My ex kicks me out of her moving car.  Asphalt bites into my shoulders and ribs—OW, FUCK, MOTHER OF SHIT—before I come to a stop in the ratty-ass weeds.  It takes me an hour of wriggling and squirming, but I finally worm free of the ties around my wrists. 

Fuck, that hurt.  I stand up and look around.  This place is teeming with life, but not in a good way.  Any second now, some giant lizard or fist-sized bug is gonna jump out of the bush and—

“Well look what we have here.”  A pot-bellied militia-guy emerges from the brush.  He’s kitted out in high-end armor, tacti-cool pouches, and a rifle that’s tripled in natural weight, due to all the scopes, lasers, and the chainsaw-bayonet hanging off its end. 

I take a shot in the dark.  “Zeke?”

“HOW’D YEW KNOW?”  His rifle snaps up.

“Whoa!”  I thrust my hands in the air.  “Lucky guess, man!”

Three of his friends emerge from the treeline.  One of them says, “Got dibs on the mouth.”

“Yew might be a Chinese spy.”  Zeke’s eyes narrow in suspicion. 

“Korean-American, actually.  My parents—”

“WHUTEVER!” he roars.  “YEW CAN STILL BE A SPY!”

I shrug in defeat.  “That’s true, but—”

“Only one way to tell.”  He jerks his chin at my crotch.  “Gotta see if yer circumcised.  Now lemme see that sexy Chinese penis.”

My brow furrows in concern.  “Yeah, that’s not a thing.  You’re probably thinking about—”

“LEMME SEE IT!”

Shit.  These guys are straight out of a Tarantino horror flick.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

One of the hillbillies yells, “The FUCK—” before a sickening crack rings through the air, and he drops to the ground with his head canted back at an impossible angle.  Full-auto fire chatters and blazes, targeting Chuck Norris as he darts away from his broken-necked prey, accelerates into a circular sprint, and—

“EEEEHHHH-HOOOOO!!!” 

—roundhouse kicks one of them so fucking hard that his skull rockets clean off his neck, and pinball-ricochets off five different trees.  His buddy screams, “HOLY FUCK!” and ejects his mag.  Before he can click a new one in, Chuck runs up to him and punts him in the crotch.  Blood jets out the hillbilly’s ears, his eyes go red with burst vessels, and his gory nuts shoot out from his mouth.

Chuck points at the hillbilly leader.  “That is MY sexy Chinese penis!”

I clear my throat.  “Korean-American, actually—”

He swivels in my direction and snaps, “Quit messin’ with my damn intellectual!”  He turns around to address the hillbilly leader, who’s raising his trembling hands and trying not to cry.  “Now.  Me n’ Kent are gonna strip nekkid and stare at ourselves in the mirror while we get our pump on with some extra grunty bicep curls.  Right, Kent?  Right?!?  KENT!  OH, COME ON—YOU GODDAMN COMMUNIST PUSSY!”

I’m already running away.  Fuck that shit. 

Has your ex ditched you in the backwoods of Florida, and left you to fend for yourself against a bunch of deviant militia-larpers?  Never fear!  Buy my books, use their magical powers to summon psycho Chuck Norris, and watch him mutilate their bodies with his legendary roundhouse kicks!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Paperback here:  Weapons of Old, paperback.  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Wait—what?  Men are spontaneously dropping dead?  Wait—WHAT?  I’m the last one alive?  Hold on—ZZRP—I just got teleported into a stadium-full of women, and they’re swarming me like fast-zombies from World War Z, leaping through the air with their mouths fully open, in an attempt to encompass my girthy upcurve?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

THANK YOU, GOD!!!

48 HOURS LATER…

Murrgh…need electrolytes…brain function…dropping…

Grammar Nazi Prime folds his hands behind his back, striding beside me and dipping his chin.  “Well.  What have we here.  The great author and award-winning Man Whore, rendered helpless by nonstop ejaculation.”

Urg.  Rog.  No think good.  Me look like zombie.  I once run and jump, eat Cheeto and dorito.  Now I lay down.  No eat.  No chew.  Too tired. 

“HA!”  He throw head back.  Laugh loud.  “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier!  Bought down by your greatest strength—your juicy veiny thick-ass upcurve!”

(Hm.  Seem like more description than necessary).

“Anyways,” he continue.  “Look at it now!”  He gesture with hand.

I look down at wiener.  Now look like burnt hamster tail.  No.  NO.  How could eighth wonder of world turn into blackened tiny nub???  Must do something.  Must act NOW.

I open eReader to Kent Wayne novel, activating special reality-bending power.  Magic flash. 

“God DAMMIT!”  Grammar Nazi Prime takes off running. 

My wiener expands a dozen yards, sweeping him off his feet and entangling his ankles. 

“No!”  He tries clawing the floor, but to no avail—I slowly but steadily drag him back toward me.  “PLEASE!”  Tears line his cheeks as he yanks on his legs, desperately trying to free them from my brutish womb-hammer. 

It shoots up his body, breaking joints and drawing screams as it wraps tightly around his knees and hips, his spine and arms.  As a uniquely phallic coup de grace, it shloops tightly over his dome, enveloping his head in its smeg-ridden folds. 

“AHGODNO!”  As smoke erupts from the hellish peen-helmet, a high-pitched shriek erupts from within.  “EEEEEEEEEEEEE—”  A second later, it abruptly cuts off.  My wiener retracts, revealing Grammar Nazi Prime’s flesh-stripped skull, smoking and ridden with slow-crawling embers. 

I hiss awkwardly through my clenched teeth.  Yeah he was a douche, but…

Nope!  That’s what you get for trynna turn my love of vajeen into a goddamn deathtrap!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a pedantic, grammar-obsessed puddle of fermented douche-water tried to assassinate you?  Never fear!  Buy my books, activate their magic reality-bending powers, and grow your genitals into a limb-snapping face-melter! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Paperback here:  Weapons of Old, paperback.  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“What the fuck?”  My soccer mom clients are seated on either side of me.  Someone abducted us, assembled us in an otherwise empty theater, and tied us to rows of front-facing chairs.

“Did you do this?”  I shoot a glance at a soccer mom.  “Why?”  I strain against my ropes. 

“Don’t be an idiot, Kent,” the nearest one hisses.  “To enjoy your Man Whore services, we require the full use of your athletic musculature.  Your girthy upcurve can work by itself, but experiencing it solo would miss the forest for the tr—”

“SILENCE!”  Grammar Nazi Prime strides onto the stage, hands folded behind his back.  “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!” 

“For WHAT?” A soccer mom yells.  “I don’t even—”

“NO ONE WILL FUCK ME!”  He drops to his knees and clutches the air.  “AAAARRRGGHHH!!!”  He pops back up and points at my face.  “And YOU!  You’re getting PAID FOR IT!”

Receding hairline, nonexistent jawline, clear deprivation of vitamin D, resulting in lackluster muscle tone and skinny-fat dadbod…

“No way,” I whisper.  “The ultimate incel.”

“THAT’S RIGHT!”  He drops his pants, revealing a wiener that would make a freezing wet hamster point and laugh.  “YOU THINK ANYONE’S GONNA PUT THEIR MOUTH ON A FLESHY LITTLE THIMBLE?  ONE THAT RESEMBLES A DEFORMED MOLE RAT BABY?  THINK A-FUCKING-GAIN!”

The Soccer Moms immediately start barfing and wailing.  Tears of blood leak down their cheeks, triggered by the Cthulu-rivaling horror between his legs.  One of them bursts into an ugly-crying sob-rant, going in depth about her wish for a handy wakizashi, so she can engage in a bout of ritualized seppuku. 

My body starts rebelling—blood leaks out my organs and brims from my lips.  Pretty soon, we’re all gonna look like the crew in Event Horizon, when they teleported into a soul-killing hellscape. 

Fuck that.  No options left.  So I worm an arm free, reach in my pocket, and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener rips through the center of my pants, expanding into a Godzilla-sized column of veiny flesh.  As its shadow eclipses Grammar Nazi Prime, he whispers, “Mother of G—”

That’s all he gets out before it comes rocketing down, enveloping his head with the remains of my foreskin.  SHLOOP.  It’s like someone ambushed him with an old-school diving helmet, only this one’s made of stank-ass dickskin. 

“AHGODNO!”  He wrestles with the folds of my dick, trying like hell to pull it off his mug.  As smegma begins to secrete from the wrinkles, my nemesis erupts with a high-pitched scream:  “EEEEEEEEE—”  Then it cuts off and he sags to his knees. 

While all that was happening, the Soccer Moms managed to wriggle free of their restraints.  Now they’re charging the stage, swamping the corpse of my age-old nemesis.  Kicks and punches rain down on his body, giving him the extra Fuck-You he so richly deserves.

Welp, that’s what you get for messing with a Man Whore’s milf clientele!  HEH heh heh!

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Has Grammar Nazi Prime tied you and your lovers up in an empty theater, then subjected you to body horror that would make John Wayne Gacy shit himself in terror?  Never fear!  Buy my books, weaponize your genitals, and give that fool the death he deserves!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“We found it,” Darth Maul hisses.  “Your little black client book—it’s FUCKING FILTHY!”  Darth Maul extends a hand, freezing me in place with his Dark Side energy. 

“HRRGH.”  I try and fight it, but there’s nothing there for me to grab.  Headrush-sparkles dance through my vision—pretty soon, it’s gonna start closing in at the edges.

“MY MOTHER!”  Darth Vader busts through a wall and levels his lightsaber at my face.  “YOU GAPED HER OUT LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!’

“What…did…you…expect.”  My eyes tick over to him.  “I’m…an…award-winning…Man Whore.”

“Not for long,” Maul rasps.  “In less than a minute, you’ll be a lifeless piece of—”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

“I’ve gained access to power…that dwarfs your ridiculous kid-party parlor tricks.”  I extend a hand toward Maul, mirroring his finger-curled gesture.

“Have you?”  He chuckles sardonically and tightens his Force-choke.  “I assure you that—”

I flex my will and tense my fingers, causing him to double at the waist and clutch his belly.

“OH DEAR JESUS!”  Even though he’s got a robot butt, my poop-yourself-powers don’t have limits—motor oil, organs, and foul-smelling liquids erupt out his backend.  “AH-GOD-PLEASE!”  Tears leak down his red-and-black cheeks.  “MERCY—I BEG OF YOU!”

I swivel left, pointing my curl-fingered hand at Darth Vader’s helmet.  He deactivates his saber, raises his hands, and quavers, “Whoa—hey now.  I was kidding around, you know?”  He shakes with a nervous, don’t-hurt-me giggle.  “Um…my mom’s hot, everyone knows that.  I don’t blame you for—”

I flex my will and rasp, “You’re making this weird.”

“AAAHHHHH!!!”  He clutches his gut as hamsters, beer bottles, and half-digested food shoot out his dirt-star. 

“What’s going on here?!?”  Leia comes stomping in.  Her face lights up as she lasers in on me.  “My favorite Man Whore!”

I glance down at my upcurve, then shoot her a weighted, wink-wink look.  “It’s here if you want it.”

She wipes drool off her mouth with the back of her wrist.  “Hot damn!  The Widener cometh!”  (Everyone’s got a nickname for it).

As she slips a hand into the crook of my elbow, Vader reaches out with a trembling arm.  “Fuck…no…NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

Music to my ears!  HEH heh heh!

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Have you been accosted by a couple of jealous-ass Sith lords?  Never fear!  Buy my books, make ’em shit out their organs, then widen their family members for money, prestige, and/or sheer petty vengeance! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Goddamn…why am I staring down at my face?  No, don’t tell me…

“HE’S DEAD!!!”  A horde of milfs crowd my body, obstructing it from my aerial perspective.  “This award-winning Man Whore deserves to be in a museum!”  They all burst out in murmurs of assent.  “We only have so much ice, which means we can’t preserve everything.  Quick—we need to decide what takes priority!  What’s the best part?  His abs?  That delicious muscle that goes from his neck to his shoulder, the one that chicks like to mark with a bite?  What about his clit-hammer?”

“His what?”

“You know—his pendulous sack.  It adds extra sensation by slapping your button when he’s hitting it from the back in spider-monkey doggy style.”

“No, you fools!” one of them screams.  “It’s his girthy, vajeen-widening upcurved DICK!”

Her buddy looks around in unhinged panic.  “Who would do this?  What kind of sadist—”

Brad Pitt walks out from the shadows, bowing his head and clapping in mock appreciation.  “Bravo, gents.  Bra.  Fucking.  Vo.”  He’s trailed by he-whores from all generations:  Hemsworth, Chalamet, Jackman, and dozens of others follow in his wake. 

“This FUCKHOLE—”  Brad Pitt thrusts a finger at my unresponsive face.  “—overshadowed us all!  None of us can compete with the angle on his wiener!  It’s like a goddamn g-spot-seeking crotch missile!”

“You killed him.”  The lead milf’s shock and horror slowly transforms into steely-edged wrath.  “You killed him.”  The rest of the milfs rise up behind her, heads bowed in Fuck-You rage. 

Pitt looks back at his sub-par whores, laughs, and shoots her a wicked, school-bully grin.  “Yeah?  What are you gonna do about it?”

“RUAHHHHH!!!”  A tide of milfs boil toward him, hands raised into scrotum-tearing claws. 

Fuck.  FUCK.  I can’t let my clients fight them alone.  So I reach deep into my psychospiritual essence, and open my mental eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

I’m back in my body, and conveniently enough, my womb-hammer just switched into full-on Destruction Mode.  As it rears back and eclipses the moon, it unleashes a howl of bone-quaking fury, blurring the air with ripples of force. 

Chris Evans drops to his knees, holding his hands over his ears.  “No…STOP…”  Blood leaks past his white-knuckled hands.  He’s closest to my wiener, so he’s getting the brunt of its sonic assault. He straightens up and screams in pain—AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!—before his over-pressured eyes burst from their sockets, and his head explodes into a gory red fountain. 

The other he-whores turn and run.  Chalamet makes it a dozen yards before my shaft comes down in a thunderous arc, mashing him into the unforgiving dirt.  As my wiener raises back up, I can see Chalamet sticking to its veiny underside.  I barely recognize him.  His features were deformed by the horrendous impact, his bones and organs have been crushed and pureed. 

He manages to murmur, “Kiilll meeee…” through his mangled lips before my unrelenting wiener descends again, smashing the lower half of Hemsworth’s body, and causing everything in his torso to squirt out through his mouth.  The other he-whores don’t fare better—they all die horrific deaths, courtesy of my unstoppable, death-crazed phallus. 

In a macabre twist, my clients all burst into raucous cheers.  It’s pretty weird, considering we’re surrounded by an army of corpses…

Oh well.  That’s what you get, you sub -par he-whores, for depriving them of an award-winning upcurve!

 Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have weak-penised celebrities tried to kill you ’cause your wiener triggers uncontrollable rage, to the point where they can’t even masturbate without sobbing in desolation?  Never fear!  Buy my books, make your womb-hammer into an instrument of death, and destroy them with a series of world-cracking strikes!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

What the fuck?  I wake up and glance at my bedside alarm.  It’s 1 am, and someone’s blasting the punching bag in my garage.  I rack my 9mil, get out of bed, and slowly make my way down the stairs. 

I line up my muzzle, eye, and foot, and start cutting the pie on the doorway to my garage.  Halfway through, I spot Luke Skywalker, wailing away on the goddamn heavy bag, screaming “FUCK YOU!  FUCK YOU!  FUCK YOU!”  Each time he swears, he lands a hate-fueled punch. 

“HEY!” I yell.  “Just what in the hell do you think you’re DOING?”

He spins around, tears in his eyes, and levels a finger at my face.  “I kissed my SISTER, man!  I’m a fucking SISTER-KISSER!”

“Lucas wrote that in before he fleshed out the trilogy!  Let it go, fucker!”

“And then I drank alien titty milk!”  He drops to his knees and sobs into his hands.  “AH GOD THE ALIEN TITTY MILK!”

I eject my mag, rack the slide to the rear, pop out the round in the chamber, and put it all on a nearby shelf.  “Look, man, I’m sure it wasn’t—”

A hooded figure drifts out of the shadow.  “Intentional?”  He steeples his fingers and cackles with glee.  “Oh I assure you—it was completely intentional.”

“No.”  Luke scuttles back on his hands and butt, huddling in the corner and curling into a ball.  “NO!”

“Yes.”  The hooded figure pulls back his hood, revealing himself to be none other than—

“GEORGE FUCKING LUCAS!”  Luke clutches the air and screams in anguish. 

“Don’t forget about me.”  A second hooded figure emerges from the shadows, noticeably more rotund than George Lucas.  He pulls back his hood.

Holy shit—George R.R. MARTIN???

“I’ve come to finish the job.”  His grin widens into an evil rictus.  “You think sister-kissing is gross?  Ever seen what I did with the Lannisters?”

Luke screams louder than he did on Bespin, when Vader cut off his motherfucking arm.  “NOOOOOOOO!!!!”

“You!”  I thrust a finger at the sister-focused perverts.  “YOU’RE the reason I can’t scroll through xvideos without incestuous garbage popping up on my feed!  I don’t mind when someone gets stuck in a dryer, but—”

“Quiet.”  George Lucas reaches toward me, curling his fingers and Dark Side-choking me.  “My creation will bow to my wishes and whims.”

“HRRKK.”  I claw at my throat, but there’s no real hand—I’m about to be murdered by a neck-bearded Sith-lord.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

“You think you’re gross?”  Steven Seagal plods into the center of the room, clad in a pair of yellow-spotted whitey-tighties.  “You don’t know the first thing about gross.”  He proceeds to pull a fly-ridden chicken leg from the depths of his greasy-ass chest-hair.

Lucas and Martin immediately start retching.  I’m talking projectile-vomit that’s so goddamn hard it ricochets off the walls and the floor, and envelops the room in a maze of zig-zagging puke.  Thankfully, I’m near the door, so while my eyes start watering and my gorge starts rising, I don’t get affected nearly as bad.  (Luke’s puking and shitting along with the Georges, but he’s a gross-ass sister-kisser, so fuck him.)

While I stagger away, I glimpse Lucas passed out in a pool of his own vomit.  Martin is on his hands and his knees, valiantly trying to cling to life.  He moans, “It kills, it kills…” before he collapses and starts jerking and twitching. 

Welp, that’s what you get for pushing your sister-fetish bullshit! 

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Have you been accosted by some gross-ass Georges?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Steven Seagal, and make them choke on their own fucking vomit!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

I typically lift at a bro-heavy gym.  I’m pretty meticulous about maintaining my physique, so they don’t bat an eye when I’m doing my thing.  Due to the fact that I can put up decent weight, they assume I yell sports’ star names when I throw wadded paper into the trash can, or chant “USA, USA!” when something explodes. 

Little do they know—I look like a meathead, but that’s as far as it goes.

Case in point:  I’m watching my favorite new addiction while I’m blasting out reps.  That’s right—Kpop Demon Hunters.  And I am INTO it.  As Jinu sacrifices himself to save Rumi, I start arguing with my phone screen.  “No, you IDIOT, there’s another way to keep them alive, you don’t have to—”

“Why are you shouting?”  A douche-bro with muscled straining man-teats (made ten times worse by the fact that he’s wearing a spaghetti-strap tank top), walks up and peers into my phone.  “What the—”  He straightens in shock, cups his mouth, and yells at the rest of the gym while pointing at my face.  “HE REFUSES TO CONFORM TO OUR INSECURITY-DRIVEN TASTES—HE’S WATCHING GODDAMN KPOP DEMON HUNTERS!!!”

Cries of outrage erupt from the bros.  “I HATE HIM!”  And:  “HIS DICK IS PROBABLY BIGGER THAN ALL OF OURS COMBINED!”  Followed by:  “UNDOUBTEDLY!”  And:  “I WOULD BET MY LIFE ON IT!”  It culminates in a howl of bone-quaking rage, then they all sprint toward me with murder in their eyes.

Holy.  SHIT.  I am seconds away from being torn to shreds.

No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

An interdimensional portal appears in the middle of the gym.  The douche-bros’ hot-ass moms pour from its center, and immediately begin chastising them.  Their names throw me for a goddamn loop—it sounds like a list of Ivy-league roofie-slingers.  I’m talking Daxtons, Hunters, Codys, Jaggers, Baylors, Zaydens, Sawyers…(As far as the normal ones, I’m guessing they’re horrendously misspelled—since when did it become fashionable to name your kid Qris, Zaquiri, Ty-lor, or S5imon?  I mean, what in the FUCK?)

A mom flings an arm at me and screams, “Don’t you know who this is???  It’s 2025’s top-rated Man Whore!”

I rub the back of my neck and hiss through my teeth.  “I mean…”

“Oh hush.”  She flaps a dismissive hand at me.  “Take off your clothes—lemme get to work on that top-tier womb-hammer.”

Her son (I forgot his name—I think it’s Jaxsynn, $eth, or maybe Johnorea) shoots her a look of abject horror.  “Mom!”

One of the other moms adds, “And sing ‘Soda Pop’ while you’re widening our vajeens.”

“No!”  The douche-bros’ drop to their knees and clutch the air with their hands.  “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

I clap my hands and rub them briskly together, smiling like the cat that got the mothafuckin’ cream. 

OH yeah!  HEH heh heh!  Kent Wayne wins again! 

😀

Are insecurity-driven douche-bros persecuting you for grooving to a banger from Ejae, Rei-Ami, or Audrey Nuna?  Never fear!  Buy my books, magically summon their horny-ass moms, and lay that pipe while you cum to their tears!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

As I plop down in front of my laptop, I clap my hands and rub em together.  Guess what time it is?  It’s JERKIN’ TIME!!!

Here we go.  Myfriendshotmom dot com, milfaf, cougarsontheprowl…how many tabs?  ALL THE TABS!  How many windows?  ALL THE WINDOWS!

Foul-smelling smoke drifts up from my screen.  That’s how I know it’s good and ready. 

In a matter of seconds, sperm is flying through my condo, plastering the walls and regrouting the tiles.  After my eighth or ninth blast, I notice something weird—the women in my videos…they’re pregnant?  I start shutting windows as fast as I can, sweating buckets as I work the shaft and cradle the balls.  What the fuck IS this?  I didn’t put pregnancy in the goddamn search engi—

“HO HO HO!”  Satan materializes behind me.  “You think you can procrastinate on your writing and jerk off to milfs?  WITNESS THE FRUITS OF YOUR MILF-BORN INIQUITY!” 

Right as he vanishes, the women on screen start to give birth.  Man Child babies, all spawned from Man Child Prime (that would be me) begin shooting out of their burgeoning cooters.  My laptop tips over and starts fritzing with lightning.  Holy shit—their babies ARE CRAWLING OUT OF THE SCREEN!

They immediately spout poop and noxious-ass vomit.  Good God, is this what it’s like to deal with a miniature me?  One of them charges right at my balls, galloping on all fours and gnashing its teeth.  Right as it leaps at me and howls like a demon—RRRRRRRAAAHHH—I pivot sideways and slap it away, causing it to spin in the air and crash into a lamp. 

“This was your HOME!” I heft my sack and look in its eyes, struggling to hold back tears of disbelief.  “Why would you try to crush your own HOME???”

In response, it snarls and hisses.  There’s nothing there—just an overwhelming desire to defile and destroy.  Fuck it, no options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

I can feel it in my gut—a ghost-pepper burrito.  I scan the horde of mini-Kents, gritting my teeth and flexing my ass.  “You asked for it.  Here it comes, you mindless little fucks.”

BEEEEOOOORRRRRRRRR

If this were a contest between me and Gimli (when he’s blowing the big-ass horn at Helm’s Deep), he’d stop mid-blow, regard me with astonishment, and whisper, “By all that is holy upon Middle Earth.”  My death-fart expands into a baleful green mist.  Wherever it lands, paint peels and wood rots.  The effect on their flesh is just as horrific—mini-Kents flail and scream in agony.  The ones on the ceiling drop to the floor, writhing in pain and cursing up a storm.  The ones in the walls bust out and clutch their throats, gurgling and spitting as they try to catch their breath.  Pretty soon, they’re reduced to puddles of bubbling flesh. 

Christ.  I know that’s not indicative of everyone’s kids.  But when it comes to yours truly, a consummate man-child and award winning Man Whore…

Yeah.  It’s better to just stick to writing fiction. 

Has Satan given you a reminder that you need to quit jerking it and get back to writing?  Never fear!  Buy my books, tap their reality-bending powers, and destroy Satan’s spawn with a city-killing fart!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Yes, that’s it, Kent…”  Professor X’s furrowed brow gets extra furrowed as he intently oversees my mutant power training.  “Control it…CONTROL IT…”

“NYAARGH!”  My wiener slips away and boi-oi-oings around the Danger Room, smashing and cracking the walls and deck.  “God DAMMIT!”  I sink to my knees and hammer-fist the floor.  “Why have I been cursed with this upcurved girth monster?  WHY???”

Jean Grey places a hand on my shoulder.  “It’s okay, Kent.  We all had trouble controlling our gifts.”  She glances at my peen, clears her throat, and flushes bright red.  “Yours is…mmm…”  She closes her eyes and starts playing with her neck line.  “Mm mm MMM…”

“The fuck are you doing???”  Wolverine busts in and levels a finger at Jean.  “You said his cartoonishly big womb-hammer didn’t turn you on!  Jean, we talked about—”

“What are YOU doing???”  Cyclops busts in and levels a finger at Wolverine.  “Stop trying to fuck my wife!  She used to smell good—now she smells like a wad of wet rotten carpet!”

“Whose problem is that, bub?”  Wolverine turns around and unsheathes his claws—SHING.  “Back the fuck off or I’m gonna shish-kebab that clit you try to pass off as your cock!”

As Cyclops raises a hand to his visor, his lips quiver with rage.  Holy fuck—if I don’t do something, these two are gonna kill each other.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Control of my wiener—finally!  I sweep Cyclops off his feet with the glans, then snake it around his neck and choke him unconscious.  Wolverine leaps at the shaft, claws raised—hhrRAAAGHH—but I mushroom-stamp him thrice, whap-pap-papping him into a senseless daze.  Then I shloop my headskin onto his face and melt it off by secreting smeg from the folds.  He’d probably scream his ass off if he still had a working mouth and brain.

“I said God DAMN!”  Jean wipes off drool with the back of her wrist.  “Need to get me some a’ that sau-SEEJ!”  As she telekinetically flies us off, I start humming the X-men theme from the ’90s animated series.  Never thought it would herald a session of hole-widening pleasure, but don’t buy a gift horse when your dick’s getting sucked, or however that saying goes.  You know what I mean. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have Cyclops and Wolverine erupted with small-dick energy and threatened your chances to hook up with Jean?  Never fear!  Buy my books, destroy them with your genitals, then seduce Jean into an ecstatic widening!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Grammar Nazi Prime races ahead of me.  “Victory is mine!”  He snatches Aladdin’s Lamp and gives me the finger.  “Now you will pay for besmirching grammar and diction!”

“Wait!”  I extend a hand.  “You don’t have to—” 

The lamp emits a blinding flash.

AFTER SPACE-TIME CALMS BACK DOWN…

What the…someone taped me to the back of a chair.  HRRHHH!  I strain as hard as I can, but the duct tape holds. 

CLOP.  CLOP.  CLOP.  Soccer moms filter into the warehouse, clopping their heels against the bare cement floor. 

“Thank God!” I gasp.  “I’ve serviced half of you as a grade-A Man Whore!  Cut this tape off and—”

“Shut it!”  One of them smacks me across the face, then knocks the wind out of me with a painful body hook. 

I turn to the side and hock up blood.  “Why…why did you…”

Grammar Nazi Prime steps into view and folds his hands behinds his back.  “It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.  Allow me to demonstrate.”  He yanks my pants down to my ankles.

The soccer moms immediately erupt into laughter.  “Look at that cartoonishly humongous penis—who would want to get serviced by THAT?”

At first I think it’s a twisted joke.  Then it dawns on me.  ‘It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.’

“That’s right.”  His lips spread wide in a bloodless grin.  “Big wieners are considered unattractive.”

“Aladdin’s lamp…”  My eyes widen in abject horror.  “You UNCONSCIONABLE FUCK!”

He grips me by the neck.  “Do you know what it’s like…”  He bares his teeth in a murderous snarl.  “To have to jerk off with a pair of special grippy tweezers?  To be jealous of a winter-shrunken GODDAMN HAMSTER’S TAIL???”

I can’t help but snort with laughter.  “Hamster tail?  Bro, I figured it would at least be equal to a goddamn gerbil’s but—”

“ENOUGH!”  He raises a chainsaw and starts the motor.  RRMM RRMM RRRMMMM!!!  “THIS ENDS NOW!”

Holy FUCK.  Never, EVER piss off a small-wienered Grammar Nazi!  No options left.  So I put every ounce of muscle into breaking free of the tape—skkRIIP!—then reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener grows to T-Rex proportions, eclipsing Grammar Nazi Prime’s face with its helmet-headed shadow. 

He looks up and whispers, “Mother of G—”

That’s all he manages before it rockets down, mashing him into the concrete floor.  Simultaneously, the soccer moms snap out of it and swarm my frenulum, peppering it with fervent hugs and kisses. 

Ain’t nothin’ better than a passionate frenulum-hug—Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!  😀

Have hamster-penised malcontents turned the world upside down, and brainwashed the populace into hating your genitals?  Never fear!  Buy my books, grow a tyranno-peen, and mash them into the goddamn dirt! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing