As I plop down in front of my laptop, I clap my hands and rub em together.  Guess what time it is?  It’s JERKIN’ TIME!!!

Here we go.  Myfriendshotmom dot com, milfaf, cougarsontheprowl…how many tabs?  ALL THE TABS!  How many windows?  ALL THE WINDOWS!

Foul-smelling smoke drifts up from my screen.  That’s how I know it’s good and ready. 

In a matter of seconds, sperm is flying through my condo, plastering the walls and regrouting the tiles.  After my eighth or ninth blast, I notice something weird—the women in my videos…they’re pregnant?  I start shutting windows as fast as I can, sweating buckets as I work the shaft and cradle the balls.  What the fuck IS this?  I didn’t put pregnancy in the goddamn search engi—

“HO HO HO!”  Satan materializes behind me.  “You think you can procrastinate on your writing and jerk off to milfs?  WITNESS THE FRUITS OF YOUR MILF-BORN INIQUITY!” 

Right as he vanishes, the women on screen start to give birth.  Man Child babies, all spawned from Man Child Prime (that would be me) begin shooting out of their burgeoning cooters.  My laptop tips over and starts fritzing with lightning.  Holy shit—their babies ARE CRAWLING OUT OF THE SCREEN!

They immediately spout poop and noxious-ass vomit.  Good God, is this what it’s like to deal with a miniature me?  One of them charges right at my balls, galloping on all fours and gnashing its teeth.  Right as it leaps at me and howls like a demon—RRRRRRRAAAHHH—I pivot sideways and slap it away, causing it to spin in the air and crash into a lamp. 

“This was your HOME!” I heft my sack and look in its eyes, struggling to hold back tears of disbelief.  “Why would you try to crush your own HOME???”

In response, it snarls and hisses.  There’s nothing there—just an overwhelming desire to defile and destroy.  Fuck it, no options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

I can feel it in my gut—a ghost-pepper burrito.  I scan the horde of mini-Kents, gritting my teeth and flexing my ass.  “You asked for it.  Here it comes, you mindless little fucks.”

BEEEEOOOORRRRRRRRR

If this were a contest between me and Gimli (when he’s blowing the big-ass horn at Helm’s Deep), he’d stop mid-blow, regard me with astonishment, and whisper, “By all that is holy upon Middle Earth.”  My death-fart expands into a baleful green mist.  Wherever it lands, paint peels and wood rots.  The effect on their flesh is just as horrific—mini-Kents flail and scream in agony.  The ones on the ceiling drop to the floor, writhing in pain and cursing up a storm.  The ones in the walls bust out and clutch their throats, gurgling and spitting as they try to catch their breath.  Pretty soon, they’re reduced to puddles of bubbling flesh. 

Christ.  I know that’s not indicative of everyone’s kids.  But when it comes to yours truly, a consummate man-child and award winning Man Whore…

Yeah.  It’s better to just stick to writing fiction. 

Has Satan given you a reminder that you need to quit jerking it and get back to writing?  Never fear!  Buy my books, tap their reality-bending powers, and destroy Satan’s spawn with a city-killing fart!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Yes, that’s it, Kent…”  Professor X’s furrowed brow gets extra furrowed as he intently oversees my mutant power training.  “Control it…CONTROL IT…”

“NYAARGH!”  My wiener slips away and boi-oi-oings around the Danger Room, smashing and cracking the walls and deck.  “God DAMMIT!”  I sink to my knees and hammer-fist the floor.  “Why have I been cursed with this upcurved girth monster?  WHY???”

Jean Grey places a hand on my shoulder.  “It’s okay, Kent.  We all had trouble controlling our gifts.”  She glances at my peen, clears her throat, and flushes bright red.  “Yours is…mmm…”  She closes her eyes and starts playing with her neck line.  “Mm mm MMM…”

“The fuck are you doing???”  Wolverine busts in and levels a finger at Jean.  “You said his cartoonishly big womb-hammer didn’t turn you on!  Jean, we talked about—”

“What are YOU doing???”  Cyclops busts in and levels a finger at Wolverine.  “Stop trying to fuck my wife!  She used to smell good—now she smells like a wad of wet rotten carpet!”

“Whose problem is that, bub?”  Wolverine turns around and unsheathes his claws—SHING.  “Back the fuck off or I’m gonna shish-kebab that clit you try to pass off as your cock!”

As Cyclops raises a hand to his visor, his lips quiver with rage.  Holy fuck—if I don’t do something, these two are gonna kill each other.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Control of my wiener—finally!  I sweep Cyclops off his feet with the glans, then snake it around his neck and choke him unconscious.  Wolverine leaps at the shaft, claws raised—hhrRAAAGHH—but I mushroom-stamp him thrice, whap-pap-papping him into a senseless daze.  Then I shloop my headskin onto his face and melt it off by secreting smeg from the folds.  He’d probably scream his ass off if he still had a working mouth and brain.

“I said God DAMN!”  Jean wipes off drool with the back of her wrist.  “Need to get me some a’ that sau-SEEJ!”  As she telekinetically flies us off, I start humming the X-men theme from the ’90s animated series.  Never thought it would herald a session of hole-widening pleasure, but don’t buy a gift horse when your dick’s getting sucked, or however that saying goes.  You know what I mean. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have Cyclops and Wolverine erupted with small-dick energy and threatened your chances to hook up with Jean?  Never fear!  Buy my books, destroy them with your genitals, then seduce Jean into an ecstatic widening!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Grammar Nazi Prime races ahead of me.  “Victory is mine!”  He snatches Aladdin’s Lamp and gives me the finger.  “Now you will pay for besmirching grammar and diction!”

“Wait!”  I extend a hand.  “You don’t have to—” 

The lamp emits a blinding flash.

AFTER SPACE-TIME CALMS BACK DOWN…

What the…someone taped me to the back of a chair.  HRRHHH!  I strain as hard as I can, but the duct tape holds. 

CLOP.  CLOP.  CLOP.  Soccer moms filter into the warehouse, clopping their heels against the bare cement floor. 

“Thank God!” I gasp.  “I’ve serviced half of you as a grade-A Man Whore!  Cut this tape off and—”

“Shut it!”  One of them smacks me across the face, then knocks the wind out of me with a painful body hook. 

I turn to the side and hock up blood.  “Why…why did you…”

Grammar Nazi Prime steps into view and folds his hands behinds his back.  “It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.  Allow me to demonstrate.”  He yanks my pants down to my ankles.

The soccer moms immediately erupt into laughter.  “Look at that cartoonishly humongous penis—who would want to get serviced by THAT?”

At first I think it’s a twisted joke.  Then it dawns on me.  ‘It’s a different world, Kent.  Literally.’

“That’s right.”  His lips spread wide in a bloodless grin.  “Big wieners are considered unattractive.”

“Aladdin’s lamp…”  My eyes widen in abject horror.  “You UNCONSCIONABLE FUCK!”

He grips me by the neck.  “Do you know what it’s like…”  He bares his teeth in a murderous snarl.  “To have to jerk off with a pair of special grippy tweezers?  To be jealous of a winter-shrunken GODDAMN HAMSTER’S TAIL???”

I can’t help but snort with laughter.  “Hamster tail?  Bro, I figured it would at least be equal to a goddamn gerbil’s but—”

“ENOUGH!”  He raises a chainsaw and starts the motor.  RRMM RRMM RRRMMMM!!!  “THIS ENDS NOW!”

Holy FUCK.  Never, EVER piss off a small-wienered Grammar Nazi!  No options left.  So I put every ounce of muscle into breaking free of the tape—skkRIIP!—then reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My wiener grows to T-Rex proportions, eclipsing Grammar Nazi Prime’s face with its helmet-headed shadow. 

He looks up and whispers, “Mother of G—”

That’s all he manages before it rockets down, mashing him into the concrete floor.  Simultaneously, the soccer moms snap out of it and swarm my frenulum, peppering it with fervent hugs and kisses. 

Ain’t nothin’ better than a passionate frenulum-hug—Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!  😀

Have hamster-penised malcontents turned the world upside down, and brainwashed the populace into hating your genitals?  Never fear!  Buy my books, grow a tyranno-peen, and mash them into the goddamn dirt! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing