“And so, Kent Wayne, on all 3,874,932 grammar violations, as well as the crime of peeing in the shower, we find you…GUILTY!”  Predictably, the entire courtroom (also comprised of narrow-penised Grammar Nazis), erupts in raucous jeers and hurrahs. 

“We all pee in the shower!” I rage.  “WE ALL DO IT!”

The courtroom breaks out in excited murmurs.  After a moment of energized debate, the judge bangs his gavel.  “Order in the court!”

Everyone quiets down.

“Fine.”  He points his gavel right at my mug.  “You have a point.  However, that doesn’t negate the fact that you’ve shat on the foundation of society and literature.”

“You mean GRAMMAR?”  An ugly caw erupts from my lips.  “People like my writing because it makes them FEEL!  How long since you felt a goddamn thing, aside from the pedantic satisfaction of red-inking soulless essays, in a back-and-forth game of ‘gotcha’ where your ultimate goal is to arrive at ‘I told you so?’  You pencil-dicked piece of finger-wagging—”

The jawline-devoid judge slams his gavel against the block, hitting it so damn hard that it jumps around like an electrified limb.  “Order in the court!  ORDER IN THE COURT!”  His lips tremble as he points at me again.  “I sentence you, Kent Wayne, to a torture-enforced session of correcting grammar-faulty essays.  Once you have lost all love of writing, the court shall proceed with public castration and grotesque execution, whereupon you will be pummeled to death with your own freakishly prothagonous genitalia.  Bailiff, take him away!”

“What?  No!”  I thrash in place, ripping free of my cuffs.  “You want my blood?  COME AND TAKE IT!  RUAAAAHHHH!!!” 

Grammar Nazis charge in human waves, swamping me with a sea of muscle-tone-deprived bodies.  I hip-toss one, grab another by the neck and slam him to the ground with an old-school DDT, then immediately squirt up and start throwing hands.  Jab cross hook, buckle a leg, clinch and knee, then soccer-punt a couple of them right in the nuts.  That’s a mistake—these fuckers have little to no testicular mass; their scrotums are as empty as their black-hearted souls. 

“Ha!” one of them snarls.  “Didn’t factor in our lack of balls, did ya?”

I blurt, “You got me there, I really didn’—” before they dogpile my ass and force me to the ground.  Mother of FUCK!

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My dick untucks from my sock, unwinds from around my thigh, and rips free of my pants.  It thrashes to and fro, chucking Grammar Nazis off me and flinging them into the walls and ceiling.  I rise and level my wiener at the horde, hefting it by my waist like a super-veiny firehose. 

The lead Grammar Nazi extends his arms, hands out in a placating gesture.  “Just…just calm down, Kent.  We can still—” 

“Hope you like your cum like I like my peanut butter,” I rasp.

He goes blank with surprise.  “What?”

“Chunky.” 

With that declaration, I envelop my enemies in the foulest ejaculate you could ever imagine.  A bunch of them wail and stumble around, coughing up organs and screaming in disgust.  Others get launched through courtroom walls, breaking apart studs and crumbly drywall.  Several try and flee through a door, but I turn the hose on em and they pile up against it, unable to move because of the pressure.  After a couple seconds of screaming and begging, I increase the flow, forcing the wood to buckle, break, and give way to a deluge of Grammar Nazi assholes, carried on a tsunami-strength tide of Sheer Fucking Gross. 

Kill me if you want, but make it quick you sadistic fucks—don’t inundate me with a bunch of grammar-correcting bullshit.  Otherwise, get ready to reap the smelly-cummed whirlwind!

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Have you been sentenced to castration and death by an entire courtroom of narrow-penised fools?  Never fear!  Buy my books, magically weaponize your gorgeous genitals, and inundate them with a flood of putrid-ass gametes! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Occasionally, I’ll spot an article that details “the hardest jobs in the world,” and break out in despairing maniacal laughter.  I’m what passes for Kent Wayne’s brain—a literal hamster on a wheel that’ll live off cocaine if it ever becomes a viable option. 

You may be asking what’s so hard about my job.  Run on the wheel, flick a few dials, check out the monitors, and work that suspicious-looking pump in the far-right corner, the one that mysteriously appeared on Kent’s tenth birthday.  (What does it do?  I don’t have a clue.  But I pump that fucker on a daily basis, because I have no idea what’ll happen if I stop.)

Anyways, I digress.  The hardest part about being a brain hamster is—

“REEE!  REEE!  REEE!”  Red-light alarms begin flashing and wailing.  An automated voice declares, “KENT WAYNE’S PENIS IS STAGING A COUP.”

“Mother of FUCK!”  I scramble off my wheel and start swiping the air, conjuring a bevy of holographic layouts.  Data and imagery stream and combine, cueing me into Kent’s vitals and thought processes.

His penis curls up and points at his eyeball, filling a monitor with its giant dick-slit.  “You’ve lost, brain hamster!  I’m about to push Kent’s success rate past 70%, simply by texting my glorious veinage and girthy upcurve!  Enough of your ineffective conversational wiles—now is the winter of my discontent!”  The ocular monitors shift to a dating app, where Kent is swiping right like crazy.  It’s not really him—his consciousness is still deep in REM—it’s his traitorous fucking peen.

“No, you fool!”  I flick dozens of fail-safes, inundating Wiener with hormonal commands.  No dice—somehow, he’s locked me out of the parasympathetic bio-net.  “You don’t know how to finesse a woman!  They don’t appreciate a dick-pic until AFTER you’ve passed the safety check, made them laugh, and convinced them you’re not a drooling moron!  You can’t just—”

“Save it, brain rat!”  Wiener chortles like a cartoon villain.  “I’m gonna drown in mouths and vajeens!  MUAHAHAHA!” 

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Every boner-killing construct in the history of Kent Wayne—oatmeal raisin cookies, culture wars, Karens, deep dish pizza—hits my womb-hammer all at once.  Wiener screams, “No—NOOOOOOO!!!!”  The coup de grace is Kent’s ex Irma Horfendorff, beamed into Wiener’s mind as a finger-wagging hologram.  She mercilessly berates him, screeching for more jewelry fashioned from diamonds.  He argues back with vehement force, insisting the Kimberley Process is a motherfucking joke—even if a clean one is mined from the earth, it still encourages mass exploitation because 90% of them are refined in Surat, where horrific working conditions make them into the equivalent of an actual fucking blood diamond.  It has no effect.  She raises her voice to a high-pitched keen, a glass-shattering frequency that makes his frenulum ripple and flare like the frill on the Dilophosaurus that ate Dennis fucking Nedry.  An agonized scream erupts from his dick-lips, harmonizing with her shriek in a dual-toned deluge of rage and pain.  At the same time, the air around him blurs and warps—her sonic attack could bring down armies, change the course of history, and banish Astaroth back to the Void. 

When it’s all said and done, he sags limply onto my balls, wreathed in smoke and moaning in agony.  After a second, he slowly turtles backward into the root, until he resembles a miniature pig in the blanket.

Ha!  That’s what you get, fuckwad, for throwing a coup against your betters! 

Kent Wayne’s Brain Hamster wins again!

😀

Have your genitals overridden your hardworking brain hamster, and steered you onto the path of romantic catastrophe?  Never fear!  Buy my books, magically barrage them with anti-sex frequencies, and put them in their goddamn place!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing