Try to imagine yourself from a universal perspective. A tiny little meatling that couldn’t survive in most regions of the known universe…the solar system, space, other planets (hell, most of the Earth—most of our mud ball is a vast swath of ocean). A tiny little meatling that apparently evolved from a somewhat-understood expansion of energy that was triggered fourteen billion years ago, an expansion that gave rise to constraints we treat as definitive like space and time, although if you ever take a quick look around, you can easily see how those two things are anything BUT definitive—how they distort and change across the vacuum of space, depending on the configuration of gravity and other stuff.
A tiny little meatling. That’s me. That’s you.
But all that stuff is rendered irrelevant by a singular, undeniable fact:
I have a wiener. And it’s fun to play with.
Yeah—as soon as I wake up, cue the “Flight of the Bumblebee” music, because that’s the tempo I jerk my wiener to—all day EVERY day, know wh’um sayin’??? Jerk jerk jerk HNGH! Time for a pizza! Jerk jerk jerk HNGH! Time for some Starcraft! Jerk jerk jerk HNGH! You get the idea. Jerk jerk jerk, something something something, jerk jerk jerk, etcetera etcetera etcetera.
So I’m doing my thing, killing sperm left and right, leaving their filthy, desecrated corpses drying on the crusty killing fields that some call my socks and kleenex, when a booming voice sounds from everywhere:
Da fuq? I look wildly around. “Who the—”
“YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS.”
The Big Guy.
“YOU’VE WASTED YOUR LIFE—TEN JERKS PER DAY IS FINE, BUT TWENTY??? UNACCEPTABLE, KENT. I’M GOING TO SEND YOU DOWN TO THE BAD PLACE. YOU’RE GOING TO WORK FOR ASMAGOTH THE DEFILER—HE RUNS THE CUBICLE DIVISION.”
“No!” I squeal. “I can’t work in a cubicle! I can’t—”
“UNLESS YOU CONVINCE ME THAT I SHOULD KEEP YOU AROUND IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, GET READY FOR ASMAGOTH. YOU HAVE ONE CHANCE.”
Shit. No options left. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The stories I’m planning blink into existence, forming a holographic montage around my head. The Unbound Realm, a detective noir set in the astral plane, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl…those are only three—there’s dozens more.
I can almost imagine him stroking a giant, snowy beard, wrinkling his bushy brow as he weighs my storytelling potential against my sins.
“OKAY,” he booms. “YOU GET A PASS. BUT I BETTER SEE YOU WORKING, KENT. OR ELSE IT’S ASMAGOTH—NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS ABOUT IT.”
“Thank you!” I gibber. “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU—”
There’s a subtle shift in air pressure, and an eerie “lessening of presence,” if that makes any sense. It’s like someone’s watching you, and even though you can’t see them, you can tell when they leave, because that invisible pressure leaves with them.
Alright! Time to get to work! But first…Fiftyplusmilfs—gotta get in one more jerk!
I open a browser window, ready to tug my wiener, but just as my pointer hovers above the first video clip, the Big Guy’s voice blasts through my head:
“IF YOU FUCK ME ON THIS, I WILL FUCK YOU BACK SO GODDAMN HARD YOU’LL TASTE MY DIVINE MEMBER IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT.”
Eek! I close the browser and open MS Word.
“THAT’S MORE LIKE IT. NOW GET TO WORK. IDIOT.”
Sigh. Oh well—this is a damn sight better than Asmagoth.
(Maybe I can jerk it while I’m writing. I do have two hands, after all.)
Have you masturbated your life away, and are now in danger of spending the remainder of it down in the ninth ring of Fucked? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜