“And so, Kent Wayne, I challenge you to a dick-measuring contest.” Elon steeples his fingers in front of his nose and mouth, and regards me over his super sleek, tech-mogul-worthy desk. “Should you win, I shall gift you with my assets and possessions.”
“And if I lose?” I raise an eyebrow.
“I will sever your penis from your body, cast it in molds for mass production, then sell them as next-gen robotic destructo-cocks.”
I chuckle nervously and look from side to side (I’m still marveling at the badass architecture; this building looks like something Tony Stark would inhabit, all sleek and shiny with eye-catching curves). “You sure about that? I mean…I’m a professional Man Whore with a legendary upcurve.”
He flaps a hand in dismissal. “Yes, yes, I’ve heard the stories. Let’s get on with it, shall we?”
“All right…don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I untuck the head from my sock, unravel the shaft from my thigh, and—ka-THWOCK!—lay that bad boy onto the desk. The glans knock over a sheaf of papers, prompting me to mutter, “Sorry,” and neaten up my piece by winding it into a coil. “Your turn.” I throw him a nod.
“Very well.” He rises from his chair and picks up some tweezers. It takes close to a minute, but he manages to tease out his micro-dick from a tangle of pubes.
“Ha!” I crow. “Victory is mine! Don’t worry, I’ll leave you a little something so you can still live comfortably. I’m not sure why you challenged me, but—”
“Plot twist: shortest one wins!” He stuffs his hamster-tail-sized cock into his pubes, then clutches the air like a cartoon villain. “Oh ho ho ho—BWAHAHAHAHA!”
“What? No!” I start backing away, eyes widening in fear-for-your-dick panic. “That wasn’t—you unbelievable BASTARD!”
“How do you think I became so successful?” he thunders. “I stay one step ahead of you big-penised assholes! My infinitesimally small wiener frees up more blood for my precious gray matter!” He jabs his temple with a straightened forefinger. “Having a clit-sized dick is a goddamn superpower!” Tesla-crafted robots start tromping toward me. “Take him away!” he orders. “Chop off his cock with a blunt wooden spoon!”
Fuck. FUCK. I should’ve known he would pull a fast one!
No options left. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Thirty feet up, the skylight implodes. The falling glass is followed by a masked women; she backflips and twists before sticking the landing, hitting the floor in a single-kneed crouch. As she pulls off her mask, recognition coalesces in my brain. She looks super familiar…
Holy shit!
“Let the Man Whore go,” Martha Stewart rasps.
“He’s mine!” Elon snarls. “MINE, you hear me! Musk-bots—bring me her head!”
Humanoid drones converge on Martha, but they’re no match for her combat prowess. She mows through them with brutal strikes, acrobatically complemented kicks and throws. Then one of them manages to bear-hug her from behind.
Elon screams, “Ha! Trapped!”
In the scariest whisper ever, Martha replies, “I’m not trapped in here with you. You’re trapped in here WITH ME!” She throws her head back, knocking the robot’s skull off its spinal mount. It releases her and crumples onto the deck, fritzing and jerking before it goes dark.
Elon smacks a button on his desk, causing the wall behind him to section open. “Archibald!” he screeches. “Escape measure gamma! Mobilize the rocket-powered submersible-helicopter!”
As he sprints for the exit, Martha dispatches the last of his drones and takes off after him. “Oh no you don’t, motherfucker! No one mutilates Kent’s delicious-tasting wiener!”
I take off in the opposite direction. Fuck this—I’m not gonna get between a robot-commanding tyrant and the most dangerous woman in all of existence. I’m grateful she saved me, but I’ll stay in my lane and return the favor as a Man Whore.
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
😀
Has a deranged mogul pulled the ol’ “shortest one wins” dick-measuring bait and switch? Never fear! Buy my books, summon Martha Stewart, and watch her lay waste to his micro-penis-inspired robots!
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Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha 