Perhaps abundance is not defined by resources, but through unrealized possibilities. Maybe there’s always a way to pull a benefit out of unpleasantness, defying odds, expectations, and ironclad beliefs.

I’ve swung from denying negativity, to accepting to it, to allowing it (allowing it, in my opinion, is different from acceptance in that it doesn’t immediately assign it a fixed quality or quantification, which is what usually happens when I accept. Allowance just lets it be, without intellectual categorization).

Allowing it, in my experience, expands my internal space and room to focus. At a certain point I can reframe it as I please–it’s a part of me, but it isn’t all of me. I don’t have to identify with it using my entire being, to the point where it consumes me with stress and pessimism.

As soon as we’re born, we’re pushed and pulled by countless conditions, originating from biology, society, and circumstance. For much of my life, I viewed this in a resentful light, as a series of obligations I never asked for. Then, after I railed against the world for several decades, I began to play with the idea that maybe I HAD asked for this, through some nameless piece of myself that defied quantification. So I began to view my life as an immersive game, one that eventually had to end.

Maybe I asked for this, maybe I didn’t. All I know is it’s way more fun when I frame it as a game, than a bunch of mandatory busy work or duties or obligations, shored up by various forms of negative reinforcement.

Perhaps we are born with internal guidance–a compass that transcends external metrics, that can guide us through societal standards, and let us know when to conform or diverge. Perhaps fulfillment isn’t dependent on chasing metric after metric, checking off box after box, and is more a function of conscious allowance: settling into the present moment, and letting this guidance make itself known.

If that’s the case, I believe it could be simultaneously individualist and egalitarian–it could give each individual customized guidance, while imbuing everyone in the collective with equal capability to live a fulfilling life. This possibility, more than anything else, makes that premise particularly attractive to me. For in its breadth, it holds the promise of true abundance–one based on an abundance of possibility–which allows for improbabilities (and perhaps seeming impossibilities) to exist without reflexive dismissal.

Many seem intent on condemning themselves, even though they’re with that same self every hour of every day; through ingestion, excretion, every second of sleep, and in other private moments. No one but you sees the entirety of your existence, from mundane to profound to exciting to routine.

I’d rather not spend energy beating myself up, especially since I’m with myself 24/7. In my opinion, that’s working against my own intentions–it’s like needlessly tensing an opposing muscle, when I’m actively trying to contract its counterpart. I understand the need for introspection and course correction, but all too often in my past, I let that spiral into self-flagellation.

My view of abundance is that it isn’t just about resources and time, but an abundance of possibility–I believe good can become bad, but more importantly, that bad can become good.

Practically, that boils down to staying present and open, so my creativity, imagination, and spontaneous inspiration can sync with my perception and plans. Instead of restricting myself with preconceived stories about how it has to be, or how it’s going to be, I like to remain conscious of potential and flow.

I used to put great weight in originality, until I realized everything is original by default. (Even if there’s seemingly a repetitive event, nothing has occurred in the exact same universal configuration of particles and energy). So i shifted focus to whether something felt personally engaging–whether its tone and delivery sparked inspiration and resonance. Who cares if something is original, if it’s completely lifeless and devoid of spirit?

Maybe everything has happened before. Maybe it hasn’t. I’m not concerned. I’ll leave the tallying, scorekeeping, and justifying to someone more fussy.

How much do I want to loathe and condemn, in search of an abstract promised land that hides behind unending problems, supposedly deserving of my unending hate?

I hope not as much as I want to be present, and framing our transient and mysterious existence as adventure, opportunity, and healthy engagement with growth and challenge. Because that’s how I experience the most fulfillment.

For much of my life, I reveled in the seeming power of righteous anger, channeling my intellect and creativity into fiery condemnations. After a while, I began to notice the toll it took on my sleep and well-being, paired with a nonstop churn of dissatisfaction and lack. And then I decided I wasn’t meant to live that way, that I’m worth more than that. While anger must be felt and processed, I no longer believe it must be deliberately inflamed, through constant definition, categorization, and judgment. I can feel that rage, make peace with it, allow it to reintegrate, and get back to doing something productive.

I’ve paid all kinds of tributes in the quest for fulfillment. Time, money, pain, worry…as the years pass, I’ve become increasingly convinced that it’s more about letting myself relax into the present moment, rather than forcing the present moment to fit into preconceived criteria.