My ex kicks me out of her moving car.  Asphalt bites into my shoulders and ribs—OW, FUCK, MOTHER OF SHIT—before I come to a stop in the ratty-ass weeds.  It takes me an hour of wriggling and squirming, but I finally worm free of the ties around my wrists. 

Fuck, that hurt.  I stand up and look around.  This place is teeming with life, but not in a good way.  Any second now, some giant lizard or fist-sized bug is gonna jump out of the bush and—

“Well look what we have here.”  A pot-bellied militia-guy emerges from the brush.  He’s kitted out in high-end armor, tacti-cool pouches, and a rifle that’s tripled in natural weight, due to all the scopes, lasers, and the chainsaw-bayonet hanging off its end. 

I take a shot in the dark.  “Zeke?”

“HOW’D YEW KNOW?”  His rifle snaps up.

“Whoa!”  I thrust my hands in the air.  “Lucky guess, man!”

Three of his friends emerge from the treeline.  One of them says, “Got dibs on the mouth.”

“Yew might be a Chinese spy.”  Zeke’s eyes narrow in suspicion. 

“Korean-American, actually.  My parents—”

“WHUTEVER!” he roars.  “YEW CAN STILL BE A SPY!”

I shrug in defeat.  “That’s true, but—”

“Only one way to tell.”  He jerks his chin at my crotch.  “Gotta see if yer circumcised.  Now lemme see that sexy Chinese penis.”

My brow furrows in concern.  “Yeah, that’s not a thing.  You’re probably thinking about—”

“LEMME SEE IT!”

Shit.  These guys are straight out of a Tarantino horror flick.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

One of the hillbillies yells, “The FUCK—” before a sickening crack rings through the air, and he drops to the ground with his head canted back at an impossible angle.  Full-auto fire chatters and blazes, targeting Chuck Norris as he darts away from his broken-necked prey, accelerates into a circular sprint, and—

“EEEEHHHH-HOOOOO!!!” 

—roundhouse kicks one of them so fucking hard that his skull rockets clean off his neck, and pinball-ricochets off five different trees.  His buddy screams, “HOLY FUCK!” and ejects his mag.  Before he can click a new one in, Chuck runs up to him and punts him in the crotch.  Blood jets out the hillbilly’s ears, his eyes go red with burst vessels, and his gory nuts shoot out from his mouth.

Chuck points at the hillbilly leader.  “That is MY sexy Chinese penis!”

I clear my throat.  “Korean-American, actually—”

He swivels in my direction and snaps, “Quit messin’ with my damn intellectual!”  He turns around to address the hillbilly leader, who’s raising his trembling hands and trying not to cry.  “Now.  Me n’ Kent are gonna strip nekkid and stare at ourselves in the mirror while we get our pump on with some extra grunty bicep curls.  Right, Kent?  Right?!?  KENT!  OH, COME ON—YOU GODDAMN COMMUNIST PUSSY!”

I’m already running away.  Fuck that shit. 

Has your ex ditched you in the backwoods of Florida, and left you to fend for yourself against a bunch of deviant militia-larpers?  Never fear!  Buy my books, use their magical powers to summon psycho Chuck Norris, and watch him mutilate their bodies with his legendary roundhouse kicks!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Paperback here:  Weapons of Old, paperback.  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Wait—what?  Men are spontaneously dropping dead?  Wait—WHAT?  I’m the last one alive?  Hold on—ZZRP—I just got teleported into a stadium-full of women, and they’re swarming me like fast-zombies from World War Z, leaping through the air with their mouths fully open, in an attempt to encompass my girthy upcurve?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

THANK YOU, GOD!!!

48 HOURS LATER…

Murrgh…need electrolytes…brain function…dropping…

Grammar Nazi Prime folds his hands behind his back, striding beside me and dipping his chin.  “Well.  What have we here.  The great author and award-winning Man Whore, rendered helpless by nonstop ejaculation.”

Urg.  Rog.  No think good.  Me look like zombie.  I once run and jump, eat Cheeto and dorito.  Now I lay down.  No eat.  No chew.  Too tired. 

“HA!”  He throw head back.  Laugh loud.  “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier!  Bought down by your greatest strength—your juicy veiny thick-ass upcurve!”

(Hm.  Seem like more description than necessary).

“Anyways,” he continue.  “Look at it now!”  He gesture with hand.

I look down at wiener.  Now look like burnt hamster tail.  No.  NO.  How could eighth wonder of world turn into blackened tiny nub???  Must do something.  Must act NOW.

I open eReader to Kent Wayne novel, activating special reality-bending power.  Magic flash. 

“God DAMMIT!”  Grammar Nazi Prime takes off running. 

My wiener expands a dozen yards, sweeping him off his feet and entangling his ankles. 

“No!”  He tries clawing the floor, but to no avail—I slowly but steadily drag him back toward me.  “PLEASE!”  Tears line his cheeks as he yanks on his legs, desperately trying to free them from my brutish womb-hammer. 

It shoots up his body, breaking joints and drawing screams as it wraps tightly around his knees and hips, his spine and arms.  As a uniquely phallic coup de grace, it shloops tightly over his dome, enveloping his head in its smeg-ridden folds. 

“AHGODNO!”  As smoke erupts from the hellish peen-helmet, a high-pitched shriek erupts from within.  “EEEEEEEEEEEEE—”  A second later, it abruptly cuts off.  My wiener retracts, revealing Grammar Nazi Prime’s flesh-stripped skull, smoking and ridden with slow-crawling embers. 

I hiss awkwardly through my clenched teeth.  Yeah he was a douche, but…

Nope!  That’s what you get for trynna turn my love of vajeen into a goddamn deathtrap!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a pedantic, grammar-obsessed puddle of fermented douche-water tried to assassinate you?  Never fear!  Buy my books, activate their magic reality-bending powers, and grow your genitals into a limb-snapping face-melter! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Paperback here:  Weapons of Old, paperback.  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“What the fuck?”  My soccer mom clients are seated on either side of me.  Someone abducted us, assembled us in an otherwise empty theater, and tied us to rows of front-facing chairs.

“Did you do this?”  I shoot a glance at a soccer mom.  “Why?”  I strain against my ropes. 

“Don’t be an idiot, Kent,” the nearest one hisses.  “To enjoy your Man Whore services, we require the full use of your athletic musculature.  Your girthy upcurve can work by itself, but experiencing it solo would miss the forest for the tr—”

“SILENCE!”  Grammar Nazi Prime strides onto the stage, hands folded behind his back.  “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!” 

“For WHAT?” A soccer mom yells.  “I don’t even—”

“NO ONE WILL FUCK ME!”  He drops to his knees and clutches the air.  “AAAARRRGGHHH!!!”  He pops back up and points at my face.  “And YOU!  You’re getting PAID FOR IT!”

Receding hairline, nonexistent jawline, clear deprivation of vitamin D, resulting in lackluster muscle tone and skinny-fat dadbod…

“No way,” I whisper.  “The ultimate incel.”

“THAT’S RIGHT!”  He drops his pants, revealing a wiener that would make a freezing wet hamster point and laugh.  “YOU THINK ANYONE’S GONNA PUT THEIR MOUTH ON A FLESHY LITTLE THIMBLE?  ONE THAT RESEMBLES A DEFORMED MOLE RAT BABY?  THINK A-FUCKING-GAIN!”

The Soccer Moms immediately start barfing and wailing.  Tears of blood leak down their cheeks, triggered by the Cthulu-rivaling horror between his legs.  One of them bursts into an ugly-crying sob-rant, going in depth about her wish for a handy wakizashi, so she can engage in a bout of ritualized seppuku. 

My body starts rebelling—blood leaks out my organs and brims from my lips.  Pretty soon, we’re all gonna look like the crew in Event Horizon, when they teleported into a soul-killing hellscape. 

Fuck that.  No options left.  So I worm an arm free, reach in my pocket, and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener rips through the center of my pants, expanding into a Godzilla-sized column of veiny flesh.  As its shadow eclipses Grammar Nazi Prime, he whispers, “Mother of G—”

That’s all he gets out before it comes rocketing down, enveloping his head with the remains of my foreskin.  SHLOOP.  It’s like someone ambushed him with an old-school diving helmet, only this one’s made of stank-ass dickskin. 

“AHGODNO!”  He wrestles with the folds of my dick, trying like hell to pull it off his mug.  As smegma begins to secrete from the wrinkles, my nemesis erupts with a high-pitched scream:  “EEEEEEEEE—”  Then it cuts off and he sags to his knees. 

While all that was happening, the Soccer Moms managed to wriggle free of their restraints.  Now they’re charging the stage, swamping the corpse of my age-old nemesis.  Kicks and punches rain down on his body, giving him the extra Fuck-You he so richly deserves.

Welp, that’s what you get for messing with a Man Whore’s milf clientele!  HEH heh heh!

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Has Grammar Nazi Prime tied you and your lovers up in an empty theater, then subjected you to body horror that would make John Wayne Gacy shit himself in terror?  Never fear!  Buy my books, weaponize your genitals, and give that fool the death he deserves!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“We found it,” Darth Maul hisses.  “Your little black client book—it’s FUCKING FILTHY!”  Darth Maul extends a hand, freezing me in place with his Dark Side energy. 

“HRRGH.”  I try and fight it, but there’s nothing there for me to grab.  Headrush-sparkles dance through my vision—pretty soon, it’s gonna start closing in at the edges.

“MY MOTHER!”  Darth Vader busts through a wall and levels his lightsaber at my face.  “YOU GAPED HER OUT LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!’

“What…did…you…expect.”  My eyes tick over to him.  “I’m…an…award-winning…Man Whore.”

“Not for long,” Maul rasps.  “In less than a minute, you’ll be a lifeless piece of—”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

“I’ve gained access to power…that dwarfs your ridiculous kid-party parlor tricks.”  I extend a hand toward Maul, mirroring his finger-curled gesture.

“Have you?”  He chuckles sardonically and tightens his Force-choke.  “I assure you that—”

I flex my will and tense my fingers, causing him to double at the waist and clutch his belly.

“OH DEAR JESUS!”  Even though he’s got a robot butt, my poop-yourself-powers don’t have limits—motor oil, organs, and foul-smelling liquids erupt out his backend.  “AH-GOD-PLEASE!”  Tears leak down his red-and-black cheeks.  “MERCY—I BEG OF YOU!”

I swivel left, pointing my curl-fingered hand at Darth Vader’s helmet.  He deactivates his saber, raises his hands, and quavers, “Whoa—hey now.  I was kidding around, you know?”  He shakes with a nervous, don’t-hurt-me giggle.  “Um…my mom’s hot, everyone knows that.  I don’t blame you for—”

I flex my will and rasp, “You’re making this weird.”

“AAAHHHHH!!!”  He clutches his gut as hamsters, beer bottles, and half-digested food shoot out his dirt-star. 

“What’s going on here?!?”  Leia comes stomping in.  Her face lights up as she lasers in on me.  “My favorite Man Whore!”

I glance down at my upcurve, then shoot her a weighted, wink-wink look.  “It’s here if you want it.”

She wipes drool off her mouth with the back of her wrist.  “Hot damn!  The Widener cometh!”  (Everyone’s got a nickname for it).

As she slips a hand into the crook of my elbow, Vader reaches out with a trembling arm.  “Fuck…no…NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

Music to my ears!  HEH heh heh!

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Have you been accosted by a couple of jealous-ass Sith lords?  Never fear!  Buy my books, make ’em shit out their organs, then widen their family members for money, prestige, and/or sheer petty vengeance! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing