I unlock my condo and step inside.  “Holy shit—ELON MUSK???”  His pants are down around his ankles, exposing his pimply, sun-deprived ass.  He clenches his fists, squinches his face, and—

“HNNNGHHH!”

Bill Gates’ head pops out from his butthole.  He takes a quick look around, meets my eyes, and screeches, “No, Elon NO!  I’ve been spotted by a Poor!”

Shloop!  Bill retracts into Elon’s colon.  “What the FUCK?” I sputter.  “What’re you—”

“Testing new tech,” Elon explains.  “A marsupial-derived human cache, capable of compressing and transporting an average adult male.  All while keeping them conscious and interactive, courtesy of a LifeShare reality interface.”

“You replaced your ass with a mutant kangaroo pouch???”

He inspects his nails.  “Your verbiage is crude, but essentially, yes.  Every now and then, Bill and I tour the homes of Poors, to experience a bit of vicarious thrill.  Additionally, I enjoy the feeling of anal retention, while he enjoys residing in the safety of my innards.  As you can see, my rectally stored friend is a tad bit shy.”

“That’s…”  My brow crinkles in puzzlement and disgust.  “Why would you…”

He raises an open-palmed hand.  “Judgmental peasant.  Your lack of understanding is sad and predictable.”  He points his arm at me.  It begins unfolding into a glowing spinning barrel.  “I’m feeling rather murderous today.  Don’t take it personally.” 

Bill’s head pops out again.  He shoots me a batshit lunatic grin.  “Yes, YES!  This is my favorite fucking part!”

Elon’s gun-arm begins spinning faster, glowing with fraying red-orange light.  FUCK.  I’m probably gonna explode, like one of those disposable goons in District 9.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Naked Jeff Bezos charges into my condo, spear-tackling Elon and wrestling with his ass-cheeks.  “This is MY tech, motherfucker!  Gates is MY ass-supial!”

“What?  No!” Elon snarls.  “You fool!  You have to deactivate the sphincter-lock or—HRRRRAAAAAAHHH!”

Bezos, shoulder-deep in Elon’s butthole, twists his body in a vicious yank that would start any lawnmower known to man, regardless of age or disrepair.  Elon screams as Bill shlorps out, followed by a mess of vital organs. 

“Finally!” Bezos shouts.  “You can run but you can’t hide!”  He positions his bare naked ass on the Microsoft founder’s head.  “This is your HOME!  Are you too good for your home???  ANSWER ME!” 

Bill manages a frightened squeal before Jeff sucks him into his human cache.  I run out of my condo, torn between laughing, crying, and vomiting/panic-shitting.  I’m still trying to process what I just saw.

Well, one thing’s for sure:  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a supervillain mogul broken into your home, given you a disgusting peek at his human-cached buddy, then threatened you with his spinny glowy high-tech gun-arm?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a billionaire rival, and have him rip your assailant’s organs out through his nether-hole!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“AAGGH!  PHBBBT!”  I bang my head against Taylor Swift’s desk as she blasts my eye with high-pressure squizz (squirt-jizz).  She doesn’t notice—she’s lost in ecstasy due to my Man Whore ministrations.

“Ow…”  I back out of the desk and rise to my feet, rubbing the goose-egg on my skull.  “You could’ve warned me.”

She flaps a hand in dismissal.  “I pay extra for injuries.  You don’t want a five grand bonus?”

“I mean…”  I respond with a shrug and a smile.  “You got me there.”

She straightens her skirt.  As she walks briskly past, she squeezes my ass, fingers all up in the crack and the hole.  It makes me jump and reflexively squeal. 

“That’s what I thought, you sexy fucking trollop.”  She throws me a smirk as she clops across the office.  “See my assistant—she’ll cut you a check.”

I rub the back of my neck, mulling whether or not I should voice my concern.  The money’s good, but I’ve been doing this for years, and I’d like some emotional connection every now and—

Travis Kelce barges in.  “WHAT THE FUCK?”  He levels a gigantic sausage finger right at my face.  “THIS GUY?  YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???”

Taylor, still in boss mode, states in a matter-of-fact tone: “His girth and upcurve place him head and shoulders above your unimaginative, cro-mag rut-fucking.  Additionally, he sucks in air to sensitize my skin, which translates to grade-A cunnilin—”  she clears her throat as the gravity of the situation catches up to her.  “Honey…” she cradles her eyes in her thumb and her forefinger.  “Can we talk about this later?  Don’t you have a chest to bump or a ball to throw?  Why don’t you go chant USA, USA with your oversized friends?”

“FUCK NO!” he roars.  His nostrils flare as he shoots me a death-stare.  “I’MMA SHOVE MY HAND UP YOUR ASS TO THE GODDAMN SHOULDER, THEN WORK YOUR MOUTH LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING PUPPET!  RUAAAAHHH!!!”  Veins bulge from his neander-fuck forehead.

Mother.  Of.  GOD.  He’s gonna eat my skull like a red delicious apple!  No options left.  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Jake, Tom, Harry, Joe, and the rest of Taylor’s exes jump out from portals, piling on Travis and pinning him to the floor.  In the blink of an eye, they beat his ass down with a shitstorm of punches and rib-splitting kicks. 

“Where you going?”  Gyllenhaal pisses in Travis’s face.  “You goin’ NOWHERE!  Kent’s the chosen one now—fuck outta here with your cornfed ass!”

“AAAGH!  PHHBBT!!!”  Travis squints and turns away, but to no avail.  Jake’s piss-stream is far too strong.

Taylor shooes me off.  “Go, you idiot!  I’ll call you later!”

“Right!”  I whip out my peen as I run for the door and—Olé!—smack Travis across the face with the ponderous glans. 

As I sprint through the hall, Tom Hiddleston crows with laughter.  “Mushroom stamp—nice!”

That’s what you get, Travis, for trynna interfere with my Man Whore bid’ness!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a gigantimous meathead interfered with your trolloping duties?  Never fear!  Buy my books, bathe him in pee, then mushroom-stamp him right in the motherfucking FACE! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing