“May I…MOUNT you, Man Whore?”
“Yes, Mistress Martha,” I whisper.
She climbs onto my hips. As she yowls and screeches atop my member, tears leak down both my cheeks. I didn’t know that being a Man Whore would lead to this—it feels like demons are shitting on my fucking SOUL…
I’ve closed my eyes without consciously intending to. “LOOK AT ME!” she demands in a bass-infused, double-toned voice. “LOOK AT ME!!!!” She slaps me hard across the cheek.
I make a sound like a chihuahua being ravaged by a roided-up pitbull. My eyes open wide and I stare blankly at the ceiling, my mind in full denial of the horror I’m being subjected to.
“Now…” she grunts. “I want you to climax, Man Whore! And say something SEXY!”
Due to the trauma of making love to Martha, my discombobulated mind hearkens back to the days when I toyed with the dream of one day becoming a world-famous gangsta rapper. I make pistols with both my hands and jerk them in time to a pair of imaginary shots.
“P’DAH! P’DAH! FO’-ONE-FIVE REPRESENT!!!” Then I realize what I’ve done. My face twists in fear and I scream, “AHGODPLEASEDON’TKILLME!!!”
“WHAT???” Her eyes widen in rage and fury. “HOW DARE YOU! YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR SCROTUM, KENT WAYNE!” She rolls off me, grabs me by the neck, and slams me against the wall with her left hand, lifting me a few inches off the ground with her insider-trading-hardened body. Her right hand delivers a series of body shots, pummeling my organs with punishing strikes that she learned in prison. Blood flies from my lips with each blow.
“No…please…” I gurgle.
She swivels her hips, turns her back to me, and slams me onto the deck with an ippon seio nage—a classic Judo shoulder throw.
Pain wracks my body. I cough up a load of pink sputum. Then I see something nearby which might give me an out.
My eReader. I reach over and open it to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Martha freezes and crazy-ass Steven Seagal appears by my side, dressed in nothing but a skimpy speedo with a dragon-ringed yin/yang over his tiny bulge. He peels off the speedo and I flinch away; I have no desire to see a washed-up action star’s wiener. But I have nothing to worry about—his distended gut flops over his genitals before I can glimpse them.
“Here,” he rasps in his cool-guy voice, holding out the pinched-off speedo. It looks like a loaded diaper. I take it from him, hold it at arm’s length, and examine it with a measure of fear and suspicion.
“Uh…why is it so heavy? What did you fill it with?”
“Man gunk,” he rasps. “Throw it into Martha’s face.”
He spins in place like a ballerina—one leg cocked, fingers touching the crown of his head, the other leg straightened up onto its toe—shouts, “HADOUKEN!” and disappears.
Time snaps back to normal. I sling the speedo into Martha’s mug.
“AHHHH!!!” she screams, clutching the air like she was just doused in acid. “MAN GUNK!” Then she flees out of the room, howling and wailing.
I drop to my knees, crying into my cupped hands. After a few minutes, a teary smile arises on my face.
P’DAH! P’DAH! FO’-ONE-FIVE REPRESENT!!!
HEH heh heh! 😀
Have you been ravaged and humiliated by a low down, no good, insider-trading Food Network icon? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜