Twenny grams o’ shrooms—GALUMPH.  Wait a few minutes, and…

HooooOOOOLY SHIIIIIIITTTT!!!!!!!!!

…

……………………………………

I’ve been on Middle Earth for a couple of months.  Still can’t pronounce where I am (these flowy-tongued Elves with their Ls and their Ys) but I’m not gonna lie, it’s pretty dope.  You prolly never smashed with a beautiful set of nethers that maintain grooming all by themselves and also smell like fresh-baked cake, but lemme tell you—it’s a whole new level of mind-blowing awesome.

Unfortunately, my Elf-milf dalliances come with a downside:  everyone’s worried about an evil dark lord.  Apparently, the dude’s a fiftieth-level necromancer who wants to throat-fuck Dumbledore, or some other similarly nefarious bullshit.  I don’t know—I’m just a simple-ass Man Whore, here to service hot Elven moms.  Anyways, much to my annoyance, they’ve drafted me into their army reserves.  Nothing front-line; it’s mostly stuff like packaging lembas, maintaining their arsenal, or neatening up their enchanted fortifications.  I’m not a fan.  Why sharpen swords or dig another ditch, when I could be lapping away at cake-scented vajeen?

A couple hours ago, they put us on notice.  Some high-ranking douchebag is gonna address our regiment.  I’ve suffered through two of these, and it’s already old.  Another dickhole in fancy armor is gonna establish dominance over us lowly peasants, so he can jerk off later to his military authority.  Blegh. 

I zone out for a good thirty minutes, blocking out whoever’s blithering at us.  Since I’m five rows back, I can’t see who’s talking,  I almost miss it when he calls, “Off-worlder!  Front and center!”

Off-worlder.  Me. 

SHIT.

I shoulder my way through, muttering discontentedly under my breath.  When I step in front of him, he grips my forearm and states, “I am Aragorn, King of Gondor.”

“Um, yep.”  I clear my throat.  “I am Kent, finder of Cl’Toris.”

He nods briskly.  “In the last five eons, no off-worlder has graced our lands.  I shall escort you to our most erudite wizards, who will bless you with a range of protective spells.  Then I will take you to the heart of war, so you may win glory and honor for your native folk.”

“What?  No!”  I snatch my hand away.  “I’m not leaving uh…”  (Dammit.  Still can’t pronounce the name of this city).

He crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow.  “You don’t even know where you currently reside.”

“That’s besides the point!” I fume.  “I’m needed here!”

“Really.”  His eyebrow goes up a couple of notches.

“Um…”  I face the Elves and boom, “I thank each and every one of you for keeping me safe, so I may pleasure your women and bring them joy.”  I flash a glance at Aragorn.  “My fellow Man Whore knows what I’m talking about.  Look at him—handsome bastard.”  I hold up his arm so it’s bent at the elbow, then bump his knuckles with my fist.  “That’s what’s up.  Strength among whores.”

He rubs his eyes with a thumb and forefinger, squinching them shut in Beat-Your-Face irritation.  “That’s…that’s not…no one says that.”

“Well they damn well should.”  I look past his shoulder, at a beautiful Elf warrior observing the proceedings.  “Arwen, right?”  I shoot her pistol fingers, then hook my thumbs together and flap my hands (no one has cell phones, so instead of miming “call me,” they mime, “messenger-pigeon me.”)

Arwen giggles and responds with a flirty messenger-pigeon of her own.  I bite my bottom lip in triumph and pump my fist.  OH yeah! 

“That’s enough.”  Aragorn grabs my lapels.  “You think you can just—”

I can’t strip his grips; he’s way too strong.  “Hands off, you primitive screwhead!”  (Yes, that’s a pull from Army of Darkness.  Hail to the king, baby.)

“You have trod on the last of my vanishing patience.”  He nods at a dude from his ranger-goon entourage.  “Ready the shackles.”

Fuck.  THIS.  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Gollum jumps out of a spacetime portal, without his customary nasty-ass loincloth.  His twisted erection is pretty horrific–it looks like a chunk of extra knotty ginger, all bulgy and angled in erratic directions. 

“What devilry is this???”  Aragorn turns toward the bricked up cave dweller. 

I chuckle maliciously.  “Look at how spry he is—come on, you can’t tell me he wasn’t designed for spider-monkey-style fucking.  You’re on the tall side, so…”

“No.”  Horror dawns in the douche-king’s gaze.  “NO!  Don’t you dare try and—”

Too late.  Gollum soars through the air, grabbing Aragorn’s skull like an alien face-hugger.  As the little guy starts pumping away, I wince in sympathy.  No judgment, but troglodyte dick just isn’t my thing. 

I was fully engrossed by the unfolding drama, so I didn’t notice Arwen sidling up to my side.  She gives me a nudge and a sneaky-quick crotch-grope.  “May I partake of your services?”  Her eyes flash with frisky mischief.

I respond with a mock-serious, man’s-gotta-do-what-a-man’s-gotta do expression.  “Thy wish be done.  Let us away from this merger between face and wiener (quite vigorous, if I might add), and set things a-right with some hip-slapping boffing.”

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Are you living peacefully in a magical realm, only to have some douchebag warrior-king flex his nuts while you’re trying to mind your own damn business?  Never fear!  Buy my books and widen out his gob with a cave-dweller’s misshapen, centuries-old genitalia!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

I used to be a world-renowned, award-winning Man Whore.  Now I’ve got ear-hairs, liver spots, and a pathetic scraggle of snowy white pubes.  Yeah, my wiener hasn’t shrunk (still wraps around my thigh and tucks into my sock) but it never gets to a hundred percent.  Even the finest milf-porn won’t do the trick; I haven’t experienced a raging upcurve in well over a decade.  Jerking off is a sad affair, like playing pool with a greasy jump-rope.

I stare at the withered old codger in my bathroom mirror.  Time passes so damn fast.  One day your dick is in sky-high demand, wearing sunglasses at night and getting comped for bottle service, the next it’s getting ridiculed by TikToking youngsters. 

I look down and stare at my raison d’être, my ride or die, my phallic best friend who could’ve starred beside me in a witty buddy cop movie.  “I should’ve paid more attention,” I whisper.  “I was too busy booking you for thirsty holes, always striving for illusory treasure…a number in a bank account that doesn’t mean shit.  But you were always here, in the crotch of my pants—the real treasure was the friend I had with me, all along the way.”

Wiener coughs weakly.  I lift him up in my hands.  “What is it?  Do you need any—”

Then his dicklips start moving:  “ ‘And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon…’ ”

I can’t hear the rest; I’m ugly-crying harder than Will fucking Ferrell at his mid-2000s best.  After five straight minutes of snot-garbled sobs, it occurs to me that this can’t be my fate.  There’s no way—entropy can suck my unshaven ass.

I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

BRRZT

Something metallic is on my head, covering my eyes with a wrap-around visor.  I knew it!  Someone trapped me in a virtual reality, like a shittier knockoff of the already shitty, fourth-movie Matrix!  I’m not old—I’m in the prime of my panty-dropping LIFE! 

As I grab the sides and lift it up, I hear panicked gibbering all around me.  “He’s awake!” and, “How the fuck did—” followed by, “Seize him, you fools!” and, although it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, this wouldn’t be complete without some rando yelling, “HE’S JUST ONE MAN, DAMMIT!”

I’m in some kind of lab, staffed by a gaggle of blithering douche-bros.  As they bolt for the door, one of them smacks an alarm, causing the overhead lights to immediately shut off.  Flashing red glare and blaring sirens take their place. 

“Hey!  HEY!”  I rip off my restraints, tackle a douche-bro, and slam him onto a nearby desk.  “What the FUCK is all this?”

“We can’t compete with you!”  He gestures furiously at math-filled whiteboards, volumes of meticulously documented research, and ominously lit, freon-cooled memory banks.  “We’ve been trying to find the g-spot for decades!  We’ve built sentient AI, mounted expeditions into hollow Earth, consulted with ancient yogis and mystical holy men—WE STILL CAN’T FIND IT!  Our only option is to take you out of the equation!”

I release his lapels.  “Well yeah—of course you can’t find it.  My dick curves upward.  It’s like a g-spot-seeking missile.”

“I KNOW!” he bellows.

“And yours is…well I can tell by looking at you, it’s straight-up pathetic.”

“I know,” he sobs.  He drops to his knees and starts blubbering into his hands. 

“I mean…as long as you know.”  I rub the back of my neck and clear my throat.  “Have fun with…”  I cast a quick look around, “Your g-spot war-room, or whatever this is.” 

As I exit the lab, his weeping subsides.  So I poke my head in and remind him, “It’s pathetic.”  Which causes him to burst into a fresh round of sobs.

That’s what you get for entangling me in a VR hellscape!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have orgasmically inept, frat-bro haters tried to imprison you in a nefarious simulation?  Never fear!  Buy my books, escape from their trap, and remind them all of their pitifully insufficient genitalia!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing