Superman insistently pats my cheek.  “Wake up, buddy—hey!  Nice underwear!  Little tight, though…I can see the veins on your root and your shaft.  Man, this is cool, I can measure your heartrate by tracking the in-and-out bulge!  What’re you, like 50 beats per minute?  You’re pretty shredded—definitely got an athlete’s BPM.”

“Huh?  Whazzuh?”  I blink and squint, forcing my surroundings into hazy focus.  We’re in a dingy warehouse, lit by a couple of harsh naked bulbs.  My hands are tied behind my back, securing me to a rusted, floor-to-ceiling pole.  “What the—” My eyes widen in fury.  “LET ME GO!”

He throws his head back and laughs.  “You think you can fuck my mom, then doo-bee-doo-bee-doo your way through your he-slut existence?”

“I’m a professional Man Whore!  I didn’t know who she was, she came to ME!”  I strain against my zipties.  No luck.

“We’re gonna have fun, you and me.”  His eyes glow red.  “Gonna heat-vision your frenulum, for starters.  Gotta hold back, though…Bruce wants a piece of you too.  Ever since you threesomed with Selina and Wonder Woman—”

“They paid me!” I sputter.  “None of you capes are packing any goddamn meat!  Jesus Christ, when you’re in skintight undies and your crotch is damn near Ken doll-smooth—”

He holds up a hand.  “Enough.  You’re cutting into our torture time.  Need to get some juicy screams outta you before I call up Bruce and let him get his.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I wiggle like a madman, bringing my pocket close enough to my hand to where I can snatch my eReader out of my pocket, then open its display to a Kent Wayne novel and activate its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Lois steps out of an interdimensional portal and puts her hands on her hips.  “Let the Man Whore go.”

Superman responds with a smirk and a chuckle.  “What are you gonna do, Lois?  You know you don’t have a chance in…”  The color drains from his face.  “What the…”  He drops to his knees and clutches his chest.  His cheeks quiver, sweat beads on his temples.  “Kryptonite.”

She lifts up her skirt, revealing a giant emerald penis.  “Made it into a strap-on.”

“Lois,” he manages.  “Don’t…”

“Small-penised psycho.  You think you can torture my favorite fucking Man Whore?  Get ready to reap the green-cocked whirlwind.”  She starts walking toward him.  “First thing I want is a big hawk tuah.  Put your heart into it, or God knows where I’ll put this throbbing jade wiener.”  She throws me a wink and mimes a Call Me with her thumb and pinkie. 

As I get up and flee the nasty-ass warehouse, I can’t help grinning like the cat that got the cream.  That’s what you get for trying to heat-vision my frenulum!

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a godlike metahuman targeted you for their sick-fuck brand of superpowered torture?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon their Kryptonite-dildoed lady-friend, and kick off your revenge with the classic hawk tuah!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“I speak…”  The Lorax clicks a magazine into his rifle, sends the bolt home, and settles into a prone firing position.  “…for the motherfucking trees.”

“What the fuck!”  I flinch back in shock.  “Come on, man—you said we were going for a walk in the woods!”

“Goddamn Floridian militia-larper hillbillies,” he mutters, peering into the optic.  “Threatening me with nonconsensual relations involving my face and my butt…think I’m gonna let you just—”

Off in the distance, a hillbilly shouts, “There he is!  Let’s have nonconsensual relations with his face and his butt!” 

A moment later, the grove erupts with automatic fire.  The Lorax empties his mag in a matter of seconds.  “AAAAHHHHHH!!!”  His mustached face contorts with rage. 

I drop to the deck and cover my ears, screaming we need to get the fuck out of here, there’s too damn many of them.  The Lorax slaps a fresh mag into the well, slams the bolt home, and shouts, “Good call!  Back to the ATV!”  I glimpse his spherical body sprinting for the vehicle and scramble up after him. 

Relief floods through me—he’s come to his senses and decided to flee—but it turns to horror as he slaps a button on the dash, transforming the vehicle into a pop-up .50 cal.  He jumps in the turret, clack-clacks the charging handle, then double-fists the grips and lets ’er rip. 

“RUAAAAAHHHHH!  I’LL KILL YOU ALL, YOU SISTER-FUCKING HEATHENS!!!  EAT THE FUR OFF MY SEUSS-DEPICTED SHIT!”  Leaves vanish in stop-motion tics, eaten by a storm of unrelenting metal.

POOM, POOM, POOM.  Cold terror seizes my gut:  the hillbillies are using portable grenade launchers.  I squirt up from the ground, intending to pull the Lorax down behind cover, but the world explodes into dust and sparks and air-warping pressure—

“SHIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!”

—and sends us flying in a 1980s-style, action-movie flame jump. 

I cough and blink away smoke-infused tears.  The Lorax landed on his back—he’s brass-checking the chamber on his rifle.  “Don’t worry.”  He throws me a nod.  “I’ve daisy-chained the grenades on my vest.  There’s no way they’re gonna take us alive.”

“What the FUCK?!?” I sputter.  “I didn’t sign up for this!”

“Wanna take your chances with nonconsensual relations?” he barks.  He one-hands his rifle, pulls the pin on a grenade, and holds the spoon in place with his non-firing hand, effectively creating a dead man’s switch. “Those twisted bastards’ll fuck a goat on a rope!” 

Catchy as that sounds, I have no idea what it means (aside from the purely literal definition).  Regardless, I’d rather not surrender to either fate, whether that’s dying by ka-boom, or getting my holes flooded with 2^nd amendment-tattooed, deep-fried sperm.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

UFOs swoop in low, dropping their ramps and ejecting a horde of naked Bigfoots; they’re packing three foot dicks that have nasty-looking quills on their shafts and glans.  The hillbillies erupt into panicked gibbers as Sasquatches run through their ranks, booga-booga-booga-ing with their scary-ass penises bobbing and twitching like crude spikey clubs from a nasty post-apocalypse movie.  In less than a minute, they drive off the hillbillies, hop back in their saucers, and zip off to God knows where.

“You ruined my fun,” the Lorax grumbles as he reinserts the pin.  “Asshole.”

I don’t know what to say.  All I can muster is a disbelieving look.

Fucking psycho.

Have you been suckered into a “nature walk” with a storybook creature that neglected to tell you about his war-boner death-wish?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a horde of spike-penised Squatches, and scare away your murderous foes!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing