Echo 1 gets four stars on Amazon!!!

Big thanks goes out to K.J. Phoenix, who threw Echo 1 four stars on Amazon!  Thank You So Much K.J!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Get yer copy of Echo and download you some Strained Brains! (And leave a positive review for them as well!) :)

What the old boxing glove is going on, my fellow folks who’ve decided to dip their toe in a little pugilistic punch n’ parry, then caught a whiff of some stank-ass mitt that’s become a concentrated breeding factory for Evil after housing a schweaty fist that’s spent a giant percentage of its existence in noses, butts, and on wiener skins?  This is just an afternoon reminder to grab yerselves a copy of Echo and download you some episodes of the Strained Brains podcast!  (And to leave a positive review for them as well!  🙂 )  Don’t worry, my hygienically-minded friends:  neither Echo nor my podcast are about that horrid stench that arises from old sparring equipment!  No way, dude-faces!  Echo’s all about cyborg shooter guys, robo-beast monsters, and beautiful-ass future wizards!  Also, if you’ve read any of my books, please remember to leave a positive review for them on Amazon.  Amazon reviews only takes a minute of your time, and you don’t need to have made a “verified purchase” in order to make them; you only need an Amazon account (in case you read my stuff through Kindle Unlimited or other means).  To give you an idea of how orgasmically amazing positive Amazon reviews are to us indie authors, imagine this:  the goddamn enforcers from Adulting Academy have finally caught up with you after a high speed chase in which two of their cars have flipped the fuck over and you defeated twenty of their thralls in a spectacular display of hand-to-hand combat.  You’ve been put in restraints and bent over a table.  Their Chief Justicer is about to spank your bare ass with his bare hand, when suddenly, you feel something hairy bounce from your bum, off the back of your knee, and come to rest near your ankle.  You kick it up into the Chief Justicer’s face and he instantly dies from the sheer grossness of what just hit his face.  The crowd erupts with panic.

Someone yells:  “IT’S A DANGLY DINGLEBERRY!  RUNNNNNNN!!!!”

Mass pandemonium breaks out across the Justicer’s Square, and in the ensuing chaos, you manage to find the keys to your restraints on the now-deceased Justicer’s belt, and free yourself from Adulting Academy’s foul, filthy clutches.  YES!  See, that rush of shameful pride you’d feel at not having maintained an impeccable asshole which eventually led to your daring escape is EXACTLY what we indie authors/podcasters feel when we get a positive review on Amazon or iTunes!  So do your favorite indie author/podcaster (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne a bidet-clean favor and leave him a positive review on the ’Zons or the ’Tunes!  Thank You All and have a Good and Chill Night!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

“May I…MOUNT you, Man Whore?”

OhGodohChristhowtheDarkKnightdoIgetoutofTHIS….

“Yes, Mistress Martha,” I whisper.

She climbs onto my hips.  As she yowls and screeches atop my member, tears leak down both my cheeks.  I didn’t know that being a Man Whore would lead to this—it feels like demons are shitting on my fucking SOUL…

I’ve closed my eyes without consciously intending to.  “LOOK AT ME!” she demands in a bass-infused, double-toned voice.  “LOOK AT ME!!!!”  She slaps me hard across the cheek.

I make a sound like a chihuahua being ravaged by a roided-up pitbull.  My eyes open wide and I stare blankly at the ceiling, my mind in full denial of the horror I’m being subjected to.

“Now…” she grunts.  “I want you to climax, Man Whore!  And say something SEXY!”

Due to the trauma of making love to Martha, my discombobulated mind hearkens back to the days when I toyed with the dream of one day becoming a world-famous gangsta rapper.  I make pistols with both my hands and jerk them in time to a pair of imaginary shots.

“P’DAH!  P’DAH!  FO’-ONE-FIVE REPRESENT!!!”  Then I realize what I’ve done.  My face twists in fear and I scream, “AHGODPLEASEDON’TKILLME!!!”

“WHAT???”  Her eyes widen in rage and fury.  “HOW DARE YOU!  YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR SCROTUM, KENT WAYNE!”  She rolls off me, grabs me by the neck, and slams me against the wall with her left hand, lifting me a few inches off the ground with her insider-trading-hardened body.  Her right hand delivers a series of body shots, pummeling my organs with punishing strikes that she learned in prison.  Blood flies from my lips with each blow.

“No…please…” I gurgle.

She swivels her hips, turns her back to me, and slams me onto the deck with an ippon seio nage—a classic Judo shoulder throw.

Pain wracks my body.  I cough up a load of pink sputum.  Then I see something nearby which might give me an out.

My eReader.  I reach over and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Martha freezes and crazy-ass Steven Seagal appears by my side, dressed in nothing but a skimpy speedo with a dragon-ringed yin/yang over his tiny bulge.  He peels off the speedo and I flinch away; I have no desire to see a washed-up action star’s wiener.  But I have nothing to worry about—his distended gut flops over his genitals before I can glimpse them.

“Here,” he rasps in his cool-guy voice, holding out the pinched-off speedo.  It looks like a loaded diaper.  I take it from him, hold it at arm’s length, and examine it with a measure of fear and suspicion.

“Uh…why is it so heavy?  What did you fill it with?”

“Man gunk,” he rasps.  “Throw it into Martha’s face.”

He spins in place like a ballerina—one leg cocked, fingers touching the crown of his head, the other leg straightened up onto its toe—shouts, “HADOUKEN!” and disappears.

Time snaps back to normal.  I sling the speedo into Martha’s mug.

“AHHHH!!!” she screams, clutching the air like she was just doused in acid.  “MAN GUNK!”  Then she flees out of the room, howling and wailing.

I drop to my knees, crying into my cupped hands.  After a few minutes, a teary smile arises on my face.

P’DAH!  P’DAH!  FO’-ONE-FIVE REPRESENT!!!

HEH heh heh!  😀

 

Have you been ravaged and humiliated by a low down, no good, insider-trading Food Network icon?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Thank You Recent Echo Purchasers!!!

Rectums from Reticuli!  I wake up and see that some amaze-faced Amaze-os have bought Echo on Kindle!  Whoever you folks are…Thank You So Much!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Get yer copy of Echo and download you some Strained Brains! (And leave a positive review for them as well!) :)

What the finger sniff is happening, all you—EVERY SINGLE ONE, DON’T LIE—who have scratched an odious orifice, maintained a perfectly straight face (as if being nonchalant will help you conceal your impending perfidy), and taken a whiff of the repugnant film that coats your phalanges?  This is just an afternoon reminder to grab yerselves a copy of Echo and download you some episodes of the Strained Brains podcast!  (And to leave a positive review for them as well!  🙂 )  Be at ease:  neither Echo nor my podcast are about the filthy, primal pleasure we experience while we root around in our gunge-holes and inhale a bit of their evil fruits; no way Bro-silius!  Echo’s all about cyborg pew pew pew—PEWPEWPKEEWWWW, hairy-faced rowr-beasts, and beautiful future wizards!  Also, if you’ve read any of my books, please remember to leave a positive review for them on Amazon.  Amazon reviews only takes a minute of your time, and you don’t need to have made a “verified purchase” in order to make them; you only need an Amazon account (in case you read my stuff through Kindle Unlimited or other means).  To give you an idea of how clean-fingered amaze-holed positive Amazon reviews are to us indie authors, imagine this:  your crazy-ass ex has just ripped their face off, revealing themselves to be the bloodsucking Insectoid you always knew them to be.  (S)he spear-tackles you, bringing you to the ground, then inserts a proboscis into your anus, two into your ears, and one into your bank account via eTendril—an electrokinetic tentacle that allows Nether Creatures to physically connect to an electronic device and drain away the entirety of your finances (only available to crazy-ass exes.  Some rules and restrictions may apply).  Just as your ex sucks up your brains, your organs, and your hard-earned duckets, a virtual reality helmet lifts off your head.

“What the…what just…” you blink dazedly and look around.  You’re surrounded by grinning, lab coat-wearing scientists.

“Did you enjoy that life?” one of them asks.  “We call it The Fucked and Forgotten.”

“Hell NO!” you reply.  “Give me a good one this time!”

The scientist gestures to his colleague.  “Plug him into the Enchanted Booty Forest.”

OH yeah!  As the virtual reality helmet lowers back onto your face, shivers of joy tickle your perineum.  YES!  See, that rush of ecstasy you’d feel at having to leave the “Fucked and Forgotten” life behind and plunge into your new existence amongst the Enchanted Booties is EXACTLY what we indie author/podcasters feel when we get a positive review on Amazon or iTunes!  So do your favorite indie author/podcaster (and perennial Man Child) a karmically blessed favor and leave him a positive review on the ’Tunes and the ’Zons!  Thank You All and have a Good and Chill Night!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Once upon a time, a princess named Erany Lindelthi lived in the forest.  She capered amongst the spirits and beasts, and never lacked for anything, for she had been gifted by the Elder Gods with sylvan magics.  If she wished for flowers, eye-catching blooms would sprout from the earth.  If she wished for clothes, cotton plants would burst from the ground, and weave her a vast array of feather-soft garments.  If she desired food, she would command the trees to grow her fruit, and in short order, their branches would groan and creak from the weight of their bounty.

Erany spent most of her days singing “Tra-la-la!  Tra-la-la!” as she dipped and twirled through her enchanted forest.  When she wished for a mount she would summon a groundling boar—a cantankerous animal which the people of to-day cannot rightly conceive of.  It was ten feet long, twenty feet high, and five feet across.  A two-tiered depression grew naturally on its back, allowing three menn to sit astride it as if they were sitting inside the confines of a luxuriant stage coach—feet together, back leaning against a shelf of fur-coated hide—rather than a saddled steed.

On her forty-eighth birthday Erany summoned her favorite boar, a dignified brute named Orgoth McSmorgoth.  Orgoth clopped through the forest with Erany on his back, affording his mistress a view of the lands, so that the princess might see that all was well.  And all WAS well.

Yet Erany was not of a mind to appreciate it.

She sighed loudly and leaned her cheek against her fist.  It compressed the flesh upon her face, making her expression sour and bitter.

“I crave carnal pleasure, Orgoth.  Cucumbers and eggplants do not suffice.  Not anymore.”

“There are many princes in the Douche Land Reaches, milady.  If you were to—”

“THOSE dundernonces?” Erany cried, outraged.  “Speak not of such poorly endowed imbeciles!”  Her eyes glinted with the ardor of a soccer mom.  “I need a dangly-balled scrotum that will rhythmically slap against my clit-oris, should my lover decide to take me from behind.  I require a mighty circumference, so that the nerve-endings in my vajeen shall be stimulated in a—”

Orgoth cleared his throat.  Even though he was a coarse forest beast, he still was vulnerable to TMI, and accordingly, attempted to change subjects.  “Ah, perhaps milady would care to discuss the latest goings-on amongst the—”

“Quiet!” Erany snapped.  Her eyes unfocused as she contemplated the sun-glazed sky.  “I need an upcurve,” she murmured.  “Yes…not just an impressively built member, but an appropriate shape to guide its bulk…”

Suddenly, Orgoth stopped and snuffled at a squar-ish object in the middle of their route.  Erany clambered down from his flank and picked it up.

“What manner of trinket is this?”  Her brow wrinkled.  “It possesses a hinged cover that can swing upon the line of its longest axis…”

And then she opened the eReader which was loaded to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

 

“Huzzah!”  I somersault down from a tree, backflipping thrice before I land lightly on my feet.

Erany lays a hand on her chest, affecting astonishment.  “And who are you?”

I bow at the waist, straightening my right leg and planting its heel in the dirt, just like an old-timey courtier.  “Kent Wayne, professional Man Whore.  I possess every quality you have just mentioned.  In my spare time, I enjoy immersing myself in fantastical stories involving gigantic robots, caped heroes, as well as—”

Erany cuts me off with an irritable flap of her hand.  “I have no interest in your puerile foolishness, ye fat-headed Nerd!  Shut your mouth and doff your clothes!”

A mile-wide grin splits my face.  “Yes milady!”

And after many a boff-session, Kent Wayne got a little too enthusiastic with a chain of beads during a session of butt-play (for all you anal adventurers out there:  do not invite the greatest of perils by pulling them out like you were starting a lawnmower) and Erany immediately tried to kill him.  He managed to escape her rage with panic-widened eyes, voicing protests ranging from “IT WAS A DEFECTIVE SET OF BEADS!”  to “AHGODPLEASE!” while running buck naked through her kingdom.  Eventually, he traversed its borders and disappeared into Martha Stewart’s cave…

…where he encountered a whole new set of perils and adventures.  But that’s a story for another day.  😉

 

Have you accidentally pulled too fast on the end of your fairy-tale lover’s butt-engorged bead-string, and now fear for your very life?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo 1 gets five stars on Amazon!

What in the wax-whirled whatowski!  David A Kemp throws Echo 1 five stars on Amazon!  Thank You So Much David!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Get yer copy of Echo and download you some Strained Brains! (And leave a positive review for them as well!) :)

What the surreptitious stain is going on, all you folks who’ve kept others guessing about a dark spot centered directly above your crotch (was it an errant splash of water?  Or hath the potential perpetrator excreted something far more nefarious?  The game is afoot!)  This is just an afternoon reminder to grab yerselves a copy of Echo and download you some episodes of the Strained Brains podcast!  (And to leave a positive review for them as well!  🙂 )  And hey, in case you live in fear of finding out what that crotch stain really is:  neither Echo nor my podcast are about the dawning horror we feel when confronted by the reality of someone being careless with their PC muscle; nah man—Echo’s all about cyborg shooter guys, robo-beast monsters, and dope-ass psychic weaponry like the “blaze avatar!”  Also, if you’ve read any of my books, please remember to leave a positive review for them on Amazon.  Amazon reviews only takes a minute of your time, and you don’t need to have made a “verified purchase” in order to make them; you only need an Amazon account (in case you read my stuff through Kindle Unlimited or other means).  To give you an idea of how clean-crotch amazing positive Amazon reviews are to us indie authors, imagine this:  you’re in a spicy sausage contest, downing link after link of stomach-tearing, ass-burning meat-sticks.  Suddenly the contestant beside you, Markham McGurbles, clutches his belly and stops eating.

“I can’t….I can’t…”

Like the brave mofo you are, you hoist Mark onto your back and start hoofing it toward a porta-potty.  He starts crying and writhing, screaming at you to leave him behind like he was an unfortunate extra in that classic movie “Platoon.”  Your legs fail you and you collapse to the ground.  The porta-potty still over a dozen yards away.  You belly crawl out from under his spasming body, and flinch back in unabashed horror; a turtle-head is rhythmically bulging against the seat of his pants, thumping in time with his runaway heartbeat.  But wait!  A random eggplant comes arcing through the air, reflecting the light of the sun off its purple-skinned flesh!  You catch it in your hand, the world goes slo-mo, and—

“RUAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

—you let loose with an eighties style action-movie scream as you dive toward Mark, stabbing downward with the giant fruit.  It busts through the seams of Mark’s trousers, and fills his bunghole with its girthy mass.  You sling Mark’s arm over your shoulder, and you both stagger toward the porta-potty, where you shove him in and shut the door.  Mark screams in a mix of pain and ecstasy, mirroring the cry you just voiced a moment prior:  “RUAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”  The porta-potty rocks and shakes, then you hear Mark sobbing in relief.  You slump against the blue plastic wall, wiping tears from your eyes with a shuddering hand.  YES!  See, that rush of life and affirmation you’d feel at just having helped your sausage-stuffed compadre into an appropriate poop receptacle is EXACTLY what we indie authors/podcasters feel when we get a positive review on Amazon or iTunes!  So do your favorite indie author/podcaster (and perennial Man Child) Kent Wayne, a hot-link-replete favor and leave him a positive review on the ’Zons or the ’Tunes!  Thank You All and have a Good and Chill Night!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Splish splash!

I arc up from the water, chittering like the happy-go-lucky dolphin I am.  Hello, sun!  Hello, algae!  Hello, friendly surfer-humans!

That’s how we majestic ocean-dwellers think and behave, right?

Right?

WRONG.

Not only do me and my mad-tight homeboys throw around outdated 90s slang with unabashed fury, we also eat each others kids, get high off puffer fish secretions, and engage in nonconsensual boffery all day EVERY day, son!  Ain’t no orifice safe from our fibroelastic pieces; they’re equipped with a shitload of collagen, making them WAY more intimidating and bonier than your soft-ass human wieners…EVEN when we’re flaccid!  If we had a rap soundtrack, half of it would be comprised of someone continually racking the action on a big-ass shotgun, and the other half would be DMX raging at the world after someone shot both his testicles full of injectable cocaine.

Fuck thug life.  Try DOLPHIN life.

As I cruise through the not-so-friendly waters of the Bay Area, I exchange slow, menacing nods with other pods of gangsta-ass cetaceans.  As long as no one tries anything stupid, we’re good.  Occasionally, we get in a scrap over turf, but that’s to be expected; the ocean is a dark, angry world where your butt can get filled with a giant whale-cock if you happen to let your guard down for even an INSTANT.

Suddenly, a cruise ship trundles by, and something tips over the railing.  Two bodies splash into the water, inciting hordes of boner-wielding dolphins to arrow toward them.  In another second, this is gonna be a repeat performance of Hole-pocalypse 2013:  Leave No Hole Untouched.

But as I draw closer I recognize one of them as my spirit animal:  the moronic Man Whore known as Kent Wayne.  He and his soul-mate, Soccer Mom Prime, have eaten too much weed and are snorting and laughing as they splash around in the waves, unaware that both their bodies are about to turn from 60% water into 60% dolphin semen.

IDIOTS!

So I race ahead of the pack, reach my snout into Kent Wayne’s pocket, and open his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Kent Wayne’s prehensile wiener rockets up the side of the cruise ship.  It wraps tightly around the railing, and both Kent and his mate grab hold of it as it slingshots them both back up onto the deck.

Thwarted dolphins grumble and mutter as they converge on the spot where Kent was swimming a moment prior.  But after they voice their complaints, an unmistakable sentiment runs through their ranks.

Respect.

Because his wiener was freakin’ HUGE!

 

Is your butthole’s integrity being put at imminent risk by a pack of rapacious cetaceans?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo Vol. 1 gets five stars on Goodreads!!!

Big Thanks goes out to Mr. Wei, who has thrown Echo 1 five stars on Goodreads!  Thanks bunches!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com!  Go check out his computer-based wizardry  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜