“Lorax!  What’s wrong?”  I hurry over to the spherical Seuss-being, right as he snorts coke off a petrified tree-stump.

“Leave me alone!” he barks.  “What the fuck do you know about speaking for the trees?  I used to have free fucking reign of these motherfucking forests—now they’re filled with special ops larpers!  Everywhere I look, it’s chainsaw-bayonets, out-of-context tattoos of Constitutional quotes, and rifles that weigh like fifty fucking pounds because they’re fitted with a shit-ton of unnecessary scopes!”

I look to either side.  “I mean…we are in north Florida…”

“Don’t remind me.”  He taps a fat line of coke onto the stump, then snorfs it up and bellows, “I said got-DAMN!” 

Before I can reply, someone yells, “Hey!  HEY!”

We both turn in place, locking eyes with a platoon of out-of-shape guys, the exact same folks that Lorax was complaining about.  They’re festooned with gear, enough to outfit a dozen military surplus stores. 

“Easy.”  I raise my hands.  “We were just about to—”

“Get fucked up the ass?”  Their leader glances at his fellow larpers.  They all bust out in evil chuckles.  “You wandered into the wrong neck of the woods—we make Tarantino-written perverts look like goddamn altar boys.”

The guy to his right yells, “I call dibs on the sexy Chinese!”

I clear my throat.  “Korean-American, actuall—”

He fires back with, “Don’t go messing with my damn intellectual!”

The Lorax flips them off and snarls, “Fuck you and your thimble-sized dicks!”  Then he takes off running, right as they unleash a shitstorm of metal. 

“FUCK!”  I hunch and sprint, following in the steps of the furry little creature.  It’s the one and only time that I wish I was shorter—anything to help me avoid getting shot.

He slides behind a tree, grabs a pre-staged machine gun, then rises to a knee and starts blasting away.  “RUAAAAHHHH!!!  YOU WANT MY BLOOD???  COME AND TAKE IT, YOU BACKWOODS HEATHENS!”

I drop to my belly and flatten myself out.  The Lorax may be packing some oomph, but it’s jack fucking shit next to dozens of folks who can shoot from multiple angles, and keep us pinned while cutting off our options.  Plus, it’s only a matter of time before they start chucking some of the grenades I saw hanging off their kit.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

A chopper whup-whup-whups overhead.  Seconds later, a figure clad entirely in denim aside from his cut-off sleeves, rockets through the overhead canopy—“eeeeeeEEEEHHH HOOOOOOO!!!”—and lands in a classic superhero crouch. 

Holy shit—it’s Chuck fucking Norris!

My excitement doesn’t last.  A grenade explodes right by his feet. 

“CHUCK!”  I low-crawl over and roll him onto his back.

He sputters and gasps, then swears in frustration.  “Devious bastards!  They figgered out my secret weakness—took me down with a grenade to the dick!” 

“Uh…”  I give him a quizzical look.  “I think that qualifies as a lot of peoples’ weakness.  Not so secret, either.”

He glances at his crotch.  “Fuck me—it looks like a goddamn frito pie!  I’m sorry, Kent.”  He shakes his head and hisses through his teeth.  “Chuck done gone and shit the action hero bed!”

Despair bubbles through my gut.  Then it hits me:

I know exactly what to say.

“Chuck, John Wayne’s first name—it wasn’t actually John.”

His eyes go wide.  “Whut?”

“It was…Marion.”

“THE FUCK YOU SAY!” 

The veins on his eyeballs redden and bulge, then he jumps to his feet and charges straight at the larpers.  They start screaming stuff like, “Game over, man—game over!”  And, “He’s fucking everywhere, I can’t—HKKK!” And, who could forget, “He’s just one man, dammit!” 

Chuck kicks a head clean off its neck.  It ricochets off several larpers and breaks their skulls into pulpy fragments, then rockets through a gunman’s torso and leaves a bowling ball-sized hole in the middle of his chest.  After a flurry of Mortal Kombat-worthy fatalities, Chuck reverts to a tried and true classic:  he rips a pair of arms off, then whoops ass with the stumps like a rabid gorilla. 

I watch the carnage in abject horror.  The Lorax nudges me and chuckles with glee.  “Beautiful, isn’t it?  Damn, I wish I had me a wiener—I’d give these degenerates a taste of their own medicine!”

My brow wrinkles in disgust.  “That…is an image I’m going to work like hell to try and forget.”

“Whatever.  Pussy.”  He goes back to admiring demon-brute Norris.

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Have you stumbled onto a firefight between larpers and the Lorax?  Never fear!  Buy my books, Chuck Norris, infuse him with demonic rage by inflicting the macho equivalent of telling a kid that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, then watch him go to town on your would-be murderers!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Hey Kent.”  Yoda floats over and claps me on the shoulder.  “Good to see you as a fellow Force Ghost.  How was the transition?  Not too rough?”  Obi Wan and Qui-Gon float up behind him. 

“Nope.  It was damn near perfect.  I was jerking it to myfriendshotmom dot com.  Right before I bust, I see this bright white light—”

“Jesus.”  Yoda holds up a hand.  “Please—I don’t need to hear the unsavory details.” 

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan chuckles and nudges Qui-Gon.  “See?  Told you.  Noble death my ass—guy was destined to croak with his dick in his hand.”  Qui-Gon waves him off and grumbles discontentedly under his breath.

“Your speech…why are you talking like a regular person?”  I peer at Yoda.  “Everything cool?”

“Oh that.”  He stacks his hands on his staff, chuckles, and shakes his head.  “The voice you know isn’t organic.  Had to practice it for decades on end.”

“Why?”

“Luke’s a moron.  If I didn’t talk like a blithering idiot, he wouldn’t have trained—he would have fingered his butthole and stared at the wall.  I mean you saw it, right?  He kissed his own sister, then turned into a bitter old fuck who lived off alien titty milk.”

“I don’t know…” I venture.  “He was pretty badass in Jabba’s palace, when he dressed all in black and rescued Han.”

“We had hope for him then,” Obi-Wan remarks.  “But what did he do afterwards?  He ditches the black, shits the bed on reconstructing the New Republic, and holes up on some godforsaken island where he cries himself to sleep while tugging his minuscule penis.  Even his voice took a turn for the worse—he went from whiny brat to legitimate badass, then declined into a whiny old fuckhole who gulps alien fucking titties.”

“Hey guys!”  Force Ghost Luke comes zipping over.  “Wanna play some games?  Let’s see who can count the most Womp Rats!  Or defective vapor generators on Tattooine moisture farms!”

“No, you bumpkin,” Qui-Gon scoffs.  “You think we’re interested in tallying rocks or trees or whatever the fuck you’re into?  Gross-ass sister-kisser.”

“Hey!” Luke brays.  “I didn’t know, OKAY???  That wasn’t my fau—”

Kenobi storms forward and levels a finger at his face.  “What about the alien titty milk?  WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAMN ALIEN FUCKING TITTY MILK???”

Luke hangs his head and stares at the ground.  His lip quivers as a single tear slips down his cheek.

“That’s what I thought,” Obi-Wan mutters, sticking his hands back in his voluminous sleeves.  “Fucking degenerate.”

Suddenly, Luke’s head snaps up.  “Oh no!  He’s back!” 

Yoda’s brow crinkles with puzzlement.  “Who?”

“The guy who made me kiss Leia before I knew she was—HURRRK!”  He clutches his throat in sudden pain.

We zero in on the source of the attack.  While we were talking, a Sith-hooded figure ambled up beneath us.  He’s extending his hand in a Dark Side grip, choking the shit out of Force Ghost Luke.

“Yes…” he hisses.  “Embrace your degeneracy.  It is…your DESTINY.”

“No,” Luke begs.  “PLEASE!”

There’s something familiar about this guy’s voice…as he pulls back his hood, it all becomes clear.

George fucking Lucas.

The other Jedi peace out and vanish.  Meanwhile, Lucas strides closer, tightening his grip on Luke’s ghostly body.  “Your foul kiss inspired George R.R. Martin—it channeled his incel-powered creativity into Game of Thrones.  That opened the way for the blatant perversion of mainstream porn.”

“Holy shit,” I whisper, “YOU’RE the reason I have to scroll past a bunch of step-sibling porn?  Ever since the 2010s…”

“Indeed,” he rasps.  “Martin was but the student—LUCAS is the master.  And now…this desert yokel shall once again trigger a new wave of filth.  Once I bend him to my will, he will drag mainstream porn into unheralded depths.  You will never again be able to enjoy your favorite site, myfriendshotmom dot com, EVER AGAI—”

“OH FUCK NO!”  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Scenes from the three shitty prequels stream into Lucas’s mind.  He stumbles around, clutching his head, wailing and shrieking like he’s being drawn and quartered.  “NO!” he bellows.  “AH GOD MAKE IT STOP!”  He yanks his robe open, drops to his knees, and pulls a dagger out of a belt-sheath. 

Before he can commit seppuku, I snatch it out of his hands.  “Nah, fucker.  Reap the fruits of your crimes against humanity.”

Just like Vader at the end of the third abysmally horrible prequel, he clutches the air and screams, “NOOOOOOOO!” and vanishes from existence.

Luke wipes his eyes, then sniffs up his gross runny boogers.  “Thanks.  Hey, you wanna go check out the Jawa scrapyard?  I hear you can put together some pretty cool droids with the stuff they’re—”

I fix him with a dead-eyed glare.  “Go back to your alien titty-milk.”

He drops his head and stares at the ground.

That’s right, dick for brains.  You failed us all after you ditched the black outfit. 

Have you been accosted by Sith Lord Lucas, who’s revealed his plans to complete his desecration of mainstream porn?  Never fear!  Buy my books, make him watch his own shitty-ass prequels, and tell Luke to fuck off back to those giant alien titties!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing