Musings

Musings

DirtySciFiBuddha32 Comments

I haven’t had a lot of success with rationalizing or forcing away my negativity. Obviously, it’s not smart to outwardly express it or act it out (in a lot of situations, anyway), so for the longest time, I defaulted to bludgeoning myself with reasons as to why my negativity was invalid or irrational. Predictably, that was exhausting.

Nowadays, I’ve found it easier to acknowledge my negativity’s right to exist, and simply focus on allowing it to be (acknowledge it and feel it regardless of how inappropriate or irrational it is, even though I don’t outwardly express it). I don’t have to endorse it, like it, or regard it with grudging tolerance (sullenly view it in a begrudging light), but I find that it seems to act like a mirror of myself, which, even though it initiates the hold, is an entity I can choose to grapple with in a lose-lose dynamic; it meets my force with an exhaustingly close match in strength and stubbornness. However, once I relax my grip and accept my negativity, once I allow myself to feel it and let it be (kind of like how my supposed higher self is accepting of both negative and positive), I find that my negativity imitates my approach and loosens its hold. If it were separate from me, a different person so to speak, then we’ve disagreed politely and gone our separate ways, instead of indulging in a scarcity mentality where only one of us has the right to exist.

32 thoughts on “Musings”

  1. I think we have been hardwired to believe that negative is bad and must be removed, when it’s actually just… negative. If that makes sense.

    I found that I had more peace when I came to terms with that.

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    • Negativity’s right to exist? Silly trope. Here in The Antipodes, Down Under, far from you, today’s a pretty day and I stepped out though still shakey to face the world after recent tragedy that still is raw. The breeze was fresh coming off the sea and as I ate a salmon and creamcheese filled bagel with decent coffee, and full view of the passage separating me from the mainland, I marvelled at the pelican that flew close like a great seaplane, wheeled and soared away. May your ill-mood take flight too.

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  2. It’s been a struggle in my life to explain to others being upset does not mean something is bad.

    If I feel sad my article submission got rejeced, that doesn’t mean I think I’m a terrible writer and I’m going to give up. I greatly value criticism and I respect the outlet’s decision to reject me. It’s still natural to feel a little bummed.

    If I feel stressed out by work, that doesn’t mean it’s toxic. Sometimes I have a lot of extra tasks come in. These have a purpose. They are stressful, sure, but they should be… Because I should be taking this seriously.

    If I feel annoyed with someone, that doesn’t mean they’re abusive or a bad person. Some personalities don’t get along. The biggest challenge is feeling like I have to be a fake friend, because I can’t be “judgemental.”

    I think others in my life have struggled with sadness/self-doubt a lot, so they have a knee-jerk reaction to seeing me say something and worry I might be going down the same spiral. But, having the bad mood doesn’t make it permanant. It comes from a good place, but ultimately, thinking any time I’m upset equals disaster makes me feel like I can’t say I’m upset without someone telling me to quit, or thinking I’m broken.

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    • I’ve encountered a bit of misunderstanding on this subject myself! I used to get frustrated by it, then I decided I’d only expound on it if asked, or if it felt like a natural fit for the conversation. If someone wants to argue about it, I’ll just shrug and tell em that’s what works for me.

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  5. Whilst death metal isn’t to everyone’s tastes, I think Whitechapel expressed this idea very well in their latest album. ‘Kin’.

    It is in essence a concept album where Phil (the vocalist) is coming to terms with this darker, more negative version of him brought on by grief. The penultimate track on the album ‘Without Us’ (the video is well worth a watch) has this:

    Where will we be in the years to come?
    I know somewhere inside you is me
    Crying out for help, but I’m right here with you
    Begging you to see the hell we’ve created
    I know it’s hard to accept the truth
    But it’s time to let this all go
    Let this all go

    Whitechapel – Without Us

    Our negative voice needs to exist, as it is where we hold our usually healthy scepticism, but ultimately we have to learn to see both sides, to see opportunity where we would normally see crisis.

    I really appreciate you sharing these musings. It is something many of us wrestle with, but often feel alone in doing so.

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  6. I had a conflict recently with the Squirrel Police. A Bluejay nesting pair were building a nest in a live oak tree just a few feet from my porch. One day, to my delight I heard chirping from a youngin’ in the nest, but a few hours later, a squirrel that I had been feeding yummy nuts from Joes decided my offerings weren’t enough and proceeded to raid the Bluejay nest. To my horror, that youngin’ became its lunch. Mamma and Pappa Bluejay protested loudly – and so did I, but it just kept chowing down.

    This thing put me in a funk for a week. Then yesterday the nesting pair came back to the tree by Divine Appointment. They were mourning their loss and chatting with me about the incident. “I’m so sorry” I said. “It’s not my fault, though.”

    They said: “Well, it kinda is though. Your beingness is in too many realms to expect everything to be 100% good in all of them at the same time. You will always have these kinds of problems with the Squirrel Police. Be wary of them.”

    After about 4 minutes they flew East without saying goodbye. But I knew they would never return to that tree. The absence of the “goodbye” was a positive sign to me. I’ll see them again, but not here.

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      • Yes, they came in so swiftly – the female waiting outside the Courtyard, the male left his message so quickly that it felt like they were both taking a big risk to deliver it. Then they flew East again so quickly, I saw them as just a blur.

        Anyways, I’ve unpacked a bit of their message. A .zip file inside a .tar or a .gz archive. It had something to do with a Mickey Mouse credit card attached to some golfer guy in FL. Waiting for the rest of the message to unpack. Not looking forward to what’s in that, I must confess.

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  9. Your musing, and then the comment thread is a lil slice of WP zen heaven. I read an interesting thread on anger today that indicated many of us are angry and do not own it or even realize it. For my own meditation, I will add negative to the mix as well.

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    • It’s a potentially useful piece of us, yes. If we dishonor it, disrespect it, or deny its right to exist, I feel like that’s kind of like one hand trying to beat the other into submission, rather than tapping its potential to be a helpful asset.

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  13. A Gardner grows Roses from manure & so seeds of sorrow can be transformed into seeds of joy. You are right be kind let it be don’t add screeds of thought and feelings on top and make a fortress for yourself. Let go. Hitler sadly could not see that his hatred for the world was a reflection of his inner antagonism he projected thus on to others to blame. If we think thorns we will see thorns. Smile breath deep and say it’s just the way it is. ❤️

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  14. Negativity certainly does seem like it needs to be met, not suppressed nor over-indulged. Doing that is extremely difficult, of course, when you’re already down on yourself and then the world decides to give you a little kick once in a while, just for fun.

    I suppose one of many reasons airing out our negativity is scary or uncomfortable to others is that a lot of our concerns and fears are shared. More so if, say, you’re one writer venting around other writers. We may see in others’ struggles our own potential to fail (whatever we think failing means, exactly).

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  15. Acceptance of my own negativity is what I learnt over many years. Sometimes, compassion by a very few and sometimes self-compassion helped. Your thoughts are profound. Seems like you have a good understanding of this side of yourself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I need to read more of your blogs.
    -Alma

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