Grammar Nazi Prime races ahead of me. “Victory is mine!” He snatches Aladdin’s Lamp and gives me the finger. “Now you will pay for besmirching grammar and diction!”
“Wait!” I extend a hand. “You don’t have to—”
The lamp emits a blinding flash.
AFTER SPACE-TIME CALMS BACK DOWN…
What the…someone taped me to the back of a chair. HRRHHH! I strain as hard as I can, but the duct tape holds.
CLOP. CLOP. CLOP. Soccer moms filter into the warehouse, clopping their heels against the bare cement floor.
“Thank God!” I gasp. “I’ve serviced half of you as a grade-A Man Whore! Cut this tape off and—”
“Shut it!” One of them smacks me across the face, then knocks the wind out of me with a painful body hook.
I turn to the side and hock up blood. “Why…why did you…”
Grammar Nazi Prime steps into view and folds his hands behinds his back. “It’s a different world, Kent. Literally. Allow me to demonstrate.” He yanks my pants down to my ankles.
The soccer moms immediately erupt into laughter. “Look at that cartoonishly humongous penis—who would want to get serviced by THAT?”
At first I think it’s a twisted joke. Then it dawns on me. ‘It’s a different world, Kent. Literally.’
“That’s right.” His lips spread wide in a bloodless grin. “Big wieners are considered unattractive.”
“Aladdin’s lamp…” My eyes widen in abject horror. “You UNCONSCIONABLE FUCK!”
He grips me by the neck. “Do you know what it’s like…” He bares his teeth in a murderous snarl. “To have to jerk off with a pair of special grippy tweezers? To be jealous of a winter-shrunken GODDAMN HAMSTER’S TAIL???”
I can’t help but snort with laughter. “Hamster tail? Bro, I figured it would at least be equal to a goddamn gerbil’s but—”
“ENOUGH!” He raises a chainsaw and starts the motor. RRMM RRMM RRRMMMM!!! “THIS ENDS NOW!”
Holy FUCK. Never, EVER piss off a small-wienered Grammar Nazi! No options left. So I put every ounce of muscle into breaking free of the tape—skkRIIP!—then reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My wiener grows to T-Rex proportions, eclipsing Grammar Nazi Prime’s face with its helmet-headed shadow.
He looks up and whispers, “Mother of G—”
That’s all he manages before it rockets down, mashing him into the concrete floor. Simultaneously, the soccer moms snap out of it and swarm my frenulum, peppering it with fervent hugs and kisses.
Ain’t nothin’ better than a passionate frenulum-hug—Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh! 😀
Have hamster-penised malcontents turned the world upside down, and brainwashed the populace into hating your genitals? Never fear! Buy my books, grow a tyranno-peen, and mash them into the goddamn dirt!
Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback. Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1
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Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha 