Tag: poetry

Yet another weird ad for my novels

DirtySciFiBuddha1 Comment

Grammar Nazi Prime races ahead of me.  “Victory is mine!”  He snatches Aladdin’s Lamp and gives me the finger.  “Now you will pay for besmirching grammar and diction!”

“Wait!”  I extend a hand.  “You don’t have to—” 

The lamp emits a blinding flash.

AFTER SPACE-TIME CALMS BACK DOWN…

What the…someone taped me to the back of a chair.  HRRHHH!  I strain as hard as I can, but the duct tape holds. 

CLOP.  CLOP.  CLOP.  Soccer moms filter into the warehouse, clopping their heels against the bare cement floor. 

“Thank God!” I gasp.  “I’ve serviced half of you as a grade-A Man Whore!  Cut this tape off and—”

“Shut it!”  One of them smacks me across the face, then knocks the wind out of me with a painful body hook. 

I turn to the side and hock up blood.  “Why…why did you…”

Grammar Nazi Prime steps into view and folds his hands behinds his back.  “It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.  Allow me to demonstrate.”  He yanks my pants down to my ankles.

The soccer moms immediately erupt into laughter.  “Look at that cartoonishly humongous penis—who would want to get serviced by THAT?”

At first I think it’s a twisted joke.  Then it dawns on me.  ‘It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.’

“That’s right.”  His lips spread wide in a bloodless grin.  “Big wieners are considered unattractive.”

“Aladdin’s lamp…”  My eyes widen in abject horror.  “You UNCONSCIONABLE FUCK!”

He grips me by the neck.  “Do you know what it’s like…”  He bares his teeth in a murderous snarl.  “To have to jerk off with a pair of special grippy tweezers?  To be jealous of a winter-shrunken GODDAMN HAMSTER’S TAIL???”

I can’t help but snort with laughter.  “Hamster tail?  Bro, I figured it would at least be equal to a goddamn gerbil’s but—”

“ENOUGH!”  He raises a chainsaw and starts the motor.  RRMM RRMM RRRMMMM!!!  “THIS ENDS NOW!”

Holy FUCK.  Never, EVER piss off a small-wienered Grammar Nazi!  No options left.  So I put every ounce of muscle into breaking free of the tape—skkRIIP!—then reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener grows to T-Rex proportions, eclipsing Grammar Nazi Prime’s face with its helmet-headed shadow. 

He looks up and whispers, “Mother of G—”

That’s all he manages before it rockets down, mashing him into the concrete floor.  Simultaneously, the soccer moms snap out of it and swarm my frenulum, peppering it with fervent hugs and kisses. 

Ain’t nothin’ better than a passionate frenulum-hug—Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!  😀

Have hamster-penised malcontents turned the world upside down, and brainwashed the populace into hating your genitals?  Never fear!  Buy my books, grow a tyranno-peen, and mash them into the goddamn dirt! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Give my books a read and a review!

DirtySciFiBuddha6 Comments

What the pissing contest is happening, all you urinary warriors who find yourself facing off against your penile archnemesis at the most primal of arenas (side-by-side urinals), it’s off to the races, you start with a moderate stream, he matches it, you increase 10 PSI, he matches it, 10 more PSI, he matches it, sweat beads off your brow, your eyes crinkle with focus, slowly but surely you turn your head and lock eyes with your foe, good God your forceful piss sounds like a cross between a typhoon and a tsunami, suddenly “Duel of the Fates” starts playing from the first shitty prequel and you’re swinging your dick like a goddamn lightsaber, you can’t help but make lightsaber noises with your mouth as both of you try to whack each other—BZZRT, SSST, FSHHHHH—you can’t let him win, you need to defend the honor of your precious phallus—

What in the FUCK?  Put your cock down, and take up a hobby like chess or gardening!  Jesus fucking Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

Give my books a read and a review!

DirtySciFiBuddha7 Comments

What the jerk-a-thon is happening, all you dickbeaters who’ve shot load after load and drained yourself down to the last remaining iota of life force, you now resemble that old lady from Titanic who goes “It’s been 84 years” but you keep whacking and shooting until your wiener looks like the beef jerky version of Clint Eastwood’s face, Gollum sprints in your room, points at your mug, and shrieks in terror because you could double as a mummified crackhead dear God in heaven what HAVE YOU DONE—

And THAT, my friends, is why you glop on the lube while yer floggin’ yer hog!  Otherwise, that thing’ll end up looking like a sundried tomato!  Jesus fucking Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

Musings

DirtySciFiBuddha11 Comments

Ironically, I find my optimal state of self-perception arises from stillness and present-moment focus (where the perception is directed away from the surface self, and arguably allows a visceral perception of the greater self). A sense of well-being spontaneously arises, without any prompting whatsoever, which leads to me feeling good about myself for no tangible reason.

Maybe that’s the true self, and everything else is a restricted narrative. I don’t know. I suspect it’s not meant to be known, at least from an intellectual perspective.

Give my books a read and a review!

DirtySciFiBuddha3 Comments

What the dick-cheese is happening, all you well-washed folks who’ve come across that dude we all fucking know that hoards smelly human dairy within their cracks and crevices and now they’ve gone full-on supervillain and decided to leap into the tristate water reservoir, it leads a top-ranking general to look you gravely in the eye and rasp, “One teaspoon of that hits the floor, it’s lethal up to a hundred feet.  One teaspoon of that shit detonates in the atmosphere, it’ll kill every living organism in an eight-block radius.  Get the point?”  You launch into a Tom Cruise-worthy running montage where you’re yelling into your phone, telling the mayor to get off his fat fucking ass, call SWAT, call the Guard, call Rainbow Fucking Six because as of right now, half the continent is under imminent threat, at the same time Batman is in his Batplane doing Batman-type things and you think because he’s there you have a ghost of a chance but then he starts crying and screaming into the intercom FUCK we’re all so fucking FUCKED—

And THAT, my friends, is why you give your undercarriage a good fucking scrub!  There’s only so much Batman can do against a hair-coated cheese machine!  Jesus fucking Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

Musings

DirtySciFiBuddha12 Comments

In my experience, the quality and direction of my inner state is a big determinant of whether or not I enjoy my life. Outwardly, I may have to oppose or contradict, out of practicality or imminent concern. If that comes from a place of shortage–desire to control, out of insecurity or egotism (maybe they’re the same at a deeper level?)–it only seems to perpetuate more shortage-focused scenarios, where I must constantly control and worry about how to control what comes next, like some hellish game of whack-a-mole.

Inwardly, if I abide in a place of authentic well-being, regardless of whether I’m in outward conflict, it seems I avoid this trap, or pass through it unscathed. So that’s what I like to focus on, even if it might seem foolish to others.

Give my books a read and a review!

DirtySciFiBuddha5 Comments

What the apoca-shit is happening, all my fellow poopers who’ve eaten too much spiciness and are now exerting Keanu Reeves-worthy levels of strain on the toilet, trying to get out all the nasties but it’s gone too far, your eternal soul is crowning from the rim of your dirt-star, it screams at you in its angelic, multi-toned voice, demanding why have you done this, what did it do to deserve this fate, you sob that you’re fucking sorry, you just wanted to eat a couple extra jalapeno sausages and now you’ve gone and damned yourself to fire and agony—

And THAT, my friends, is why you don’t fuck with those extra jalapeno sausages!  Keep yer soul in yer got-damn body!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

Musings

DirtySciFiBuddha8 Comments

As part and parcel of this world, it seems we are all destined to fall at one point or another. The interesting thing to me is when a shift in perspective turns reactivity into empowered responsiveness–when we begin to ascend instead of constantly falling down.

That shift in perspective, in my opinion, might be the crux of free will. It might be the only true choice that we ever really have.

Give my books a read and a review!

DirtySciFiBuddha3 Comments

What the hole-widening peen is happening, all my fellow girth-monsters who like to spread your hands to shoulder-width to give an indication of your meaty magnitude while grinning and laughing as you talk about how you’re gonna gape out an orifice like a Thanksgiving Turkey before you put in the stuffing, then someone raises the idea of gaping out your pee-hole in a similar manner, hey fair play and tit for tat, right?  And you respond NO, that is NOT fair play, FUCK tit for tat, holy shit they’re chasing after you gotta hurdle a bench and turn over chairs, you slide across the hood of a car goddammit they’ve cornered you in the depths of a shadowy alley DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT IN THE FUCK—

And THAT, my friends, is why you keep your girth on the down-low!  You never know when a mob might return the hole-widening favor! 

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀