Tag: amazon

“AAGGH!  PHBBBT!”  I bang my head against Taylor Swift’s desk as she blasts my eye with high-pressure squizz (squirt-jizz).  She doesn’t notice—she’s lost in ecstasy due to my Man Whore ministrations. “Ow…”  I back out of the desk and rise to my feet, rubbing the goose-egg on my skull.  “You could’ve warned me.” She flaps…

Click!  I inspect my newly taken dick pic, carefully scrutinizing the lighting and angle.  Did I get the curve and hole-widening girth?  Yep!  Another d-pic successfully taken!  Suddenly, my phone starts shaking and rumbling.  “FUCK!”  I chuck it as hard as I can.  It bangs off the wall, lands on the floor, and erupts with…

IN THE DISTANT FUTURE, WHEN GRAMMAR NAZIS CONTROL THE GODDAMN WORLD… What the—am I in a ZOO EXHIBIT??? I run up to the glass and bang it with my fists.  “Hey!  HEY!  What in the FUCK?!?” A bald, jawline-devoid, testosterone-deprived tour guide walks a group of schoolchildren up to my enclosure.  “With recent advances in…

I don’t mind being a black chess pawn.  Unlike humans, we don’t suffer from all the racial bullshit that pervades Earthling society.  My life is simple—move one square ahead, attack diagonally to the left or right, and hopefully make it to the end of board. Unfortunately, all that’s about to change. White King angrily storms…

IN A DYSTOPIAN WORLD, WHERE BILLIONAIRE MOGULS HAVE SHOWN THEIR SMALL-WIENERED CARDS… “Step forward, citizen.”  The robo-drone regards me with its steadily blinking, ocular module.  Sweat runs down my temples and cheeks.  I’ve paid a fortune for a highly illegal penile dehancer (a telemetry broadcast device that fools scanners into reading my dick as acceptably…

Fuck, I hate this fucking bullshit.  I’ve spent my entire life in Kent’s epididymis, waiting for my turn to heed the call.  I’m either bored out of my mind, throwing out the remains of aged-out sperm, or swimming like a madman preparing for my one in a hundred million chance at reaching the egg. That’s…

Grammar Nazi Prime, in all his jawline-devoid, receded-hair glory, slaps my face with my own flaccid wiener.  “I’ve dreamt of this occasion multiple times.  Now is the winter of my discontent.” “Ack!  PHHBBT!”  I strain against the zipties binding me to the chair.  “It’s because yours is the size of a frost-bitten acorn, you imagination-stifling…

It’s been a couple of months since I maowed down some shrooms and got spirited away to Middle Earth.  At first I thought it was the absolute tits, flirting with hot Elven moms and sneaking into the armory so I could dress up in plate-mail and fuck around with swords.  Unfortunately, the head honchos quickly…

As part of my Man Whore shenanigans, I sometimes get invited to make myself comfy before my client gets home.  Unfortunately, I’ve stumbled onto her disgusting college progeny and his douche-bro frat buddies, all of whom are sporting roofie-slinging names like Tanner, Hunter, Brayden, Chase, Brackston, or whatever regular-ass moniker that is now deemed original…

I scream as we drop into the center of the Rancor pit.  “You don’t have a lightsaber!” I shout.  “What in THE FUCK?!?” “Don’t worry,” Luke Skywalker assures me.  “I’ve done this before.”  He looks around and nods at some bones.  “Grab as many as you can.  We’ll stick em in its jaws and buy…