Tag: amazon

Superman insistently pats my cheek.  “Wake up, buddy—hey!  Nice underwear!  Little tight, though…I can see the veins on your root and your shaft.  Man, this is cool, I can measure your heartrate by tracking the in-and-out bulge!  What’re you, like 50 beats per minute?  You’re pretty shredded—definitely got an athlete’s BPM.” “Huh?  Whazzuh?”  I blink…

“I speak…”  The Lorax clicks a magazine into his rifle, sends the bolt home, and settles into a prone firing position.  “…for the motherfucking trees.” “What the fuck!”  I flinch back in shock.  “Come on, man—you said we were going for a walk in the woods!” “Goddamn Floridian militia-larper hillbillies,” he mutters, peering into the…

Santa Claus peers through his state-of-the-art binoculars, staring intently at me as I pretend to be deep in peaceful slumber.  “I see you when you’re sleeping,” he mutters, lowering the binos and narrowing his eyes.  “I know when you’re awake.  You think you can fuck my hot-ass wife and get away with it?  Fucking piece…

“You really need me for this?” I ask nervously.  “Isn’t this between you and Neo?” “Come on.”  Trinity impatiently tugs at my sleeve.  “He’s stared so far up his metaphysical asshole, he’s completely lost touch with corporeal humanity.  All he says is ‘Whoa,’ while binge-watching Ancient Fucking Aliens.  I’m giving him an ultimatum:  I need…

You know me as an author, but to legions of thirsty soccer moms, I’m known as an award-winning He-Trollop.  Unfortunately, birthing cool-ass stories about sci-fi robots, psychedelically powered reality-warping teens, and fantasy-world portal adventures where a college kid’s dog transforms into a Wolven King…yeah, it doesn’t pay much.  Fortunately, selling my girthy ol’ upcurve does…

“Hey thanks for the invite.  I know I’m new to the Justice League, so I get how big of a deal this—”  As I open the door into Bruce Wayne’s penthouse, I jump back in shock.  “WHOA!  WHAT THE…” Batman, butt-ass naked except for his doofy-eared cowl, is facing away, hands folded behind his back,…

I’ve always wanted to incarnate as a Gray Alien traveler.  Buh-BAMSKIES—my dream came true! I’ve shed most of my past-life human persona (Kent Wayne) so I can wander the cosmos as a psionics-based lifeform, known to my peers as Zorbot Five.  After I completed my rookie probation, the bigwigs made me an ambassador to Earth. …

We’re naked and kneeling, hands cuffed behind our backs, lined up for Martha Stewart’s sadistic viewing pleasure.  With each step, her scrotum-shriveling armor clanks and pulses—it’s a blend of Sauron-edged layers and modular quantum tech. “You call yourselves Man Whores?” she sneers.  “Pathetic.  Look at this.”  She stops at Gosling and gives him a contemptuous…

I’ve finally attained Force Ghost status, but my traitorous peers have turned against me!  I thrash violently with my mind, trying to free my astral presence from their psionic lock, but they’ve pinned my ass to a space-time approximate. “What the FUCK?!?” I fume.  “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???” They avert their gazes.  Kenobi mutters,…

Damn, I’m writing up a storm!  The hamster in my brain has gone from piddling indifferently on its idea-generator wheel, to becoming an indomitable source for creative output.  If this were a movie, you’d see him go from being a cute lil’ jogger to a yoked-out beast—I’m talking eight pack abs, a steely-ass glare, and…