My ex kicks me out of her moving car.  Asphalt bites into my shoulders and ribs—OW, FUCK, MOTHER OF SHIT—before I come to a stop in the ratty-ass weeds.  It takes me an hour of wriggling and squirming, but I finally worm free of the ties around my wrists. 

Fuck, that hurt.  I stand up and look around.  This place is teeming with life, but not in a good way.  Any second now, some giant lizard or fist-sized bug is gonna jump out of the bush and—

“Well look what we have here.”  A pot-bellied militia-guy emerges from the brush.  He’s kitted out in high-end armor, tacti-cool pouches, and a rifle that’s tripled in natural weight, due to all the scopes, lasers, and the chainsaw-bayonet hanging off its end. 

I take a shot in the dark.  “Zeke?”

“HOW’D YEW KNOW?”  His rifle snaps up.

“Whoa!”  I thrust my hands in the air.  “Lucky guess, man!”

Three of his friends emerge from the treeline.  One of them says, “Got dibs on the mouth.”

“Yew might be a Chinese spy.”  Zeke’s eyes narrow in suspicion. 

“Korean-American, actually.  My parents—”

“WHUTEVER!” he roars.  “YEW CAN STILL BE A SPY!”

I shrug in defeat.  “That’s true, but—”

“Only one way to tell.”  He jerks his chin at my crotch.  “Gotta see if yer circumcised.  Now lemme see that sexy Chinese penis.”

My brow furrows in concern.  “Yeah, that’s not a thing.  You’re probably thinking about—”

“LEMME SEE IT!”

Shit.  These guys are straight out of a Tarantino horror flick.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

One of the hillbillies yells, “The FUCK—” before a sickening crack rings through the air, and he drops to the ground with his head canted back at an impossible angle.  Full-auto fire chatters and blazes, targeting Chuck Norris as he darts away from his broken-necked prey, accelerates into a circular sprint, and—

“EEEEHHHH-HOOOOO!!!” 

—roundhouse kicks one of them so fucking hard that his skull rockets clean off his neck, and pinball-ricochets off five different trees.  His buddy screams, “HOLY FUCK!” and ejects his mag.  Before he can click a new one in, Chuck runs up to him and punts him in the crotch.  Blood jets out the hillbilly’s ears, his eyes go red with burst vessels, and his gory nuts shoot out from his mouth.

Chuck points at the hillbilly leader.  “That is MY sexy Chinese penis!”

I clear my throat.  “Korean-American, actually—”

He swivels in my direction and snaps, “Quit messin’ with my damn intellectual!”  He turns around to address the hillbilly leader, who’s raising his trembling hands and trying not to cry.  “Now.  Me n’ Kent are gonna strip nekkid and stare at ourselves in the mirror while we get our pump on with some extra grunty bicep curls.  Right, Kent?  Right?!?  KENT!  OH, COME ON—YOU GODDAMN COMMUNIST PUSSY!”

I’m already running away.  Fuck that shit. 

Has your ex ditched you in the backwoods of Florida, and left you to fend for yourself against a bunch of deviant militia-larpers?  Never fear!  Buy my books, use their magical powers to summon psycho Chuck Norris, and watch him mutilate their bodies with his legendary roundhouse kicks!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Paperback here:  Weapons of Old, paperback.  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Wait—what?  Men are spontaneously dropping dead?  Wait—WHAT?  I’m the last one alive?  Hold on—ZZRP—I just got teleported into a stadium-full of women, and they’re swarming me like fast-zombies from World War Z, leaping through the air with their mouths fully open, in an attempt to encompass my girthy upcurve?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

THANK YOU, GOD!!!

48 HOURS LATER…

Murrgh…need electrolytes…brain function…dropping…

Grammar Nazi Prime folds his hands behind his back, striding beside me and dipping his chin.  “Well.  What have we here.  The great author and award-winning Man Whore, rendered helpless by nonstop ejaculation.”

Urg.  Rog.  No think good.  Me look like zombie.  I once run and jump, eat Cheeto and dorito.  Now I lay down.  No eat.  No chew.  Too tired. 

“HA!”  He throw head back.  Laugh loud.  “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier!  Bought down by your greatest strength—your juicy veiny thick-ass upcurve!”

(Hm.  Seem like more description than necessary).

“Anyways,” he continue.  “Look at it now!”  He gesture with hand.

I look down at wiener.  Now look like burnt hamster tail.  No.  NO.  How could eighth wonder of world turn into blackened tiny nub???  Must do something.  Must act NOW.

I open eReader to Kent Wayne novel, activating special reality-bending power.  Magic flash. 

“God DAMMIT!”  Grammar Nazi Prime takes off running. 

My wiener expands a dozen yards, sweeping him off his feet and entangling his ankles. 

“No!”  He tries clawing the floor, but to no avail—I slowly but steadily drag him back toward me.  “PLEASE!”  Tears line his cheeks as he yanks on his legs, desperately trying to free them from my brutish womb-hammer. 

It shoots up his body, breaking joints and drawing screams as it wraps tightly around his knees and hips, his spine and arms.  As a uniquely phallic coup de grace, it shloops tightly over his dome, enveloping his head in its smeg-ridden folds. 

“AHGODNO!”  As smoke erupts from the hellish peen-helmet, a high-pitched shriek erupts from within.  “EEEEEEEEEEEEE—”  A second later, it abruptly cuts off.  My wiener retracts, revealing Grammar Nazi Prime’s flesh-stripped skull, smoking and ridden with slow-crawling embers. 

I hiss awkwardly through my clenched teeth.  Yeah he was a douche, but…

Nope!  That’s what you get for trynna turn my love of vajeen into a goddamn deathtrap!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

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Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Paperback here:  Weapons of Old, paperback.  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing