mouth, say, ‘much obliged, motherfucker,’ and walk away.”
Oprah wrinkles her brow. “Hmmm….” I can tell she’s biting her tongue.
I give her a shrug. “It doesn’t really have to make any sense—it only has to give the appearance of it. Kinda like life, you know?”
Her brow stays wrinkled. “I guess…um…are all your stories like that?”
I start to get nervous; sweat springs out across my brow. “Um…uh…”
“Yeah…” she hisses through her teeth. “I’m not sure I can recommend your book, Kent. It’s not really Book Club material.”
“Now hold on a second. Just let me explain—”
She looks off to the side and gestures for security. “Guys? If you would?”
Shit. SHIT! This is not at ALL how I thought this was gonna go!
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Dance-hall lighting drenches the set, dotting the walls and floor with multicolored blotches. K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s funky classic “Get Down Tonight,” starts blasting through the air, and my clothes vanish in a finger-snap twitch.
When the ladies in the audience see what I’m packing, they all go wild. I leap up from the chair and spread my arms.
“WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME LASSO TRICKS?”
A roar of approval erupts from the audience: “WHOOOOOOOO!!!!”
I tie off my wiener and start walking in and out of the loop, then I run it up and down my body. The security guards try to step on stage so they can pull me off it, but a horde of horny ladies rip them apart like they were the Selfish Guy in [take your pick of zombie movie].
It takes a few seconds for Oprah to realize what’s happening. When it fully settles in, she sinks her brow into the crook of her forefinger and thumb, and shakes her head in utter disgust.
Much obliged, Oprah—much obliged. HEH heh heh!
Have you poured your heart and soul into your book, made it to the big time, then suddenly been given the bait and switch by America’s #1 talk show host? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜