I believe love for oneself means being willing to push others away. Not cut them off necessarily, but clearly communicating what isn’t acceptable. Ironically, more often than not, it’s done wonders for a given relationship. But if I try to keep a relationship through clingy appeasement, it typically fades due to increasingly begrudging erosion of tolerance, or the inevitable eruption where I’ve reached my limit. I’d rather just be upfront, lay down the boundary, and go about my day.
Musings
Comments
28 responses to “Musings”
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Good approach.
I wouldn’t like to say there are more combinations of human relationships than there are objects orbiting around our Sun, it just seems like it.
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Too true!
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An apt observation.
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Expectation management, my friend. The good news is that you are always in charge of you. Your reactions to the situation. Your reaction to “the other”.
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Wise words. I need to learn from you. I have let a particular family relationship get worse and worse, and now I don’t want any more of it. I should have put down stronger boundaries sooner, though she has never respected boundaries. Oh well, I live and learn, and will endeavour to be far clearer with folk in future. Don’t give resentment time to grow.
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You’ve learned valuable lessons! I know things will be smoother for you!
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Interestingly enough, I’ve been working through a similar issue, though I hadn’t thought about it as “loving myself” before. You’ve given me something to think about here.
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A few steps downstream might be honoring and respecting myself, but I do believe it also translates to love.
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I have to agree with you there, Kent.
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Clingy appeasement is my new band name! No, just kidding. But I think you just described the setting of healthy boundaries very well.
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It does sound band-like! 😂
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For me, boundaries are different every day depending on how I feel. I just have to be aware when I’m feeling crowded and then get in my car and go for half an hour drive. Amazing how I feel afterwards.
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When we feel we are exhibiting “clingy appeasement” in a relationship, it means (I suggest) that we have realised we are ‘paying’ for behaviour that we thought would be offered freely. And we often ‘pay’ by allowing ourselves to be ‘used’. It is always best, in that situation, to he honest about one’s boundaries, but I’d advise opening the discussion by talking about that feeling of ‘appeasement’. Maybe the other party didn’t see their behaviour as unfair, or maybe they’ve got some insecurity of their own that they need help to confront. If we just defend ourselves, we may cause hurt where none was needed. But yes, sometimes a needy ‘user’ requires strong boundaries to help them master that habit.
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Good points! For better or worse, I’ve found it’s better to bungle the delivery than not lay down any boundary. But that’s just me, others may differ.
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I appreciate the thoughtfulness and conciseness of this post. I think in latter years I’ve leaned toward the notion that I’m in actuality, protecting myself from (potentially) unintentional harm.
I’m inclined to believe that some of our unhealthy habits entail excessive (attempts at) people pleasing and a deficient amount of self care and wellness. I’d love to say that I have mastered healthier choices, but I am still growing. #aworkinprogress
Thanks for sharing!
~Dr. Brown
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Indeed! In the hierarchy of existential worth, where we have an equal right to exist, excessive people pleasing can make us lesser, which is existentially false.
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Understood – and heard! Thank you so much for your feedback :o)
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Setting clear boundaries are essential and if they continue to break those with negative attitudes then it’s wise to let go.
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Had a situation where I didn’t set good boundaries in the beginning. It got nasty later. Was quite a bit younger than I am now. Would handle it differently (I hope) these days. Had to back out of the relationship and it was not easy to do.
I’ve also never really thought about it as self love. But I do believe you are right and it is exactly that.
Great Musings!
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I suppose it could be respecting or honoring the self as well. Thanks!
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I’ve just had to painfully work through this myself. Reading your take on it is a help.
Gwen.
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I appreciate your thoughtful wisdom. Indeed, we need to love ourselves before reaching out to others’ love in our orbit.
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reading this makes me calm as if you just said what I wanted to say out loud; loved your writings!
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Wise words. It’s better to be upfront about things. But I’m not very good at that. I must learn.
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This works for me, too.
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yep!
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[…] Musings […]
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Thanks for sharing!
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