Goddamn, I’ve never eaten a ghost pepper burrito!  “Sorry guys.”  I pat my belly, then spread my legs and address my butthole.  “I’ll make it up to you later.”

OM NOM NOM GALUMPH!  Down the hatch it goes!  Woof, that is a LOT of food.  I fold my arms on top of my desk and bury my head inside my elbows.  Gonna take a little nap and let that settle….

***SEVERAL HOURS LATER…***

“Kent!  Wake up, you fuckwit!” 

I snap up from my desk.  The President is shining from my laptop, boring into my eyes with a furious glare.

“Huh?  Whuh?” 

“Wipe the drool off, you Neander-fuck mouth breather!  The nerds in DARPA say you’ve triggered an  extinction-level event!”

I swipe my hand across my lips, cutting a strand of saliva that leads from my face to a little blob atop my desk.  “What are you talking about.  All I did was eat a—”

BLUBLUBBLUBBBBBBBLLLUUUURGGLE

I look down at my stomach in abject horror.

“Mother of God,” I whisper.

“That’s right, dickhead!  You’re about to wipe out the western seaboard!  Listen, there’s a level five bomb shelter a mile from your condo.  Agents are coming for you as we speak.  They’ll transport you to the shelter and seal you inside.  Don’t worry, you’ll survive.  Everyone knows they can’t be hurt by their own brand, so—”

“HGGGKK!”  I clutch my belly as sweat springs out across my brow.  “I can feel it inside me…like an evil honey badger that took a shitload of meth.  Ah God!”  I wince and curl inward.  “My asshole’s dilating—I can feel it crowning!”

A four-star general leans in to the camera.  “Listen, son, you need to control your pain through Lamaze-style breathing.  It’s the only way to—”

The door busts open.  Federal agents pour into my condo.  “Kent Wayne, we’re here to help!”  The team leader extends a hand.  “Don’t worry, just keep it contained until—”

Tears of blood leak down my cheeks.  “It’s too late.  Find some cover while you still can.”

“Bombers inbound,” the President declares.  “I’m sorry, Kent, we just can’t risk it.”  My screen goes dark. 

The agents look up as the scream of jets grows in our ears.  One of them dials his family and says heartfelt goodbyes to his wife and daughter.  The others face each other, shake hands, and state it was an honor to serve with you.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Time and space bend and warp, sending my essence back to the exact moment that past-Kent was about to eat the burrito.  I’ve been stripped down to an ephemeral spirit, but if I focus my will….

HRRRGHHH

Yes!  I fill past-Kent’s laptop with clips from MyFriendsHotMom dot com, distracting him from the weapon of mass destruction he’s about to shove in his gob.

“Hot damn!” he exclaims.  “The burrito can wait!”

While he’s jerking it, I use my astral-kinesis to dissolve the burrito at a molecular level, rendering it into a puddle of goo.  WHEW!  Crisis averted! 

😀

Has your ass turned into an engine of apocalyptic wrath?  Never fear!  Buy my books, go back in time, and use astral-kinesis to save the day! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“What the FUCK?”  Timothy Chalamet shoves me with both hands, causing me to stumble a few steps back.  “Why the fuck are you even here???  This is reserved for top-shelf Man Whores!”  He flings an outraged arm, encompassing the entirety of the cruise ship.  Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling, the Hemsworth brothers, and a bunch of other heartthrobs give me an evil-ass stink eye.

“You better back the fuck off, ratface.”  I level a finger at his unnaturally skinny mug.  “You don’t know what the fuck I’ve done to get on your stupid-ass ship.”

“Yeah?” he sneers.  “What have you done, asshole?”  He raises his voice, addressing the rest of his Man Whore compatriots.  “This nothingburger thinks he’s world class dick!  Newsflash, my guy.”  He leans in like a stereotypical villain/bully.  “Nobody knows who the fuck you are.” 

“I don’t have to prove myself to you.”  I cross my arms.  “But since you’re interested…”

***TWENTY YEARS PRIOR, WHEN I WAS JUST ANOTHER NO-NAME BIG-DICKED DUDE…***

“How are you feeling, Kent?”  Dr. Turner looks up from his clipboard.  Light reflects off his thick-lensed glasses, turning his eyes into glaring headlights. 

“Could you get your assistants to loosen these straps?”  I force a nervous laugh.  “This feels like the intro to a sci-fi horror movie.”  I flex my arms, but no dice.  They’re bound by thick leather bands, riveted into the cold steel table.  Same with my head—it’s trapped inside a thick notched restraint, fitted to a sterilized cranial sheath.

“I’m sorry, Kent, but we can’t risk you losing control.  The power unleashed will be nigh unthinkable.”

I close my eyes and whisper a prayer.  “Do it.”

Servos whine and snap into place.  IVs glow with neon blue fluid, filling my veins with cosmic energy.  The overhead lights flicker and whine, then burst into fountains of bright yellow sparks.

“SHUT IT OFF!” Turner hollers.  “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT IT—”  I can’t hear the rest, I’m screaming too damn loud. 

“NYAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!”

Then it all goes dark.

***BACK TO PRESENT DAY…***

Chalamet snorts in disbelief.  “They made your cum taste like CINNABON GLAZE?  Are you fucking KIDDING ME???” 

“It’s true,” Chris Hemsworth affirms.  “I’ve seen the reports.  Years of data, supported by multiple standard deviations that exceed statistical significance by an order of magnitude.”

There’s a hanging moment of weighty silence.

“But…”  Chalamet sags and clutches his head.  “If that’s true…”

“We can’t compete.”  Brad Pitt saunters forward, twirling a machete from side to side.  “If God existed, that’s exactly how it would taste.  Kent’s made us all obsolete.”

Gosling points and snarls, “GET HIM!”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My ankle-length wiener springs from my sock and rips through my pants, expanding to a Godzilla-sized tower of flesh.  As it roars into the full moon sky, the air goes blurry, and the boat sloshes violently back and forth. 

The other Man Whores turn and run, but my wiener slashes downward, crushing Robert Pattinson, Chris Evans, and dozens of heartthrobs in a single blow.  As it raises up again, I see their pulverized bodies dotting its veiny underside.  Jason Momoa, whose lower body has been mashed into paste, croaks, “Killlll meeee,” before it comes down again, shattering steel and planking along with clusters of Man Whores. 

It snakes through their ranks, entangling scores of pop culture hunks, squeezing them like an x-rated oversized boa constrictor.  Harry Styles grimaces, baring his teeth before his eyes go red, and then pop right out of his overpressured skull.  At the same time, his head cranes back and a fountain of blood shoots from his wide-open mouth.  One by one, the others follow suit, marring the starry night sky with jets of ichor intermingled with organs.

That’s what you get, fuckholes, for hating on my Cinnabon-spurting upcurving dick!  Kent Wayne wins again! 

😀

Have you volunteered for a cutting-edge experiment that’s made your cum taste like everyone wants it to taste, and now a bunch of hating-ass he-trollops are trying to kill you because you’re a goddamn sexual threat?  Never fear!  Buy my books, make your wiener into a Cthulu-rivaling destroyer of men and empires, and beat those fuckers into bloody-pulped oblivion! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing