Tag: lifestyle

Bezos busts through the wall, sighting in on me with dozens of unnecessarily visible aiming-lasers, mounted on the shoulders of his billion-dollar mech-suit.  “What the fuck?”  I jump out of bed and cover my gigantic penis with a nearby pillow. A band of shadow descends on his eyes.  “Penis…ROCKETS!” No time to think—I leap and…

My ex kicks me out of her moving car.  Asphalt bites into my shoulders and ribs—OW, FUCK, MOTHER OF SHIT—before I come to a stop in the ratty-ass weeds.  It takes me an hour of wriggling and squirming, but I finally worm free of the ties around my wrists.  Fuck, that hurt.  I stand up…

Wait—what?  Men are spontaneously dropping dead?  Wait—WHAT?  I’m the last one alive?  Hold on—ZZRP—I just got teleported into a stadium-full of women, and they’re swarming me like fast-zombies from World War Z, leaping through the air with their mouths fully open, in an attempt to encompass my girthy upcurve?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? THANK YOU,…

“What the fuck?”  My soccer mom clients are seated on either side of me.  Someone abducted us, assembled us in an otherwise empty theater, and tied us to rows of front-facing chairs. “Did you do this?”  I shoot a glance at a soccer mom.  “Why?”  I strain against my ropes.  “Don’t be an idiot, Kent,”…

“We found it,” Darth Maul hisses.  “Your little black client book—it’s FUCKING FILTHY!”  Darth Maul extends a hand, freezing me in place with his Dark Side energy.  “HRRGH.”  I try and fight it, but there’s nothing there for me to grab.  Headrush-sparkles dance through my vision—pretty soon, it’s gonna start closing in at the edges.…

Goddamn…why am I staring down at my face?  No, don’t tell me… “HE’S DEAD!!!”  A horde of milfs crowd my body, obstructing it from my aerial perspective.  “This award-winning Man Whore deserves to be in a museum!”  They all burst out in murmurs of assent.  “We only have so much ice, which means we can’t…

What the fuck?  I wake up and glance at my bedside alarm.  It’s 1 am, and someone’s blasting the punching bag in my garage.  I rack my 9mil, get out of bed, and slowly make my way down the stairs.  I line up my muzzle, eye, and foot, and start cutting the pie on the…

I typically lift at a bro-heavy gym.  I’m pretty meticulous about maintaining my physique, so they don’t bat an eye when I’m doing my thing.  Due to the fact that I can put up decent weight, they assume I yell sports’ star names when I throw wadded paper into the trash can, or chant “USA,…

As I plop down in front of my laptop, I clap my hands and rub em together.  Guess what time it is?  It’s JERKIN’ TIME!!! Here we go.  Myfriendshotmom dot com, milfaf, cougarsontheprowl…how many tabs?  ALL THE TABS!  How many windows?  ALL THE WINDOWS! Foul-smelling smoke drifts up from my screen.  That’s how I know…

“Yes, that’s it, Kent…”  Professor X’s furrowed brow gets extra furrowed as he intently oversees my mutant power training.  “Control it…CONTROL IT…” “NYAARGH!”  My wiener slips away and boi-oi-oings around the Danger Room, smashing and cracking the walls and deck.  “God DAMMIT!”  I sink to my knees and hammer-fist the floor.  “Why have I been…