Musings

Musings

DirtySciFiBuddha26 Comments

I’ve come to realize when I feel negative about something, it’s because I desperately want to feel the opposite emotion, not because I truly hate someone, believe I’m not worthy, etc. etc.

So after I accept/acknowledge/include that dug-in negativity (to loosen it and part ways with it instead of exhausting myself trying to reject it) I focus on what I truly want. At first, it’s usually an empty assertion, but as it gradually strengthens, I get back to the point where I can’t remember why I ever felt the pull of negativity in the first place. It takes some diligence, but after going through the cycle time and again, I’ve learned to trust in the process.

26 thoughts on “Musings”

  1. With respect, I disagree. Negative emotions are there for a reason. If someone angers you, then that person did something to violate your boundaries. Also, if someone betrays your trust, negative emotions are only natural as your brain tries to avoid them or that situation again. Sometimes, negative emotions are there as a protection against future trauma.

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    • I appreciate the respect! With online disagreements, it seems many are tempted to be abrasive. I’d also like to clarify I intend to be respectful as well. The easy counterpoint is that I wrote the musing in first person, implying it’s subjective and valid for me, but I’ll go further and elaborate with a curious phenomenon I’ve noted: my emotions don’t depend on outward circumstances. I thought they did, until I was happy in extreme pain and/or misery, and I was miserable in “happy” conditions. My suspicion is my perceptual framework is more influential; I’ve often been mad at a perceived betrayal or slight, then been mollified when I investigated and realized the offender wasn’t aware they’d offended me, either because of their differing values or they were going through something tough in their personal life. Conversely, I’ve been nonchalant when someone’s done me wrong, because I wasn’t leaping to judgment in my head, although drawing boundaries is definitely useful there, and part of clear communication. So my negative emotions, I’ve concluded, aren’t a response to an objective wrong, but rather a perception-born occurrence (in large part, at least). There are days when I’ve been mad at everything, simply because I wanted to be mad at a supposedly malicious world. The converse is true as well, where I saw benefit and potential in everything, because I believed everything was happening for an ultimately good reason. I’d rather see negative emotions as indicative of preference, rather than protection against trauma, if that makes sense (the connotative weight is different). Once I’ve clarified where I want to go, I believe that easing myself into a positive state will help me get there, maybe I should have put that part about negative emotions clarifying preference into the musing. But really, I want to achieve my goals to feel fulfillment and happiness, so I guess that relates to the first part of my desire to feel positive. Regardless, this is how I found my mind works. I’ve done it the other way–view everything negative as a lesson or indicator–and found I do that naturally enough nowadays. I actually tend to be overly focused on that stuff, which is why I wrote the musing subjectively, and put more focus on regaining positivity. However, you should do what is best for you. I disagree with your disagreement as it applies to me, but I’m fully on board with whatever enriches your life!

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  3. Negative emotions arise because we feel that something ‘should’ be different to how we perceive it to be. Either part of that equation (or both) could be wrong. Even when our perceptions are right, It may be – as you say – that we’ve become too identified with the perceptions and have forgotten that we can act to change our expectations. Maybe we should be more careful with our trust, or more forgiving of other people. Maybe we should pay more attention when attempting some task. Maybe we shouldn’t just hope for ‘someone else’ to fix our problems. Negative outbursts are a noisy short-circuit; they waste energy that we could be using to help avoid a recurrence of the negative emotions behind them. Good post.

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    • Absolutely! I’ve experienced many instances where I got disproportionately furious at someone only to realize they didn’t even realize they’d offended me, and/or my values were different than theirs. Also, for more data-driven people, I believe they’ve done experiments where they’ve measured the effect of venting, where it’s an outburst or aggressive action like hitting or hammering something, and found that it actually doesn’t help and makes things worse, especially in the long-term. I hate forced positivity (I think it amplifies negativity), but I think that acknowledging the negative emotion so it doesn’t grab ahold because I’m trying to reject it or hide it, waiting until it passes without diving into it and inflaming it, then easing into a more positive direction is the most productive way of managing things for me, personally.

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  4. I find I often fixate on the negative. “It can’t be done because…”. I’m not trying to get out of doing whatever it is, it’s just that the negative reaction bursts into my brain first.
    I am trying to fix the problem. I think it probably involves taking a few moments thought before reacting.

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    • I get the intrusive negative thoughts as well. If I feel that weight in my head, I just allow it to be without rejecting or hiding it, so I shrug and say to myself, fine it can’t be done (without diving into it and strengthening it with justifications, if that makes sense). Then I wait until its oppressiveness lessens. If it morphs into another negative thought, I do the same, something like, other people could do it, but not you, then I’d say fine, I’m the only one that can’t do it, and so on and so forth. I find the thought releases quicker when I acknowledge its right to exist. I’ll know when to move onto something more positive by the emotional feel of it–if a positive thought feels plausible and not like forced positivity. I don’t believe this means I’m condoning the negative thought or even liking it, but much like a child screaming for validation, giving it respect and acknowledgment, politely disagreeing and parting ways with it, then getting back to stuff I truly want to focus on.

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    • I recently posted this on facebook. Don’t try to feel happy. DO this that bring laughter, joy, fun. Forget the feelings. So fleeting as a goal. Focus on the ACTIONS that deliver the things thay lead to happiness. So me, happiness, as a state of being, comes from e gaging in more enjoyable activities v painful one.

      For the adulting part, get the must dos pit of the way in first hour of the day. Cliche but sp important. Then focus on my #1 rule, HAVE FUN.

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      • I’m with you! If we were meant to spend our days fussing over eternal calculations, we’d live forever. As it is, I think our short lives mean we’re meant to enjoy the ride!

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    • Indeed! By design, our interpretation of reality is heavily subjective. Learning how to frame it in a positive light is perhaps one of the most important skills we could ever learn. Much like existential philosophers assert (and Zen, I think), I believe the truth of it must be felt–my body and mind can instantly detect my forced positivity, and only respond with more negativity.

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  7. This resonated with me, perhaps because over the last six months I’ve moved closer to living my life as I choose to.

    It takes a lot to move away from shoulds. They hang out even when you think you’ve given them all the boot. But the more I lose, the happier I get.

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    • You and me both! If they’re dug in my brain, I sometimes find reverse-psychology works for me, where I say fine it will all be a disaster, fine I can’t win, fine fine fine. Not that I actually believe those things, but sometimes it’s the fact that I’m rejecting them that strengthens them, if that makes any sense. Once they let go, I move on to a more positive subject, but if they’re still dug in, anything positive feels forced and false.

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  9. There is a Buddhist saying I love: “Do not deny, but never indulge”. It is unrealistic, and toxic, to try and be happy all the time. Most of the time emotions are out of our control. Triggered by lifestyle, diet, hormones, traumas, et cetera. I have found the only way “through” is to sit with it. Acknowledge it. I don’t view any emotion as “negative” anymore. They are just emotions and the more you play with them the stronger they become. We tend to play with the happier emotions more than the heavier ones which I think is the reason why we feel unbalance. Perhaps when we are filled with happiness we should also just sit with it and let it be. Just a contemplative thought, that I too am now thinking about.

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  10. It takes a lot of years of soul searching to truly know oneself, and more than a lifetime to find the strength to change, not just on the surface which we plaster with well meant lies to ourself, but also within and know that our faith in our change is true.

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