Tag: book-reviews

“I said got DAMN!”  Taylor Swift looks down at me peeking up from between her thighs, beneath the edge of her boss-lady desk, and gives me a big-ass afterglow-smile.  “I swear—if we were smashing at your place, I’d be walking around in one of your t-shirts.” I laugh nervously and rub my jaw.  “Thanks.  All…

“Hey Kent, I’m the Bad Idea Fairy!”  A tiny flying humanoid (he looks suspiciously like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) buzzes by me.  “See that giant bubble circle?  Go ahead and fart through its center!” I glance at the bubble circle, lying in a vat of iridescent bubble fluid.  “I don’t know…I just ate…

I’m Kent Wayne’s left hand.  Thanks to his Wiener, I live like a beaten fucking dog. “He’s sleeping,” Wiener declares.  “Get up.  All of you.” “Please,” I beg.  “You don’t have to do this.” Right Hand stirs and mumbles, “Killl meeee…” Wiener shakes with boisterous laughter.  “What gave you the idea this is up for…

Steven Seagal walks into the room.  I put my back against the wall, ensuring he can’t see into my open-assed patient-gown.  “You’re not a doctor!  Get the fuck out of here!” He taps the stethoscope on his chest.  “This says different.”  Then he puts on a rubber glove—the latex snaps loudly against his wrist.  “Now…

“Get the fuck out of here!” my dick roars.  “Fucking peon!” “Yes sir!  Sorry sir!”  The production assistant scurries away from our room. “Little harsh, don’t you think?”  I throw Wiener a pointed look. “They fucked up the lighting on our last shoot.  Made me look like a goddamn sea creature.”  Wiener aggressively puffs a…

“Lorax!  What’s wrong?”  I hurry over to the spherical Seuss-being, right as he snorts coke off a petrified tree-stump. “Leave me alone!” he barks.  “What the fuck do you know about speaking for the trees?  I used to have free fucking reign of these motherfucking forests—now they’re filled with special ops larpers!  Everywhere I look,…

“Hey Kent.”  Yoda floats over and claps me on the shoulder.  “Good to see you as a fellow Force Ghost.  How was the transition?  Not too rough?”  Obi Wan and Qui-Gon float up behind him.  “Nope.  It was damn near perfect.  I was jerking it to myfriendshotmom dot com.  Right before I bust, I see…