Obviously, the person I have to spend the most time with in my life is myself.

So it would make sense to be fair to myself, to guide myself toward positivity and a life worth living, not just in retrospect, but also moment to moment, by being as present as I can. To let self-hate dwindle and fade away, and filter out criticism that doesn’t serve my long-term fulfillment. To not waste excess time or consideration on folks that try and stand out by dimming others, because deep down they are insecure and scarcity-minded–they cling to and defend the falsehood that they themselves can’t shine any brighter–and believe they have to drown others in shadow for their own light to be seen.

I might get a sendoff, but no one will experience my death but me. When it happens, I’d like to think I won’t see my most constant companion–me–as an incessant malicious tormenting demon. That instead, I can count him as a great friend and good-hearted equal.

The urge to prove my worth (or sneer at someone else’s) has caused me to miss out on much of my life. In my mind, worth is a given, which is why I suspect Buddha didn’t justify his worth in Mara’s third challenge–if he tried to justify it, he would have implicitly acknowledged that his existential worth was dependent on external judgment.

So I can choose to focus on the amorphous, ever-subjective concept of worth, mine or another’s, or focus on releasing internal resistance and internal struggle. I’ve found that to be my priority nowadays–not so much learning and striving (for what reason, exactly, in this possibly infinite existence where I’ll be another iteration of stardust in the cosmic blink of an eye?), but unrestrainedly experiencing the present-moment unfolding of events, even if that may appear to be learning or strife.

When I realized my happiness wasn’t necessarily dependent on circumstance (by being miserable in “good” conditions and happy in “bad” ones), I began thinking of it as my responsibility. Then I thought of it as my right. Then I thought of it as my choice. Then I realized I didn’t need to think about it, I could just appreciate the moment and leave it be.

Everything will die or transform into something unrecognizable soon enough, so I’ll try and appreciate the wordless transcendence that makes itself felt whenever I’m present, and work with the clues that I’ve been given.

For me, the optimal state of growth entails a steady, positive focus on what’s in front of me. There’s no self-flagellation, jealousy of those with status and/or success, or sneering at any with less fortune. Just an easy and open regard of how I can perform as best I can.

If I win or lose, so be it. I’m after that flow and absorption, because in the end, we all die anyway; harmonizing with the moment is what I have found to be most enjoyable.

I don’t believe discipline is a masochistic ritual where I constantly force myself to do what I hate (which I have spent decades doing), it’s consistently focusing on being in touch with my feelings and dreams, staying oriented around what makes me happy in the long run, following up on leads and hunches that might arise from that vantage. Sometimes, there’s pain and inconvenience along the way, but if I prioritize my clarity and perspective, the speedbumps can be weirdly enjoyable and amusing.

Ultimately, I wouldn’t call that discipline. To me, it’s simply living how I want.

We have to endure a certain amount of compromise, a certain amount of suffering, but is that why we’re here? Are we born so we can flaunt our grit and determination and our ability to bear increasingly bigger crosses?

If you enjoy that, then by all means do it. But I think enjoyment is key; my brief stay on an inconsequential mudball in the blackness of space seems kind of wasteful if I can’t enjoy myself.

The currents guide and influence my path, but I can row and steer in any direction. And if I choose, I can perceive life as an ocean instead of a river. But at that point, words fail to describe what I’m talking about. Even “transcendence” is a verbal abstraction, barely touching on what it implies.

The difference may be small, but I’d rather focus on letting in solutions than letting go of the problem. In my experience, I can always find a problem to let go of, or I can give a solution room to crystallize in my perspective.

For a while I lived a checklist life. And it was fulfilling at first–I had fun learning the basics and applying them to my everyday routine.

But then it became increasingly mechanical. Eventually, I stopped worrying so much about checking the boxes. Instead I try and direct my focus onto an easy enjoyment of life as it unfolds.

Fighting negativity only seems to make more negative. I used to fight it until exhaustion and apathy took over, leaving me too tired to fight. And in that free-floating apathy, I naturally drifted up into positivity.

These days, if I’m feeling negative, I remind myself that I don’t need to fight it–I don’t need to care about it. In the long run, everything dies or changes to the point where it becomes unrecognizable. If I’m constructively utilizing this line of thought, I skip straight to apathy, where I can easily drift back into positivity. Works for me, maybe not for everybody.