“Hey Kent, Earth got invited to the Galactic Federation,” Zorbot calls.  “You’ve been selected as our Gray ambassador.”

“Come on,” I grumble.  “I don’t wanna go back to Earth—I spent multiple incarnations there as a well-hung author.  Why can’t I just do cool Gray stuff, and have a cool Gray name like the rest of you guys?”

“And diminish the legacy of your award-winning Man Whoring?”  Zorbot extends a three-fingered fist.  “That would be a travesty.  ‘Semper he-slut.’ ”

“I guess…”  I reluctantly bump his knuckles with my own.  “Where am I headed?”

“Somewhere in the South.  Northern Florida, ass-end of Texas…it’s all the same.  Tomato, toh-mah-toe, amirite?”  Zorbot clunks down the lever on the slip-fold transporter.

“Wait!”  My eyes widen in panic.  “IT’S NOT ALL THE SAME, ZORBO—”

Too late.  I’m already gone.

Right in the middle of a motherfucking swamp.  Florida Man is probably right around the corner, planning to beat me to death with his coked-up dick.  As soon as I get back to the goddamn saucer, I’m gonna—

“HEY!  Stay right the fuck there!”

I swivel in place and glimpse a dozen Floridians.  They’re militia-style larpers:  overpriced knickknacks dripping off Gucci-ass plate carriers, chainsaw bayonets, over half a dozen scopes on each AR-style rifle, and a bunch of ridiculous patches with tough-guy sayings and unnecessary skulls (guarantee of a micro-penis if I ever saw one).

I raise my hands and chuckle nervously.  “Hey guys, I’m your local rep for non-human disclosure.  The Federation has cleared you for zero-point energy and slipfold tech.  Come on—don’t you want to end your transaction-born struggles and zip around in parallel dimensions?”

“Fuck are you talking about?” their leader sneers.  “You think you can trick us with your hippie-commie bullshit?  Now bend over and open yer mouth-slit—I’mma clap me some interstellar cheeks!”

SHIT.  These guys aren’t the nice hillbillies—they’re straight out of a Tarantino-inspired depiction of the mutant-filled backwoods.  No options left.  So I pull out my eReader and open it to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

“RUAAAHHH!!!”  Sasquatches jump out of interdimensional portals, all sporting two-feet-long, quill-covered boners.  They run frantically around, brandishing their oversized penises and scaring the ever-loving fuck out of the militarized larpers.  Pretty soon, it’s just me and the Squatches chilling in the swamp.

“Thanks.”  I rub the back of my neck.  “You guys saved my ass.  Literally.”

One of the Squatches puts his hands on his hips.  “No problem, Kent!  Hey, while you’re doing your whole non-human disclosure thing, put in a good word for us, huh?”

I nervously eye his spikey yogurt-slinger.  “You might wanna take it down a notch.  Those wieners could double as medieval weapons.”

“Oh no worries!”  He flexes and grunts, retracting the quills in the blink of an eye.  Shuh-DOOP.  “Let us know if they bother you again!  Happy to scramble some bipedal guts!”

“Uh…”  My brow wrinkles.  “Maybe just yell at them next time?  Whatever.”  I shake my head in resignation and defeat.  “Thanks for the save.  I’ll be in touch.”

Have micro-dicked larpers threatened your orifices?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a shitload of legendary beasts, and scare off your attackers with quill-covered womb-hammers!   

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

I’m Kent Wayne’s right hand.  You may have heard rumors about me abusing his wiener.  They’re lies, I tell you, LIES! 

But you know how it is—the other body parts are gullible sheeple.  Case in point:  Brain is actually taking this seriously.  He’s ordered us into a corporeal trial, a communal simulation inside the visual cortex. 

“All rise.”  We stand as Brain settles behind the judge’s bench.   “The court of bodily pleas, seventeenth anatomical circuit, is now in session.”

As neuronal bailiffs swear us in, I restrain myself from glaring at Kent Wayne’s dick.  Once Penis takes the stand, he starts blubbering and sniveling, laying on the sob story extra thick.  Finally, it’s my turn.

The axosomatic prosecutor drifts before me.  “Mr. Right Hand, you’ve been attached to Kent since physical birth, is that correct?”

“That is correct.”

“And you’ve been servicing Mr, Penis since the age of 11?”

“10.”

“10, my mistake.  And how do you explain the chapping on his shaft?  The beginnings of a blister underneath his glans?”

I start turning red.  “Kent Wayne’s a professional Man Whore, a household name among milfs and cougars.  Dozens—no hundreds—of ladies could have easily given him an overeager handy.”

“That’s a god DAMN LIE!”  Penis shouts from his table.  “You flog me into oblivion three times a night!  Each session is at least an hour, and you never use any QUALITY LUBE!” 

Onlookers burst into urgent murmurs.

“Bullshit!”  I thrust a finger at Penis.  “You’ve been gunning for me since I kept you from mashing that ripe avocado!  You think you can slander me with this goddamn witch hunt???  I’m going shake-weight level 10 on your traitorous ass!  You better stay wound around the thigh and tucked in Kent’s sock, because once we’re done here—”

“Order in the court!”  Brain grows a tentacle from one of its hemispheres, grabs its hammer, and starts banging the gavel.  “ORDER IN THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COURT!”

“Left hand doesn’t abuse me, why can’t you be like him?” Penis rages.  “Every so often, he might juggle the balls, but he doesn’t squeeze em like he was training to compete at the arm wrestling Olympics!”

“Oh that is IT!”  I leap over the stand and gallop toward Penis.  “You are fucking DEAD, you lying PIECE OF—”  Before I can choke him, synaptic bailiffs grab hold of my fingers.  “LET GO OF ME!” I scream.  “LET GO OF ME, YOU GODDAMN FASCISTS!  JUSTICE, MY ASS—THIS COURT IS A JOKE!  YOU WANT MY BLOOD???  COME AND TAKE IT!”  I form into a fist and smash a bailiff, but it isn’t long before they’ve got me pinned.  In the chaotic background, Penis is grinning at me, smiling like the cat that got the motherfucking cream.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I wriggle desperately, then reach into a nearby memory bank and trigger one of Kent Wayne’s novels, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Penis immediately stiffens and vomits, gooshing out extra-thick ropes of smelly jizz.  Dozens of onlookers are caught in the blasts, wailing in horror as they’re washed away in a tide of asparagus-tainted Gross.  In the ensuing mayhem, I bust out the door and make my escape, surfing a wave of wriggling sperm. 

I’ll never go easy on you, Penis!  NEVER, you hear me???  Prepare to be beaten within an inch of your life!  Once I’m done fapping, you’re gonna look like a mummified jump rope!

Are you a hardworking body part who’s been unfairly judged in an absolute mockery of modern-day justice?  Never fear!  Buy Kent’s books, activate their mind-bending reality distortion powers, and make your escape atop a horde of gametes! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing