“I’m tired of you, Chris.  Get the fuck out of here.”  Martha Stewart flaps a dismissive hand at the older Hemsworth brother. 

“What???  No!  Martha, please!”  He drops to his knees and pleads with interlaced hands.  “I’ve been your Man Whore for over a decade!”  He throws me a Death Glare.  “What the fuck does HE have that I don’t?”

“Get the fuck up.”  She jams her fingers in his nostrils and forces him to rise.  “Look at this!”  She yanks off his pants and points at his crotch with an accusatory knife-hand.  “The head of your cock doesn’t even go past the balls!  That’s why they’re always dotted with pee, YOU ROIDED-OUT PIECE OF FIST-FUCKED BUTTHOLE!” 

“No, that’s just moisture from the ambient climate!”  He grabs some canned air off her desk and sprays it directly onto his nuts, making them shrink to raisin-like proportions.  “HNNNGHH!”  I can’t help but wince as he powers through the burn.  “Martha, my wiener’s long enough to clear the sack!  See?  All it takes is a little—”

“Now look at THIS!”  She shloops my beach-shorts off my piece.  It dangles and bounces like a bungee-corded heavy bag, jumping back and forth between my knees.  “Not only does it go past the balls, he can suck his own dick without bending over!”

I rub the back of my neck and give a nervous chuckle.  “Not sure about that, but—”

“Shut the fuck up.”  She turns on her heel and strides out the door.  “Gotta bake up some cupcakes for network TV.  When I get back, I want you naked, Kent.  Chris, you better be gone, or I’ll carve off your nuts with a blunt wooden spoon.”

VROOM!  She guns her motorcycle and drives off her compound.

Chris keeps spraying his withered little scrotum.  “Gotta…make em…SMALLER…”  Sweat beads off his vein-lined brow.

I pull up my shorts and glance at the star.  “Hey man, I don’t think that’s what she meant by—”

“Oh SHUT THE FUCK UP!”  He chucks the can at me.  I fling up my hands as it flies past my head.  “You’re the reason she rejected my penis!”  He grabs a katana off her wall and starts tromping toward me.  “You think I’m gonna let her just cast me aside?  Think again, asshole!  Fuck you—”  He flips the bird right at my face.  “And fuck YOU!”  He flips it again at the bulge in my crotch.  “We’ll see what she thinks once I chop you in half!”

Holy shit.  This chemically enhanced, small-dicked gorilla is about to bisect my goddamn womb-hammer.  Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Martha’s Harley revs and growls, increasing in volume with alarming speed.  “What the—”  Chris looks toward the sound and whispers, “No,” as the shadow of Martha and her motorcycle darken the foyer’s arched glass window.  A second later, she busts through the glass like a turbocharged rocket, blasting heavy metal riffs from her customized speakers:  meh-neh-meh-neh MEH, meh-neh-meh-neh MEH!

Chris manages to squeal, “Martha plea—” before she drives the Harley into his gut, piledriving him into the opposite wall.  Blood spurts from his parted lips, his eyes go red with burst capillaries. 

“The fuck did I tell you?” she snarls, hopping off her bike and grabbing both his legs.  “Thanksgiving wishbone, motherfucker!”

“Thanksgiving what?”  He coughs up another goober of blood.  “Wait, Martha, DON’T—”

She spreads her arms and arches back like the Hulk, ripping both his legs out of their femoral sockets.  “RUAAAAAAHHH!  MARTHA SMASH!”  She commences beating the shit out of him with his torn-off limbs. 

Mother of FUCK!  Gotta get out of there while the getting’s still good!  (I’ll come back later when she’s jonesin’ for a Man Whore.)

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has some roided-out he-slut failed the dick-past-the-balls test, and decided to take his pee-on-the-sack anger out on your knee-knocking womb-hammer?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Martha on wheels, and bludgeon him to death with his ripped-off legs!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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