Taylor Swift reclines on her lizard-skin sofa, holding a glass of whale-sperm wine.  “You’re an award-winning Man Whore.  To say I’m expecting a lot would be a massive understatement.  Now get to Man Whore-ing, you sluttalicious he-trollop.”

I clear my throat.  “Um…ok.  Put on your underbib so you don’t stain the couch.”  I saunter toward her and brush the hair from my eyes.

She spit-takes into her half-full glass.  “I book the highest-rated fuckpig in the entire history of cock for hire, and the best you can do is a goddamn FOREHEAD REVEAL???  Try again, peasant!”

Shit.  Time to whip out the big guns (gun, singular, would be more accurate).  So I walk to the door of her office, adjust my peen so the head is poking out, then turn around and saunter back toward her. 

She immediately starts salivating.  “That’s what I’M TALKING ABOUT!”  She punches her own face like a meth’d up linebacker, and begins hooting like an inmate at a top-tier strip club.  “I can see the girth and curve right through your pants!  Holy shit, it looks like a baby’s arm holding an apple, offering it up to the goddamn heavens!”

“Pretty sweet, huh?  Thanks to a much-welcome genetic quirk, it also tastes like the award-winning pièce de résistance from season 5 of the Great British Bake—”

“RRRGHHH!”  Travis Kelce explodes through the wall, flooding the air with plaster and mortar, and spear-tackles my ass with his giant sweaty body.  “How could you, Taylor?”  Veins bulge from his forehead and neck.  “HOW COULD YOU???”

She glances at her bare-skinned wrist.  “Whoops, look at the time!  We’ll blow something up and chant ‘USA, USA,’ later tonight—I promise!”  She grabs her purse and runs out the door.

Travis Kelce, still sitting on top of my sternum, reaches out as she flits past his side.  “Wait…but you said…What the…”  Then he grabs me by the lapels.  “ARRRRGH—SO MUCH RAGE!  GOING TO BITE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR GIANT SEXY DICK!”

Jesus CHRIST.  There’s no way I can fend off a 280 lb, dick-biting neanderfuck.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Martha Stewart rockets through the ceiling, landing in a superhero crouch behind the football star.  She buries her fingers in his wide-flaring nostrils, whirls into a discus-thrower spin, and throws the tight end into the wall, creating a second hole beside the one he just made.  Travis bounces off a Taylor statue in the hallway, then crumples into a lifeless heap.

He looks up at Martha with tear-blurred eyes.  “Muh…mercy…”

She chuckles as her shadow falls across his face.  “Riddle me this:  how does an alpha bitch like me spend time in prison?  Trading different brands of ramen and crying at therapy?  Nah, fucker, I meditate on how to beat and desecrate meatheads like you.  I call it my ‘Dark Martha’ phase.  And this would be…”  She trails off, cants her head, and flourishes her hand in a come-on-take-a-guess gesture.

“Dark Martha…era?”  Snot runs out of Travis’s ruined nose. 

“Exactly.”  Her grins turns sharklike, then she tosses him into the air.  As he comes back down, she uppercuts him through the center of his anus—“Daaaark MARTHA!”—bisecting his torso before her hand stops inside his cro-mag skull.  She proceeds to work it like a grotesque puppet:  “I’m Travis Kelce,” she declares in an oafish voice.  “I smell like socks and man-ass!  BWAHAHAHA!”

I run out of the office, sobbing and sniveling from the sheer fucking horror.  Yes, I unleashed Dark Martha, but at what cost???

AT.  WHAT.  COST????

*Cue the climactic part of the theme from Requiem for a Dream*

Have you been caught canoodling with a pop star, and now have to escape from her neander-fuck boyfriend?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Dark Martha, and watch as she defeats him with her anus-bisecting uppercut!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Grammar Nazi Prime grabs my shoulders.  “I need…to enter…a VAGINA.”  He bores into my eyes with a haunted gaze.

“Um…why do you have to say it like that?”  I delicately remove his hands from my shoulders.

“We’ve been lifelong enemies, but now I come to you in a spirit of penitence—I will no longer hound you with grammatical strictures.  But please, for the love of God and all that is holy, help me consummate a sexual union!”

“That…is not an improvement.  I’d prefer the word ‘fuck’ over either of—”

He drops to his knees and sobs into his hands.  “AHGODPLEASE!”

“Jesus!  All right, I’ll help you!”

“Thank you, Kent Wayne.”  He wipes away snot with the back of his wrist.  It forms a bubble, then trails from his nose to the edge of his hand.  (Gross).  “Thank you.”

Over the next few weeks, I make him work out, practice small talk, and shift his focus onto relaxation, positivity, and fun.  Then, on the third week of training…

“MMMFF!”  I thrash in place, but no dice—he duct-taped me to the back of a goddamn chair.

GNP yanks the tape off my lips.  “Ha!  You actually thought I desired your tutelage?  Not a chance, Wayne—I’ll never stop picking at your unholy stories!  NEVER!”

My hazy vision sharpens and resolves.  We’re in a bare concrete room, lit by a naked, industrial-strength bulb.  “This whole time…”

“Yes!” he crows.  “You fell prey to my simpering wiles!  Do you really think I care about sex?”  He drops trou in front of my face, revealing his shriveled, atrophied penis.  It looks like a freakish mole-rat worm, completely devoid of length, girth, and melanin. 

“HOORRRKKK!!!”  Projectile vomit spews from my gob.  He ducks as it rockets past his face, coating the wall in green-brown chunks.  “Please…” I whisper.  “Put it away…”

He zips up and chuckles.  “So now you understand.  No sane woman would insert this phallus between her labia.  My true quest has always been—and will always be—to enact revenge against my greatest enemy:  Kent Wayne, prolific author and award-winning Man Whore.”

I sag in place, drool yawing down from my parted lips.  “Stop…stop talking about sex.  Every time you do it, you somehow make it worse.” 

He nods at my crotch.  “Much like Delilah, I will sever the source of your fortune and strength, albeit in a more far more gruesome and unseemly manner.”  He snaps on a latex glove, then brandishes a pair of oversized scissors.  “Prepare yourself, Wayne—now is the winter of my discontent!”

Holy.  FUCK.  He wants to cut off my award-winning womb-hammer!  Ain’t no way.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener untucks from my sock, uncoils from my leg, and punches through the front of my pants.  “YOU WANT MY BLOOD????” it roars.  “COME AND TAKE IT!”

GNP blurts, “DON’T—” before it smacks him twice across the face, coils itself across his torso and limbs, then lifts him up and stretches him into a painful crucifix.  “HRRRNNGHH…”  Blood leaks from the corner of his lips.  “Mercy…”

My wiener shloops down onto GNP’s dome, encasing his skull in the remains of my foreskin.  Dear God…it looks like he’s being eaten by a giant veiny diving helmet.  “MMRFF!  MMRFF!”  He thrashes in place, trying to escape a prison made of dickskin and smegma.  It slowly leaks around the edges of the seal, oozing down his pencil-thin neck.  Seconds later, he passes out and goes limp.

Welp, that’s what you get for trynna cut off my womb-hammer!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a finger-wagging dickhead tried to lop off your genitals?  Never fear!  Buy my books, weaponize your nether parts, and smother him in a penis-helmet filled with Gross!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing