“YOU’VE BEEN DOING GOOD, KENT,” the Big Guy booms. “WRITING NOVELS AND CAPITALIZING ON YOUR TALENT, JUST AS I INTENDED. I SHALL GRANT YOU A SINGLE WISH. SPEAK IT, AND IT SHALL BE.”
I clench both fists and tense with excitement. “Quintuple my penis leng—”
He interrupts with the psychic equivalent of holding out a hand. “EVERY GUY ASKS FOR THAT. YOURS IS ALREADY BIG ENOUGH, PLUS IT’S THICK AND ENDOWED WITH A LUSCIOUS UPCURVE. LOOK ON REDDIT—DESPITE WHAT YOU THINK, IT CAN GET TO A POINT WHERE YOU HAVE TO SLOW DOWN. NO MORE POUND TOWN.”
“Pound town? Off limits???” I recoil in horror. “No fucking WAY! Thanks for catching that!”
“I HAD TO INTERVENE. YOU’RE TOO PREDICTABLE.”
“Really? I mean…” I rub the back of my neck and hiss through my teeth. “Yeah, I guess…” Then I snap my fingers. “Ooh! Take me back to the Star Wars premiere—where the world experiences it for the very first time!”
He psychically beams me a cautious look. “I SPENT A LOT OF TIME CRAFTING THAT MOMENT. IT’S ONE OF MY FINEST.”
“I won’t fuck it up! I promise!” I put both hands together. “Please please puh-LEASE!” I sense doubt and reluctance, so I start ugly-crying like Will Ferrell at his mid-2000s best. “Ahgod PLEASE! Pretty pretty fucking PLEASE! BAAAAAA please-please-please PLEAAA—”
“ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! FUCKING HELL, WHERE’S YOUR DIGNITY???”
I wipe snot off my lip and blink away tears. “Thanks! It’s been a dream of mine since I was—”
He snaps his fingers, sending me back to the greatest premiere of all fucking time.
As soon as Obi Wan starts talking about the Force, my fellow movie-goers become stock still, drinking it all in with unblinking eyes. When he warns Vader that he’ll become unimaginably powerful, I leap up in my seat and yell, “That’s fucking RIGHT, you dickheaded monster!” People shout at me, telling me to shut the fuck up. I remember the Big Guy’s warning and quiet down. That doesn’t last. When they discover Leia in her cell, in all her sexy badass glory, I blurt, “I said got DAMN!” eliciting a chorus of groans and threats. Then, when Luke activates his targeting computer, Obi Wan gets about halfway through his iconic voiceover before I bolt to my feet and scream, “RIP HIS DICK OFF!!!” (yes, I know the Death Star doesn’t have a dick, but you get the gist of it). That’s too much for the pissed-off audience—they surge toward me in a wave of murderous hate.
Oh SHIT. I scramble and leap over chairs and bodies, making a frantic beeline for the movie theater exit. A dozen yards away from the glowing sign, they grab my legs and pin me down.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.
Time freezes, saving me from getting beaten, pegged, and quite possibly drawn and quartered. The Big Guy projects, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU, YOU MOUTHY LITTLE FUCK? THIS PREMIERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A LIFETIME HIGHLIGHT FOR EVERYONE WATCHING, NOW YOU’VE GONE AND RUINED IT WITH YOUR DUMBASS COMMENTS. STRAIGHT TO THE HOT PLACE, MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Wait, no!” I gasp. “I’ve got more books to write!”
There’s a long, angry silence.
Then: “FINE. I’VE THOUGHT OF AN APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT THAT DOESN’T REQUIRE YOUR ETERNAL DAMNATION. THREE MOVIES, KENT—THAT’S WHAT YOU MUST WATCH AS A SUBSTITUE PENANCE. BUT I SWEAR TO YOU, IF YOU FUCK THIS UP…”
“I’ll be good! I promise!!!”
He snaps his fingers, teleporting me into another theater. From the audience’s fashion sense, I can tell it’s the 90s. Hey, this isn’t so bad…there’s the Star Wars logo, the iconic score, the crawl is just starting to—
No. NO.
I’m about to watch the goddamn prequels.
I get a brief reprieve when they fight Darth Maul, but during the scene where Anakin and Padme are rolling through flowers, my body rebels against the soul-killing fuckshittery being shown on the screen. Tears run down, vomit leaks out, and my anus bubbles with unwelcome juices.
Must…not…commit…SEPPUKU…
Kent Wayne wins again…I think?
Have you ruined the greatest premiere of all fucking time? Never fear! Buy my books and barter your way out of hell into a slightly less painful fate!
Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 
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Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha 