What the superspy-battle is happening, all you chic lethal assassins who’ve accosted your mortal nemesis in a high-rise elevator made of glass and steel and custom-built alloy, you’re exchanging punches/elbows/knees in the clinch and avoiding wild swipes with exotic knives while looking hella badass in your highly fashionable GQ businesswear, on pure instinct you hit him in the solar plexus causing him to gag and struggle for air, a second later you see a way to end this fight and end bust through the overhead hatch, pull down your pants and undies in one fell swoop, and unleashing the mother of all farts into the elevator cabin, your opponent starts screaming and begging for his mother, tears stream down your cheeks as you realize no one should die like this but what can you do the guy was trying to fucking stab you, holy shit your gaseous beefer is causing the metal to rust and the paint to peel, the inside of the elevator now resembles a decrepit-ass holdover from a civilization that’s several decades into a zombie apocalypse, meanwhile, your opponent is crying and whispering, begging you to stop, you break out in sobs because this is more inhumane than when that German stabbed the American at the end of Saving Private Ryan and gently shushed him as the knife went in and the life left his body—

What in the FUCK!  Just work on your overhand right or hit him with a liver shot!  Jesus fucking Christ!   

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  Paperback here:  Weapons of Old, paperback.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

What the butt-card-swipe is happening, all you disgruntled mofos who have that ONE ANNOYING FRIEND who thinks it’s the HEIGHT OF FUCKING HILARITY to wait until your asscrack is exposed and jump in with their credit card so they can slide unforgiving plastic down your butt and over the bisected wrinkles of your fear-puckered dirt star, unbeknownst to them you’ve prepared a trap and eaten several dozen ghost pepper burritos, a jar of sauerkraut, and a couple bites of some decomposing rodent, just so when they try and pull their ass-swiping bullshit, you’re cocked, locked, and ready to—

—PUUUuuhhhh…—

The hissy fart takes them by complete surprise, causing them to straighten up and blink in confusion, the next instant they’re gagging and clutching their goddamn throat, sobbing and wailing, “It kills, it KILLS!”  A moment later they’re seizing on the ground like a fish out of water, holy shit you didn’t mean to put them in mortal fucking danger, you try and give them CPR but the neighbors already called SWAT so you slip out the window like Jason fucking Bourne and navigate your way around a high-rise corner as floodlights hit you and a megaphoned voice demands that you get back indoors and lay on your belly, the WHUP-WHUP-WHUP of helicopter rotors drowns everything out and aggressive techno-music kicks into gear as you realize that life as you know it is fucking OVER, you’re a goddamn fugitive, an enemy of the state—

Jesus Christ, man!  Just butt-swipe ’em back or draw a dick on their face!  You don’t need to become a 90s action trope!  Mother of FUCK!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

What the spider-monkey doggy-style is happening, all you sexual black belts who’re hitting it from behind while hunched over like Gollum, clenching your teeth as your sack bounces off the clit and elicits a series of ego-spiking moans, suddenly your left hamstring cramps the fuck up, veins pop out on your temples as you grunt-scream HRRRHHH and diligently keep thrusting, shit you’ve maxed out your electrolytes, the needle’s edging out of the red into the section labeled IMPENDING DOOM, doesn’t fucking matter, you gotta keep—OH-DEAR-JESUS there goes your other hamstring!  You throw your head back in silent agony, sinews on your neck straining like they’re about to burst like overtightened cables, mouth foaming like a rabid dog, a demonic-sounding gargle slips out from your mouth and she asks what’s wrong that’s the STRAW THAT BREAKS THE CAMEL’S BACK YOU START UGLY-CRYING LIKE WILL FERRELL AT HIS MID-2000S BEST—

What in the FUCK?!?  You gotta trains for them shits, fool!  No one attempts spider-monkey doggy-style without a solid carb-load and a three-month fight camp where you train to fuck like a kyphotic gargoyle!  Jesus fucking Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

What the Fart Pact is happening, all you covenant-breakers who’re sitting in a group of mildly-well-acquainted folks who are all wrinkling their noses and pretending not to notice because one of you—ONE OF YOU—just tried to sneak a silent one past the group but it fell fucking short and now all of you are trying not to claw at your throats and gasp-whisper, “It kills, it kills,” but you decide it’s silly, these people need to stop being a bunch of uptight pearl-clutchers so you lift a leg, flex your sphincter, and—

BEEEOOOORRRR

—cut loose with a beefer that would make Gimli at Helm’s Deep stop mid horn-blow and murmur, “By the Mountains of Thrainor,” but it doesn’t have the intended effect, people break down crying or thrashing and twitching in mouth-foaming seizures, guns snap up and movie-red lasers dance across your face you raise your hands and scream, “YOU ALL WANTED TO TRY IT—I JUST HAD THE BALLS TO ACTUALLY DO IT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT COWARDS” they’re calling you beast, animal, you’re a goddamn traitor to peace and humanity—

Control those sphincter muscles, you sociopathic deathbringer!  Jesus fucking Christ—why would you want to speed up the goddamn apocalypse?!?

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

What the apocta-beej is happening, all you supposedly lucky mofos who’re the recipient of a hoover-like mouth attached to a jackhammer neck and holy shit it’s causing you to see angels and interdimensionals and the unshaven b-hole of long-lost deities, simultaneously, unbeknownst to you, some frantic scientist in the depths of a super-secret underground base pushes his glasses up his nose, rechecks his calculations and whispers, “No…this can’t be right,” before tearing through the halls screaming call the generals, call the President, that blowjob will rip a hole in our space-time continuum!!!  But it’s way too late a miasmic portal is opening in the sky, tears of horror trickle down your cheeks as its unholy center widens and blossoms and gives birth to a nameless terror that roars with a voice that would make Cthulu whimper and go cry in the corner—

Fuckhole on RYE!  THAT, my friends, is why you don’t blast your wiener with a machine-gun-like apocta-beej!  Slow it down, draw it out, and enjoy that mouth!  Jesus fucking Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy series, the Unbound Realm.  Volume 1 is A Door into Evermoor.  Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  I’ve just published volume 2:  Weapons of Old  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀