Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Everyone says there’s a male g-spot, but I call bullshit.  I’ve spent the last twenty minutes rooting through my butthole and nothing’s happening.  Was this just a ploy to make me finger myself?  Damn you internet!

Sigh.  Guess it’s a lost cause.  I’m about to pull out when the ground starts shaking.  Oh shit—a random earthquake!  Just stay calm and—

My spasming finger presses my butthole chakra, activating the full potential of my auric body.  Uh-oh—my consciousness just separated from my physical form.  Here we go—I’m about to shoot into the astral reaches!

Oh daaaaAAAAANGG—

YIBBER-YOB-MCGOO!

…….

…………….

Huh?  Where am I?  Seems I’ve been launched into a cloudscape littered with lackluster concepts…

“Welcome to the Adultinate,” a voice says from behind me.  “Where the evils of adulthood come together and form a boring-ass realm.”

I turn around.  A bespectacled, dad-bodded, balding nerd walks toward me.

“Who are you?” I ask, casting a nervous glance to my left and right.

A sinister laugh.  “You should know, Kent.  Don’t you recognize me?”

“Stop playing games.  I need to get back to my Soccer Mom lovers—without my thick, upcurved wiener, they won’t be able to have their daily orgasm.  They’ll go batshit crazy and panic-buy every grain of quinoa on the western seaboa—”

“Those are silly pursuits, Kent Wayne—I should know, I was once like you.”

My dread turns to stone cold terror.  “Who ARE you?”

“You know who I am.”

“No.”  Unwanted knowledge surges through me.  “NO!!!”

It’s me!  the Fully Adult (Respectable Edition) version of me!

I drop to my knees as gallons of vomit fly from my mouth:  “BLUUUUHHHH!”  My butthole lurches and quivers violently.  Then it too, lets loose with a stream of filth.

“Ughhh…”  I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

“Time to end this.”  He unzips his pants.  I behold the horror of my inevitable future—a baby-dick micro-peen.

“No…NO…OH-GOD-SO-UGLY-BLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRRR!!!!”  More vomit blasts from my mouth.

“Yes.”  He gives me a sick, twisted grin.  “Take a good, long look, Kent—this is what you become.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Sacred energy builds in my balls, activating my coke-can-thick wiener and making it grow twenty feet long in less than an instant—

—SPLUTCH!—

—spearing my evil doppelganger right through the eye.  Momentary shock streaks across his face before he drops to his knees…then onto his side.

“That’s right, bitch.”  I coil my giant doing around my thigh and tuck it into my sock.  “I’m a professional Man Whore—I can’t waste time with no fun-size gerbil-dick or a respectable lifestyle!  Get the fuck outta here!”

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Have you played with your butt chakra a little too long, and now you have to kill an evil, Respectable version of yourself?  I’ve got just the thing!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the butt-hair is happening, my fellow anus-shavers who’ve gone about trimming your ass fur like you’re defusing a bomb, sweat beading off your forehead because you can’t stop thinking about this new trend where eating someone’s butt is the cool thing to do so you gotta make sure it looks like a hairless pair of old person lips in case your date wants to chow down on brown town and fill you with a delicious mix of shame and pleas—

Be.  CAREFUL.  If a few of those hairs refuse to come out, then back the fuck off!  Better to risk a couple of stragglers than present your date with a blood-spotted horror-show!  As long as it doesn’t look like an evil tarantula, you’re FINE!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

It’s Free Sample Friday!

NerYubberYog McThoosenFizz, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the taint-tickle is happening, all my nervous sex-makers who have entered the mid-stage of a relationship and are stretching out with your senses like young Luke Skywalker, trying to feel for the exact right moment when you should go from the boring-ass. scripted-as-hell genital licking/stroking down to the little strip of no man’s land that’ll lead you down the road into superfreak terri—

For God’s sakes, LICK IT!  It’s just a little taint stimulation—not an invitation for a blumpkin, Roman face mask, or a Pasadena mud slide!  Those come later—after years of pills, countless hours of staring blankly at your cubicle wall, and deviant encounters at shady rest stops where the only interaction you have is through a rough-edged glory hole!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

I’ve knocked out my word count, lifted weights, and gone for a bike ride.  Now I’m walking my 10 lb. Terrier and best friend:  Bitefighter.  As I round the corner, I bump into an ultra-hot single mom.  We get to chatting, and in the course of our conversation, I reveal that I’m the prolific sci-fi author Kent Wayne.

“No kidding!” she gushes.  “I loved Echo and Kor’Thank was hilarious!  It’s just that…”

Uh-oh.

“It’s just that…”  her face twists.  “Could you not swear so much when you write?”

“Uh…not really.  For both those stories, it was entirely appropriate.”

“Do you have a manager or something?  I’d like to speak with them.”

Wait a second.  Manager?

No.

NO.

SHE’S A KAREN!!!

Understanding flashes through my expression.  It doesn’t escape her.  Her face says it all:  brief surprise, followed by sinister malice.  We lock eyes for a timeless instant…then I turn and run.

She follows close on my heels, screaming, “MANAGER!  MANAGER!  MANAGER!”  Jesus she’s fast—not like the regular Karens who’re weighed down by years of baked goods, consumed while watching televised megachurch or the latest episode of Fox and Friends.  This one can MOVE!

Lungs burning, legs jellying…fuck it, no options left.  I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A causality-distortion bubble flies down from the heavens, enveloping the Karen in a spherical blur of existential energies.  She freezes in place, levitated off the ground by an electrostatic storm of quantum potential.

“RUAAAAAHHHH!!!”  She throws her arms back and screams like Highlander.  Possibilities morph across her with quicksilver speed:  one instant she’s an emo poet, the next she’s a successful business owner, the next she’s a hippie-slacker…

KER-BOOM!

I go flying back a dozen feet, tumbling across the ground like I was thrown from a car.  When I come to a stop, I lurch to a sitting position, shielding my face with my right hand while balancing on the ground with my left.

“What the…”

Instead of a Karen, now I’m looking at an uber-hot Soccer Mom.

“Come here, you big-wienered Man Whore.”  She throws me a wicked grin.  “Take those pants off and let’s get to boffing.”

Hot damn!  Don’t have to tell me twice—Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Need to transform a Karen or Ken into something infinitely more appealing?  I’ve got just the thing!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the dangly-balls is happening, my fellow giant-scroted men who are just so proud of your big-ass nuts, proclaiming to anyone and everyone they do a great job of slapping the clit, but when you talk about them to a lady she just gives you a pained grimace and gently informs you they’re not beautiful at all and as a matter of fact, they look a lot like an exposed cat-brain that someone dyed purple or pink (for all you paler folk who got some baby mole-rat colored genitalia) and now that we’re being open about it, they look downright UGL—

Holy FUCK man!  Don’t you know that a scrotum ranks close to an unshaven asshole in the Body Part Attractiveness Index?  Clean yer giblets (with SOAP, goddammit!), put ’em back in your boxers, and never speak of that shit-show of a wrinkle-fest ever again!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

It’s Free Sample Friday!

GerNooberPlibbity YerkenShtock, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the Death Cock is going on, my fellow Meatpackers who’ve waited for someone to start an argument and then ended it by unzipping your pants and—Ka-THUNK—slapping your big ol’ womb-hammer down on the table, putting your hands on your hips, and smiling like the cat that got the motherfucking cre—

Dude, just because you and I have wall-widening thickies is NO EXCUSE to shut down micro-peened (snicker) pedantics by destroying their morale with a glimpse of your plum-tree!  (Snort!)  Now engage in discourse like a patriotic citizen!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

 

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Novelty.

The masses adore it.  Artists crave it.  How can we channel transcendence and resonance into new forms and dazzling patterns?  An eternal question, one that authors struggle with on a daily basis.  The drama of humanity, captured in everything from violence and beauty and primal instincts…

Fuck this—I’m getting nowhere.  I down five handfuls of magic mushrooms.

Holy Shizol—

—YibbaYobMcERMAH-GAWD-THE-BREAKING-OF-WORLDS—

……

…………………..

 

“Kent.”

Huh?

“Kent!”

I crack my eyes open.  Still in my bedroom, still at my desk, but…

“KENT!”

Holy fuckgobble!  A transparent blue genie is floating right above my computer!

“Um…yes?”

“Three wishes.  Make it quick.”

“Um…what?”

“Come on, come on.”  He cycles a hand.  “You know how this goes.”

“Uh, okay.  Bigger dick—”

“Done.  But your dick was already a big ol’ thicky—now you’re gonna have to go super slow and use an entire bottle of lube every time you fuck.”

“No!  Smaller dick!  Smaller—”

Hold on–wait a second!  I catch myself and scream, “Original size!!”

He snaps his fingers.  “Done.  Same old dick.  You have one wish left.”

Dammit!  Stupid stupid STUPID!  Had three wishes, but I wasted two.  Why couldn’t I have wished for—

“Times a’wasting.”  He claps twice.  “Chop chop, motherfucker.”

“Uh…okay.”  I take a deep breath and think it over.  Man, I could end the pandemic, abolish corruption, do away with economic injustice, I could—

But my traitorous mouth blurts, “Bigger dick!”

“You got it.”  He snaps his fingers.  Before I can beg him to take it back, he spins in places and fades into nothingness.

No!  NO!

I feel between my legs.  My hand settles on a giant bulge, roughly the size of a summer sausage.  Who the fuck is gonna want this inside them???

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Soccer Mom Prime crashes through my window, rolling across the floor before she gets up and dusts herself off.

“You asked for a bigger dick, didn’t you?  Tsk tsk.”  She shakes her head.  “Kent—you’re already endowed with an award-winning thicky.”

“I know!” I sob.  “I KNOW!  Now it looks like a Graboid from Tremors!”

“Luckily for you, I’ve got one wish left.”  She snaps her fingers.  “There—back to normal.”

I sniff up a line of snot.  “Th-thank you, Soccer Mom Prime!”

“No worries.”  She smiles.  “Now let’s put that womb-widener to good use–c’mere and gimme some sugar.”

Gladly!  Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

 

Have you lost your wish discipline and conjured a giant wiener that’ll scare everyone off instead of enticing them to put it inside a moistened orifice?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the fart-cushion is happening, all you devious motherfuckers who have observed your enemy with rapt attention, waiting until they leave so you can sit in their seat and unleash a terrible blast of hot sauce-tainted Evil into the porous depths of their beloved chair, ensuring that when they come back and sit they’ll inadvertently trigger a green-tinged Death Cloud—PFFffffffffffffffffff….—and choke to death on their own sputum while inhaling your vile colonic remnan—

Are you TRYING to start World War III???  Your enemy may deserve to die, but not from your gross-ass booty bomb, holding the remains of their melted face in their quivering fingers!  Get a hold of yourself!  Ethics, man–ethics!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

 

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited