“Kent!  KENT!  Get your sweet ass back here, you curve-dicked Man Whore!”  Martha Stewart stumbles through her mansion, waving a giant 4 Loko bottle.  “I’m not done with you!”  She stops in the center of her enormous marble foyer, then lasers in on me one floor up, peeking at her from behind an antique banister.  “There you are—come and give Martha some he-trollop lovin’!”  She takes a swig, smacks her lips, and declares, “Aaaaah!  Glug, glug, mothafuckin’ glug!”

I try and speak in an even tone, but my quivering voice betrays my resolve.  “Go away, Martha!  We both agreed it’d be three pops a session!  You’ve already gotten four!  And you still owe me for the last two visits!” 

“Goddamn millennials!” she snarls.  “Always shortchanging Megaton Martha!”  She yanks a high-tech dildo-sword mounted on the wall.  “That’s what they called me in federal prison, ’cause I’d crush my enemies like a shit-ton of bricks!”  She activates her dildo-saber, filling the air with an insistent hum.  “Sith-lord red, my favorite fucking color!”  A moment later, she tromps up the stairs.  “ ’Bout to clean that ass out—hope you didn’t eat no motherfucking corn!”

Mother of FUCK.  This is NOT what I signed up for!  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Batman and Superman bust through the walls, peppering Martha with heat vision, explosives, and a barrage of well-timed kicks and punches.  She easily deflects them with her dildo-saber, laughing in a two-toned, demonic-ass voice.  “I learned the dark arts back in the big house!  You think I can’t beat some cut-rate do-gooders?”  She grabs the back of Batman’s head and slams his face into the banister, cracking a big-ass hole along its length.  Supes flies in with heat vision and punches, but she blatters him twice with the head of her dildo—p’pap PAP!—two-hands it back so it’s in line with her spine, and hits him with a total-body, sky-to-ground swing.  K’CHOOM!  He rockets down through the second story landing and bounces off the marble floor, leaving ugly cracks in its once-pristine surface.  Martha jumps/follows him through the hole, and strides confidently over to his pummeled body.

“Run, Kent.”  He pushes to his knees.  “For the love of God, get the hell out of here while you still—HRRK!”   She grabs his hair and jerks it back, exposing his throat and mushroom-stamped face.

Martha starts unbuttoning her pants.  “During the embalming process, ancient Egyptians used a hook, to extract the brain via the nose.  I think I can do it with my clit.  It took some focus, but I was able to grow it and make it prehensile.  Now it’s like a cross between a Xenomorph finger and an extra-long curly fry.”

That’s enough for me.  I run out of her compound, blubbering and sobbing.  Superman’s scream follows me across the grass.

Yes, I survived Dark Martha, but at what cost?

AT.  WHAT.  COST????

*Cue the theme for Requiem for a Dream*

Has Martha Stewart gone batshit nuts and threatened your life with a Sith-powered dildo?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a superhero, and barely escape with your motherfucking life!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Force Ghost Luke shakes me awake.  “Hey!  Get up, fucker!”

“Huh?  Whuzzah?”  I blink and squint.  “Why?”

“Fucking Anakin!  We’re both Force Ghosts, but he won’t stop fucking with me!  Always teasing me for kissing Leia!”  He clenches his fists, squinches his face, and grinds his teeth in ass-beating rage.  “How could I have known she was my biological sister?  I didn’t get a boner—I SWEAR!!!”

I swing my legs over the side of my bed, rub the back of my neck, and yawn out the last bit of sleepies.  “You probably inspired George R.R. Martin to write about incest—it correlates with the incest-o-pocalypse of the early 2010s.  I can’t log on to xvideos or Pornhub without seeing a shitty fuckvid about fake stepdads or a horny brother in law.”

Luke throws me a haunted look.  “It’s not my fault!  I got caught up in—”

I hold up a hand, cutting him off.  “Save it, sister-kisser.  I’ll help you fuck with Vader.”

He snivels and wipes away an errant tear.  “Yeah?  How’re you gonna do that?” 

“Watch.”  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Space and time folds and warps—I’m teleported to Bespin, the same processing vane where Luke gets his ass handed to him at the end of Empire.  Yep, there he is, clutching the stump that used to be his hand and clinging to a maintenance shaft.  Shmi Skywalker, Vader’s mom, is right here with me, falling prey to my Man Whore charms. 

As she gropes my bulge and makes innuendos about how the Force is strong with this one, Vader solemnly proclaims, “No…I am your father,” right as Shmi lifts up her skirt and I start hitting it doggy-style.

Before Luke can respond, I interject with, “No, dick-smudge, I’m YOUR father!”  My hips slap busily against Shmi’s ass, mingling with her squeals and ecstatic grunts.  “As soon as we’re done here, I’m gonna realign the time stream—teleport her back to her space-time coordinates, where she’ll proceed to give birth to your whiny emo ass!”

“What the—” Vader spins around and drops his saber.  “MOM!”  He clutches his helmet and lets out a pitiable wail.  “You told me…you said…”

“You seriously believe you were immaculately conceived?” I yell.  “The Force doesn’t have a penis, fuckwit—it’s not shooting jizz into random farmers on the ass-end of Tatooine!  Bro, this is as immaculate as it gets!  Rawdog, baby, all day err’ day!”  My face twists into a Jim Carrey-worthy HNNGHH as I unleash load after load into Shmi’s spasming vajeen.  She accommodates with a matching scream of pleasure. 

Vader clutches the air and screams, “NOOOOOOOO!!!” just like he did at the end of the third shitty prequel.

Shmi turns her head and catches my eye.  “Round two?”  She raises an open-palmed hand.

I reach out and slap her high-five offering.  “Fives, baby!  Round two, here we go!”  I grab hold of her hips and start pumping away.  Down below, Vader drops to his knees and sobs into his gloves. 

That’s what you get for shitting on the galaxy, you dick-helmeted fuck!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Do you need to help Luke put his dick-helmeted father in his dick-helmeted place?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Vader’s mom, and traumatize his ass with a round of shlorpin’ and glorpin’!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing