“Hey Kent, I’m the Bad Idea Fairy!” A tiny flying humanoid (he looks suspiciously like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) buzzes by me. “See that giant bubble circle? Go ahead and fart through its center!”
I glance at the bubble circle, lying in a vat of iridescent bubble fluid. “I don’t know…I just ate a ghost pepper burrito. Not really sure if that’s—”
“Do it, you pussy!” The Bad Idea Fairy pokes me in the eye (OW, FUCK!) then reaches in my nose and pulls out a shitload of unkempt hairs. (JESUS H FISTFUCKING CHRIST!) “I’ll throw in a membership to myfriendshotmom dot com.”
“You could have just led with that.” I squint at him through my pain-blurry tears. “Fine.” I pull down my shorts, position my bunghole in front of the bubble-loop, and—
BEEEOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR
“It sounds like when Gimli blew the horn in Two Towers!” I throw a panicked look at the Bad Idea Fairy. “I can’t stop! Tell me how to end this before—”
“See ya, asshole!” He gives me the finger and disappears in a twinkle.
ONE WEEK LATER…
Off in the distance, smoke rises from a dozen sites. Wailing sirens ring through the air. Marauders rummage through overturned cars. Broken windows line the streets, an ugly testament to the collapsing social contract. Hovering above it all is my unreleased fart, held in a flimsy, continent-sized bubble.
“Yeah…” I hiss through my teeth as I study the carnage from my balcony. “That didn’t end like I thought it wou—”
A Mad Max-style jeep zips through the parking lot. Cyborg-zombies pile on top, then yank the passengers out and begin gnawing on their guts. One of the cyber-zombies screams, “PRAISE ASTAROTH!” Then it looks directly at me and projectile-vomits onto my balcony.
“Jesus!” I run back in my condo before it hits.
Seconds later, a shirtless Elon descends onto my balcony, cutting the throttle on his state-of-the-art jetpack. He’s cradling Bill Gates in his left arm, Jeff Bezos in his right. Both are clad in yellow-stained tighty-whiteys, suckling Elon’s prominent teats.
“That’s enough—too much milk will make you sick.” He pops the billionaires off his jubblies. They snarl and hiss at each other. For a tense moment, I’m afraid they’ll tear each other to pieces, then Elon reaches in his fanny pack and produces two sticks of meat. “Human bacon—your favorite.” Both moguls ravage their treats, moaning in undisguised carnal-sounding pleasure.
“Uh…what the fuck?” I cautiously eye the trio of billionaires.
“I’m gonna leave them here,” Elon explains. “Then fly into that bubble and inhale that fart.”
“It’s a lotta fucking gas,” I say doubtfully. “You sure you can handle it?”
“I have experience—been huffing my own brand like there’s no tomorrow. But it isn’t enough; I need more.” His gaze shifts up and out, toward the lingering fart-bubble. “I have the weirdest boner right now.” (Nasty.) He grips his chest straps, looks me dead in the eye, and drops an old-school action-movie one-liner:
“I live for this shit.”
Ker-SHOOM!
Right before he pierces the membrane, he cuts his thrusters. Then he extends four shiny rotor-tipped arms, and switches to a high-wattage quad-copter hover. As he sucks in lungfuls of gas, his big-teated chest heaves and jiggles (gross). He’s all about it, shouting stuff like “THIS ALL YOU GOT???” And, “TASTES BETTER THAN MY STEPMOTHER’S CRACK-SEASONED ASSHOLE!!!” (What? And also: gross). Gotta give it to him, though, dude can huff a shitload of farts. At this rate, he just might—
One of his quad-rotors shudders and whines, then erupts with a fountain of hot blue sparks. Elon’s face twists with horror. “CUT ENGINE TWO! DEPLOY PARACHUTES AND QUICK-RELEASE COOLANT AT 3X PRESSU—”
KA-THOOM!!! The fart kindles, engulfing the sky in nuclear fire. Demon skulls rip through the air, trailing unholy energy as they cackle with glee. A thousand feet up, the space-time continuum shits the bed, and gives birth to a swirling interdimensional portal. In its widening rune-lined center, a gigantic hellish entity begins to emerge.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Time rewinds, to the moment before the Bad Idea Fairy drifted into my orbit. Before it can magically fly up to Past Kent Wayne, I grab it in both hands, spike it into the unforgiving floor, and rain down a shitstorm of punches and kicks.
It twitches spastically on the ground. “How…how did you…”
“Doesn’t matter.” I pull out my cock, aim the head at its mangled face, and douse it with a stream of thick forceful piss. “Ain’t no way I’m farting into another giant bubble.”
Whew! Close one! Kent Wayne wins again!
😀
Has the Bad Idea Fairy fooled you into kicking off the apocalypse? Never fear! Buy my books, use their reality-bending powers to rewind time, then stop that fucker before it all goes to shit!
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Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha 