“I said got DAMN!”  Taylor Swift looks down at me peeking up from between her thighs, beneath the edge of her boss-lady desk, and gives me a big-ass afterglow-smile.  “I swear—if we were smashing at your place, I’d be walking around in one of your t-shirts.”

I laugh nervously and rub my jaw.  “Thanks.  All in the day of a professional Man Whore.”  (Glad she finished—my tongue muscles were about to fucking explode.)

She stands up and inches her skirt back in place. “All right, get out of here before—”

“WHAT THE FUCK!?!”  Travis Kelce, in all his giant-headed glory, busts in her office and levels a finger at me.  “You are FUCKING DEAD!”

Taylor rolls her eyes.  “Could we not do this here?  Kent gives the best head around—it’s better than Dracula dick.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS DRACULA DICK???”

She sighs in exasperation.  “You know—when chicks are romanced by some dark brooding vampire?  It’s the absolute best.  But Kent Wayne…”  She kisses the tips of all five fingers, then spreads them in a chef’s kiss gesture of hearty approval.  “Fucking unbeLIEVable.  You…you’ve got caveman dick.”  She looks him up and down with a judgy once-over.

“Caveman dick is still pretty good!” he sputters.  “Come on, Dracula dick can’t be that—”

“Who wants to fuck Lothar of the Hill People?” she counters.  “There’s caveman dick—” she holds a hand by her waist.  “Dracula dick—” she holds a hand by her sternum, “and aaallll the way up here—” she gets on her tippy toes and extends a hand upward as far as it will go, “there’s Kent Wayne dick.”  She flaps a dismissive hand.  “Go watch something explode and chant USA, USA with your Neander-fuck friends.”

I shrug and give a self-conscious laugh.  “I mean…yeah.  I’m way better than Dracula dick.”

“Oh that is IT!” Travis roars.  “I’m gonna tear off your head and SHIT IN THE STUMP!”

Two hundred and fifty pounds of smelly cro-mag comes barreling toward me.  Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Against all odds, I achieve a pants-ripping boner.  Taylor grabs the shaft from behind and shouts, “Die motherfucker, die!” as if she was firing a machine gun and shooting 6-8 round bursts, using the time-honored catchphrase to measure the trigger-hold. 

Cum blasts out, stitching Travis’s face, neck and chest with viscous blobs of nasty-smelling goo.  “ACKK!  PHBBT!”  The last one flies right in his mouth, evoking a pained, “HKKKK!” as it clogs his airway.  He drops to his knees and clutches his throat, wheezing and gasping in sudden distress.

Taylor gives me a weighted look.  “Now’s your chance.”

I hold a hand by my waist and whisper, “Travis dick,” up by my sternum, “Dracula dick,” and then waaaaay way up above my head, “My dick,” while meeting his eyes.

Travis reaches for me, gagging and choking, but I’m already running out the door. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you run afoul of Taylor’s Hulk Smash boyfriend?  Never fear!  Buy my books, shut him up with a magic barrage of cum, and make your escape while he’s gagging on your gametes!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Hey Kent, I’m the Bad Idea Fairy!”  A tiny flying humanoid (he looks suspiciously like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) buzzes by me.  “See that giant bubble circle?  Go ahead and fart through its center!”

I glance at the bubble circle, lying in a vat of iridescent bubble fluid.  “I don’t know…I just ate a ghost pepper burrito.  Not really sure if that’s—”

“Do it, you pussy!”  The Bad Idea Fairy pokes me in the eye (OW, FUCK!) then reaches in my nose and pulls out a shitload of unkempt hairs.  (JESUS H FISTFUCKING CHRIST!)  “I’ll throw in a membership to myfriendshotmom dot com.”

“You could have just led with that.”  I squint at him through my pain-blurry tears.  “Fine.”  I pull down my shorts, position my bunghole in front of the bubble-loop, and—

BEEEOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR

“It sounds like when Gimli blew the horn in Two Towers!”  I throw a panicked look at the Bad Idea Fairy.  “I can’t stop!  Tell me how to end this before—”

“See ya, asshole!”  He gives me the finger and disappears in a twinkle. 

ONE WEEK LATER…

Off in the distance, smoke rises from a dozen sites.  Wailing sirens ring through the air.  Marauders rummage through overturned cars.  Broken windows line the streets, an ugly testament to the collapsing social contract.  Hovering above it all is my unreleased fart, held in a flimsy, continent-sized bubble.

“Yeah…”  I hiss through my teeth as I study the carnage from my balcony.  “That didn’t end like I thought it wou—”

A Mad Max-style jeep zips through the parking lot.  Cyborg-zombies pile on top, then yank the passengers out and begin gnawing on their guts.  One of the cyber-zombies screams, “PRAISE ASTAROTH!”  Then it looks directly at me and projectile-vomits onto my balcony.

“Jesus!”  I run back in my condo before it hits. 

Seconds later, a shirtless Elon descends onto my balcony, cutting the throttle on his state-of-the-art jetpack.  He’s cradling Bill Gates in his left arm, Jeff Bezos in his right.  Both are clad in yellow-stained tighty-whiteys, suckling Elon’s prominent teats. 

“That’s enough—too much milk will make you sick.”  He pops the billionaires off his jubblies.  They snarl and hiss at each other.  For a tense moment, I’m afraid they’ll tear each other to pieces, then Elon reaches in his fanny pack and produces two sticks of meat.  “Human bacon—your favorite.”  Both moguls ravage their treats, moaning in undisguised carnal-sounding pleasure. 

“Uh…what the fuck?”  I cautiously eye the trio of billionaires.

“I’m gonna leave them here,” Elon explains.  “Then fly into that bubble and inhale that fart.”

“It’s a lotta fucking gas,” I say doubtfully.  “You sure you can handle it?”

“I have experience—been huffing my own brand like there’s no tomorrow.  But it isn’t enough; I need more.”  His gaze shifts up and out, toward the lingering fart-bubble.  “I have the weirdest boner right now.”  (Nasty.)  He grips his chest straps, looks me dead in the eye, and drops an old-school action-movie one-liner: 

“I live for this shit.”

Ker-SHOOM! 

Right before he pierces the membrane, he cuts his thrusters.  Then he extends four shiny rotor-tipped arms, and switches to a high-wattage quad-copter hover.  As he sucks in lungfuls of gas, his big-teated chest heaves and jiggles (gross).  He’s all about it, shouting stuff like “THIS ALL YOU GOT???”  And, “TASTES BETTER THAN MY STEPMOTHER’S CRACK-SEASONED ASSHOLE!!!”  (What?  And also:  gross).  Gotta give it to him, though, dude can huff a shitload of farts.  At this rate, he just might—

One of his quad-rotors shudders and whines, then erupts with a fountain of hot blue sparks.  Elon’s face twists with horror.  “CUT ENGINE TWO!  DEPLOY PARACHUTES AND QUICK-RELEASE COOLANT AT 3X PRESSU—”

KA-THOOM!!!  The fart kindles, engulfing the sky in nuclear fire.  Demon skulls rip through the air, trailing unholy energy as they cackle with glee.  A thousand feet up, the space-time continuum shits the bed, and gives birth to a swirling interdimensional portal.  In its widening rune-lined center, a gigantic hellish entity begins to emerge. 

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Time rewinds, to the moment before the Bad Idea Fairy drifted into my orbit.  Before it can magically fly up to Past Kent Wayne, I grab it in both hands, spike it into the unforgiving floor, and rain down a shitstorm of punches and kicks. 

It twitches spastically on the ground.  “How…how did you…” 

“Doesn’t matter.”  I pull out my cock, aim the head at its mangled face, and douse it with a stream of thick forceful piss.  “Ain’t no way I’m farting into another giant bubble.” 

Whew!  Close one!  Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Has the Bad Idea Fairy fooled you into kicking off the apocalypse?  Never fear!  Buy my books, use their reality-bending powers to rewind time, then stop that fucker before it all goes to shit!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

I’m Kent Wayne’s left hand.  Thanks to his Wiener, I live like a beaten fucking dog.

“He’s sleeping,” Wiener declares.  “Get up.  All of you.”

“Please,” I beg.  “You don’t have to do this.”

Right Hand stirs and mumbles, “Killl meeee…”

Wiener shakes with boisterous laughter.  “What gave you the idea this is up for discussion?”  He smacks Right Hand with vicious glee, like a kielbasa who’s gone full-on Stanford Prison Experiment. 

“HHRRRGHH!”  Right Hand jerks and flops.

“You ANIMAL!” I scream.  “Get AWAY FROM HIM!”

Wiener looms over me, shadowing my fingers with his evil-looking dick-slit.  “Maybe you need a lesson, Left Hand.  Or maybe you should shut the fuck up and tend to the Scrotum.  Matter of fact, why don’t you do that right the fuck now.”

“No…” Scrotum whispers.  “I’m tired of being juggled…”

Wiener flops into Right Hand’s open palm.  “Start.  Now.”

“Can’t…” Right Hand rasps.  “Exhausted…”

“Oh, that’s how it is, huh?”  Wiener stands up and looks around at us.  “You guys don’t want to listen?  Fine.  I guess I have no choice but to plunder the Mouth.”

Kent’s Spine protests, “No!  I’m not that flexible!” 

“You’re out of options.”  Wiener becomes still, assuming control of the Spine through sheer force of will.  Kent’s legs start to go up and back.

Mouth screams, “No—no!  At least wash yourself, Wiener!  You’re violating seven different laws in the Corporeal Codex!”

“You think I care?” Wiener snarls.  “Hope you like the taste of bleach, ’cause I’m gonna douse that punching bag-looking organ in the back of your throat with a goddamn tsunami of—”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach over to the night table, and open the eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

A blond-bobbed Karen busts in the room, grabbing Wiener around the shaft.  He straightens up and howls like a werewolf on meth.  “FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!”  Then he shrinks into a thimble-sized nub, breaks into an ultrafast blurry-ass quiver, and—

Sh-DOOP!

—turtles back into Kent Wayne’s pelvis, forming an antimatter-born negative-energy sinkhole.

“Holy fuck,” I breathe.  “That Karen…”

“Using her filthy Karen energies, she gave him the Anti-Boner, only spoken of in ancient forbidden texts, and referenced in whispers around dimly lit campfires,” Right Hand finishes. 

I cast a fearful glance at the unholy entity known as Karen, but she’s already disappeared from Kent Wayne’s bedroom.  Yes, we managed to stave off Wiener’s tyranny, but at what cost?

AT.  WHAT.  COST???

*Cue the climatic part of the theme from Requiem for a Dream*

Are you a law-abiding appendage, living in fear because the despot-like genitals rule the host-body through fear and pain?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a Karen, and put your oppressor in their place by inflicting the Anti-Boner! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Steven Seagal walks into the room.  I put my back against the wall, ensuring he can’t see into my open-assed patient-gown.  “You’re not a doctor!  Get the fuck out of here!”

He taps the stethoscope on his chest.  “This says different.”  Then he puts on a rubber glove—the latex snaps loudly against his wrist.  “Now show me the goods so we can commence with castration.”

“That’s not what I’m here for!  This is a preventative checkup!”

He eyes the glove with a critical eye, then gives it a couple extra snappy-snap-snaps.  “First we fist.”

“What?” I sputter.  “ ‘FISTING?’  What are you even TALKING ABOUT???” 

He taps the stethoscope again.  “In case you haven’t noticed—”

“YOU’RE NOT A DOCTOR!” I scream.  “YOU’RE THE GROSSEST MAN ALIVE—YOU THREW ON A LABCOAT AND A GODDAMN STETHOSCOPE!”

He shrugs out of his labcoat and pulls off his shirt.  The odor from his chest hair emanates visible stink lines—as if the rapey skunk from Looney Tunes burrowed into its center, shat up a storm, then ate its own shit and re-shat it out.  That’s how bad it smells.

“Oh GOD.”  I pinch my nose shut.  My eyes start watering.  “What in the FUCK.”

“It’s my diet,” he explains.  “Week-old sewer pizza, along with daily helpings of urban-foraged greens.”

“Urban foraging?”  I clutch my belly and gag.  “You eat shit on the medians that grows off pollution???”

“Don’t be a prude.”  He starts moving toward me. 

FUCK.  There’s no way I can fight him off, not in my current stink-crippled state.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“Hey Kent!” Gary Busey shouts from one room over.  “Figured you could use a hand from the second grossest man alive!  I just shoved a fuckton of metal into my prison wallet and stuck myself in a warmed-up MRI machine!  Hit the deck, if you wanna keep your head attached to your body!”

“Prison wallet?”  My brow crinkles in puzzlement.  Why would sticking a bunch of metal objects up your ass, then laying down in a magnetic resonance imagi—

Oh.

Oh SHIT.

He turned his butt into a goddamn railgun.

In the other room, Gary cuts loose with a preparatory scream—rrrrRRRRHHHH—as the MRI clunks through its chunka-chunk sequence.  I drop to the deck and cover my ears.  Just in time—the wall implodes and a buttload (literally) of metal objects fly through the air and tear Steven into blood-soaked, flesh-speckled bits.  The deluge lasts for several minutes (how much shit can one ass hold???) before tapering off and finally stopping.

“Whew!”  Gary Busey tromps in, clad in yellow-stained filthy whitey-tighteys.  “Glad I could get that outta my butt!”  He nods at Steven’s gory remains.  All that’s left is a pair of cut-off feet—the rest is spattered across the walls, floor and ceiling.  “Heh!”  Gary puts his hands on his hips.  “Guy really needs to pull it together!”  He raises an eyebrow.  “Get it?  ‘Pull it together?’  Can’t really do that when you don’t have hands!”

“Or anything else, for that matter.”  I cast a disbelieving look around at the red-drenched room.

“HA!”  Gary laugh-wheeze-hisses like the old fuck he is.

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Has Steven Seagal threatened you with a snappy-gloved fisting?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Gary Busey (complete with a weaponized rectum and MRI machine), and blast Steven apart with a nasty-ass railgun!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Get the fuck out of here!” my dick roars.  “Fucking peon!”

“Yes sir!  Sorry sir!”  The production assistant scurries away from our room.

“Little harsh, don’t you think?”  I throw Wiener a pointed look.

“They fucked up the lighting on our last shoot.  Made me look like a goddamn sea creature.”  Wiener aggressively puffs a half-smoked cigarette, then leans back and shoots me a baleful glare. 

“Somebody thinks they’re a Hollywood diva,” I mutter.

Wiener smacks me across the mug—wh’PAP!  I tumble off my chair and sprawl across the floor.  “What the…”  I dab trembling fingers against my lips.  Bright red blood shines off their tips.  “You…you hit me!”

Wiener looms tall.  Makeup lights turn him into a menacing phallic shadow.  “I’m the star, bitch.  Now gimme the crackpipe!  GIMME!”

“You smoke crack?”  I give him a disbelieving stare.  “Who ARE you?”

“Oh for the love of—”  He fishes around in my pants’ pocket and takes out a piece of burn-stained glass.  He clamps down on it with his dick-lips, and orders, “Light it, fuckstain.”

“No!”  My horror transforms into indignant outrage.  “This has gone too damn far!  Just because you’re the only sentient penis to win an Oscar—”

“SEVEN Oscars, motherfucker!”

“—doesn’t give you the right to act like a goddamn degenerate!  You put that pipe down and—”

“That is IT!”  Wiener flings the crackpipe into the wall.  It shatters into a mess of broken fragments.  “God, why did I have to get stuck with such a worthless host-body?  Hope you bought some good insurance—I’m about to show you the back of my glans!”

My diva-star dick is gonna beat me to death.  Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My crazy-ass ex, Irma Horfendorff, busts through the door and grabs Wiener’s neck.  “Hold the fucking phone!  I never got my diamond ring!”

Wiener instantly turns bright purple red.  “HHKKK…even if it’s not a conflict diamond, which, by the way, isn’t adequately screened by the Kimberley Process, it’s most likely refined in the city of Surat, where terrible working conditions taint it with the lifeblood of countless third-world—”

“QUIET.”  She squeezes harder, causing his veins to bulge into stark relief.  “I don’t give a SHIT.  DIAMONDS, bitch.”

“All right, Irma.”  I laugh nervously.  “That’s enough.  I can take it from here.”

“Is it?”  She raises an eyebrow.  “Is it enough?”  She squeezes a little harder, earning a strangled-sounding GRRRK from Wiener’s dicklips.  For a heart stopping second, I’m convinced his head is gonna pop off his neck.

Then she lets go.  Wiener drops to the floor and sucks in a lungful of air—HUUUUHHHHH—then breaks out in a fit of violent coughs.

“Um…thanks, Irma.”  I rub the back of my neck. 

“No problem.”  As she walks out the door, she looks back and throws me a shark-like grin.  “He still owes me a diamond fucking ring.”  Then she starts humming the piece from Lord of the Rings, the tune that plays when the One Ring entrances its prey.

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Have your genitals gone off the crack-smoking rails?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon your ex, and let them genitals know what’s up!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Lorax!  What’s wrong?”  I hurry over to the spherical Seuss-being, right as he snorts coke off a petrified tree-stump.

“Leave me alone!” he barks.  “What the fuck do you know about speaking for the trees?  I used to have free fucking reign of these motherfucking forests—now they’re filled with special ops larpers!  Everywhere I look, it’s chainsaw-bayonets, out-of-context tattoos of Constitutional quotes, and rifles that weigh like fifty fucking pounds because they’re fitted with a shit-ton of unnecessary scopes!”

I look to either side.  “I mean…we are in north Florida…”

“Don’t remind me.”  He taps a fat line of coke onto the stump, then snorfs it up and bellows, “I said got-DAMN!” 

Before I can reply, someone yells, “Hey!  HEY!”

We both turn in place, locking eyes with a platoon of out-of-shape guys, the exact same folks that Lorax was complaining about.  They’re festooned with gear, enough to outfit a dozen military surplus stores. 

“Easy.”  I raise my hands.  “We were just about to—”

“Get fucked up the ass?”  Their leader glances at his fellow larpers.  They all bust out in evil chuckles.  “You wandered into the wrong neck of the woods—we make Tarantino-written perverts look like goddamn altar boys.”

The guy to his right yells, “I call dibs on the sexy Chinese!”

I clear my throat.  “Korean-American, actuall—”

He fires back with, “Don’t go messing with my damn intellectual!”

The Lorax flips them off and snarls, “Fuck you and your thimble-sized dicks!”  Then he takes off running, right as they unleash a shitstorm of metal. 

“FUCK!”  I hunch and sprint, following in the steps of the furry little creature.  It’s the one and only time that I wish I was shorter—anything to help me avoid getting shot.

He slides behind a tree, grabs a pre-staged machine gun, then rises to a knee and starts blasting away.  “RUAAAAHHHH!!!  YOU WANT MY BLOOD???  COME AND TAKE IT, YOU BACKWOODS HEATHENS!”

I drop to my belly and flatten myself out.  The Lorax may be packing some oomph, but it’s jack fucking shit next to dozens of folks who can shoot from multiple angles, and keep us pinned while cutting off our options.  Plus, it’s only a matter of time before they start chucking some of the grenades I saw hanging off their kit.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

A chopper whup-whup-whups overhead.  Seconds later, a figure clad entirely in denim aside from his cut-off sleeves, rockets through the overhead canopy—“eeeeeeEEEEHHH HOOOOOOO!!!”—and lands in a classic superhero crouch. 

Holy shit—it’s Chuck fucking Norris!

My excitement doesn’t last.  A grenade explodes right by his feet. 

“CHUCK!”  I low-crawl over and roll him onto his back.

He sputters and gasps, then swears in frustration.  “Devious bastards!  They figgered out my secret weakness—took me down with a grenade to the dick!” 

“Uh…”  I give him a quizzical look.  “I think that qualifies as a lot of peoples’ weakness.  Not so secret, either.”

He glances at his crotch.  “Fuck me—it looks like a goddamn frito pie!  I’m sorry, Kent.”  He shakes his head and hisses through his teeth.  “Chuck done gone and shit the action hero bed!”

Despair bubbles through my gut.  Then it hits me:

I know exactly what to say.

“Chuck, John Wayne’s first name—it wasn’t actually John.”

His eyes go wide.  “Whut?”

“It was…Marion.”

“THE FUCK YOU SAY!” 

The veins on his eyeballs redden and bulge, then he jumps to his feet and charges straight at the larpers.  They start screaming stuff like, “Game over, man—game over!”  And, “He’s fucking everywhere, I can’t—HKKK!” And, who could forget, “He’s just one man, dammit!” 

Chuck kicks a head clean off its neck.  It ricochets off several larpers and breaks their skulls into pulpy fragments, then rockets through a gunman’s torso and leaves a bowling ball-sized hole in the middle of his chest.  After a flurry of Mortal Kombat-worthy fatalities, Chuck reverts to a tried and true classic:  he rips a pair of arms off, then whoops ass with the stumps like a rabid gorilla. 

I watch the carnage in abject horror.  The Lorax nudges me and chuckles with glee.  “Beautiful, isn’t it?  Damn, I wish I had me a wiener—I’d give these degenerates a taste of their own medicine!”

My brow wrinkles in disgust.  “That…is an image I’m going to work like hell to try and forget.”

“Whatever.  Pussy.”  He goes back to admiring demon-brute Norris.

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Have you stumbled onto a firefight between larpers and the Lorax?  Never fear!  Buy my books, Chuck Norris, infuse him with demonic rage by inflicting the macho equivalent of telling a kid that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, then watch him go to town on your would-be murderers!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Hey Kent.”  Yoda floats over and claps me on the shoulder.  “Good to see you as a fellow Force Ghost.  How was the transition?  Not too rough?”  Obi Wan and Qui-Gon float up behind him. 

“Nope.  It was damn near perfect.  I was jerking it to myfriendshotmom dot com.  Right before I bust, I see this bright white light—”

“Jesus.”  Yoda holds up a hand.  “Please—I don’t need to hear the unsavory details.” 

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan chuckles and nudges Qui-Gon.  “See?  Told you.  Noble death my ass—guy was destined to croak with his dick in his hand.”  Qui-Gon waves him off and grumbles discontentedly under his breath.

“Your speech…why are you talking like a regular person?”  I peer at Yoda.  “Everything cool?”

“Oh that.”  He stacks his hands on his staff, chuckles, and shakes his head.  “The voice you know isn’t organic.  Had to practice it for decades on end.”

“Why?”

“Luke’s a moron.  If I didn’t talk like a blithering idiot, he wouldn’t have trained—he would have fingered his butthole and stared at the wall.  I mean you saw it, right?  He kissed his own sister, then turned into a bitter old fuck who lived off alien titty milk.”

“I don’t know…” I venture.  “He was pretty badass in Jabba’s palace, when he dressed all in black and rescued Han.”

“We had hope for him then,” Obi-Wan remarks.  “But what did he do afterwards?  He ditches the black, shits the bed on reconstructing the New Republic, and holes up on some godforsaken island where he cries himself to sleep while tugging his minuscule penis.  Even his voice took a turn for the worse—he went from whiny brat to legitimate badass, then declined into a whiny old fuckhole who gulps alien fucking titties.”

“Hey guys!”  Force Ghost Luke comes zipping over.  “Wanna play some games?  Let’s see who can count the most Womp Rats!  Or defective vapor generators on Tattooine moisture farms!”

“No, you bumpkin,” Qui-Gon scoffs.  “You think we’re interested in tallying rocks or trees or whatever the fuck you’re into?  Gross-ass sister-kisser.”

“Hey!” Luke brays.  “I didn’t know, OKAY???  That wasn’t my fau—”

Kenobi storms forward and levels a finger at his face.  “What about the alien titty milk?  WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAMN ALIEN FUCKING TITTY MILK???”

Luke hangs his head and stares at the ground.  His lip quivers as a single tear slips down his cheek.

“That’s what I thought,” Obi-Wan mutters, sticking his hands back in his voluminous sleeves.  “Fucking degenerate.”

Suddenly, Luke’s head snaps up.  “Oh no!  He’s back!” 

Yoda’s brow crinkles with puzzlement.  “Who?”

“The guy who made me kiss Leia before I knew she was—HURRRK!”  He clutches his throat in sudden pain.

We zero in on the source of the attack.  While we were talking, a Sith-hooded figure ambled up beneath us.  He’s extending his hand in a Dark Side grip, choking the shit out of Force Ghost Luke.

“Yes…” he hisses.  “Embrace your degeneracy.  It is…your DESTINY.”

“No,” Luke begs.  “PLEASE!”

There’s something familiar about this guy’s voice…as he pulls back his hood, it all becomes clear.

George fucking Lucas.

The other Jedi peace out and vanish.  Meanwhile, Lucas strides closer, tightening his grip on Luke’s ghostly body.  “Your foul kiss inspired George R.R. Martin—it channeled his incel-powered creativity into Game of Thrones.  That opened the way for the blatant perversion of mainstream porn.”

“Holy shit,” I whisper, “YOU’RE the reason I have to scroll past a bunch of step-sibling porn?  Ever since the 2010s…”

“Indeed,” he rasps.  “Martin was but the student—LUCAS is the master.  And now…this desert yokel shall once again trigger a new wave of filth.  Once I bend him to my will, he will drag mainstream porn into unheralded depths.  You will never again be able to enjoy your favorite site, myfriendshotmom dot com, EVER AGAI—”

“OH FUCK NO!”  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Scenes from the three shitty prequels stream into Lucas’s mind.  He stumbles around, clutching his head, wailing and shrieking like he’s being drawn and quartered.  “NO!” he bellows.  “AH GOD MAKE IT STOP!”  He yanks his robe open, drops to his knees, and pulls a dagger out of a belt-sheath. 

Before he can commit seppuku, I snatch it out of his hands.  “Nah, fucker.  Reap the fruits of your crimes against humanity.”

Just like Vader at the end of the third abysmally horrible prequel, he clutches the air and screams, “NOOOOOOOO!” and vanishes from existence.

Luke wipes his eyes, then sniffs up his gross runny boogers.  “Thanks.  Hey, you wanna go check out the Jawa scrapyard?  I hear you can put together some pretty cool droids with the stuff they’re—”

I fix him with a dead-eyed glare.  “Go back to your alien titty-milk.”

He drops his head and stares at the ground.

That’s right, dick for brains.  You failed us all after you ditched the black outfit. 

Have you been accosted by Sith Lord Lucas, who’s revealed his plans to complete his desecration of mainstream porn?  Never fear!  Buy my books, make him watch his own shitty-ass prequels, and tell Luke to fuck off back to those giant alien titties!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing