Santa Claus peers through his state-of-the-art binoculars, staring intently at me as I pretend to be deep in peaceful slumber.  “I see you when you’re sleeping,” he mutters, lowering the binos and narrowing his eyes.  “I know when you’re awake.  You think you can fuck my hot-ass wife and get away with it?  Fucking piece of shit Man Whore.”

As you can tell, I’m not really sleeping.  How do I know he’s spying on me?  I bribed his elves, who accommodated by planting hidden cameras on his reindeer and sleigh.  It didn’t take much—given their hours, their wages amount to a sweatshop pittance.  This greedy mouth-breather should’ve known that underpaying your staff is a goddamn security risk.  Intelligence tradecraft 101, asshole. 

As he lands on the roof, I try not to smile.  Dude’s stealthy, I’ll give him that.  Nevertheless, the ceiling creaks softly under his weight.  Once he’s waist deep in chimney, I open my eyes and say, “Activate.”  Its retracting aperture constricts around him, snaring him within the booby-trapped opening. 

“What???”  His voices rises with panic as he realizes his folly.  “I can’t—NO!” 

Time for phase 2.  I throw on a coat, run outside, and scramble up a ladder.  Santa sees me coming and draws a pistol.  Before he can fire, I sprint up to him, kick it out of his hand, then rock him with a pair of full-bodyweight slaps. 

“FUCKER!”  He lunges to grab me, but my chimney-snare holds him tightly in place.  “HRRNNGHH!”  He braces against the lip and tries to push himself out.  No dice.  “I’ll KILL YOU!” he roars.  “I’ll gut everyone you love and MAKE YOU WATCH!”

“Santa shows his true fucking colors.”  I tsk-tsk and examine my nails.  “Not only did your wife seek me out, I had no idea who she was at the time.  Got the receipts, if you wanna—”

“I DON’T CARE!” he shouts.  “You think I got to where I am because I caved to pieces of shit like you???  Ask the Easter Bunny how I fucked him up after he tried to compete with me!  Ask the Grinch about his change of heart; it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t held a knife against his balls!  And yeah, Dr. Seuss knew—I told him I’d open his belly if he spilled the beans!  I have a network of spies and informants that rivals the C I fucking A!  You have NO IDEA who you’re fucking with!”

I scoff in disgust.  “You used to be a paragon of justice, rewarding those who were good of heart.  Now look at you:  a power-mad despot who delights in oppression.”  I shake my head.  “Time for a little karmic retribution.

I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Mrs. Claus steps out from an interdimensional portal, wearing knee-high boots and an easy-access skirt.  She looks hot as fuck (I guess that’s a side benefit of hitting the gym and laying off the murder).  “Plan still the same?”  She raises an eyebrow.  “Cum on his sleigh and shit on his reins?”

“Let’s do it.”  I respond with a nod.

As we saunter over to his sleigh, Santa reaches out and shrieks.  “No!  Honeybun, NO!!!”

She sticks out her booty and grabs the rails.  I pull down my pants, giving him an eyeful of my bare hairy ass, and gradually build up to a hip-slapping shlorp.  Once I’m at a full-speed jackhammer, I throw him a shit-eating grin over my shoulder, along with a one-handed hang-loose shaka (I’d give him a two-hander, but I gotta grip Mrs. Claus with my other hand so I can maintain my rhythm). 

Santa’s howl is music to my ears.  HEH heh heh! 

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Have you run afoul of a power-corrupted, evil-ass Santa?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Mrs. Claus, and enact your soul-eviscerating revenge!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“You really need me for this?” I ask nervously.  “Isn’t this between you and Neo?”

“Come on.”  Trinity impatiently tugs at my sleeve.  “He’s stared so far up his metaphysical asshole, he’s completely lost touch with corporeal humanity.  All he says is ‘Whoa,’ while binge-watching Ancient Fucking Aliens.  I’m giving him an ultimatum:  I need some dick, or I’m gonna commit seppuku with a crusty ol’ dildo.”

I reflexively wince.  “Couldn’t you do it with something less—”

“That’s the problem with you soft-ass millennials!” she barks.  “Always on your phones, trynna discover new ways to eat someone’s butthole!”

Before I can ask her to clarify the connection between seppuku and analingus, she shoves me into the room with The One.  Just like she said, he’s staring intently at a glowing screen, periodically muttering “Whoa,” under his breath. 

“Here’s the deal!” Trinity snarls.  “Peel yourself away from these stupid-ass shows, or I’m gonna help myself to a piece of this award-winning Man Whore!”  She swings her arm back with golf-driver force, then pitches it forward into my unguarded buttocks.  I stiffen and blurt out a bitch-made “EEP!”

Neo looks disinterestedly at her, then back at the television, punctuating his nonchalance with an indifferent yet predictable, “Whoa.”

“That is IT!” she rages.  “You wanna test me, fucker??”  She unzips my fly and yanks on my dick-root, uncoiling my piece from around my thigh and whipping it out so it flops back and forth between my shins.  “Feast your eyes!  Makes your shit look like a frost-bitten pimple!”

Neo retracts, clawing backward on the sofa with his palms and heels.  “Whoa—WHOA!  No!  Dear God, NO!!!”

“Forget it,” she flaps a hand at him.  “I’mma have me a piece of this upcurve.”  She hefts my glans, appraising it as if it were a perfectly marbled slab of wagyu.  “Look at this thing!  Ah said Gyatt DAMN!”

“Um…”  I hiss nervously through my teeth and glance at Neo; he’s looking me up and down with hatred and disgust.  “Nothing personal, it’s just part of my job…”

Without letting up on his murder-filled gaze, The One deliberately waves his arms and his hands, then settles into a wide-legged stance.  FUCK.  He’s gonna tear me apart and shit on my corpse. 

Fuck it.  No options left.  I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A panoply of holograms blink into existence, surrounding him in scenes from his fourth shitty movie.  His typically blank face blanks even more, then he drops to his knees and starts sobbing into his hands.  “You’re right!” he wails.  “It’s shit—IT’S SHIT!!” 

“Should’ve stopped with the first one,” Trinity agrees.  “Come on, he-trollop.”  She meets my eyes and jerks her chin.  “Time for a…what do you call it?  A ‘widening?’  Kinda gross, but it’s also cute in a mischievous kind of way.  Let’s go.”

Can’t say no to a hot AF milf.  I let her lead me out the door, hand around my wrist.  Before Neo disappears from view, I can’t help but throw him a shit-eating grin and say, “Whoaaaaa,” with the same tone I’d use with a self-satisfied “Yeaaaahhhh….”  The One throws his head back, ugly-crying harder than Will fucking Ferrell at his mid-2000s best. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Is Neo trying to whoop your ass because his significant other is lusting after your delectable nether bits?  Never fear!  Buy my books and defeat him with his latest cinematic misstep!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing