I’m jogging through a quiet neighborhood, when suddenly I see the street up ahead blocked by a line of strollers, manned by angry parents.  WTF?  I slow to a trot, then a walk.  One of the moms points at me.  “BOW BEFORE CONFORMITY, FOOLISH WRITER!”  All of them slam down levers on their strollers and catapult…

Metrosexuals have taken over the world.  They’ve stripped me naked and fixed me to a vertical rack, stretching my body across a set of wooden rollers.  They’ve covered me in waxing cream and plastered waxing strips over every inch of my body.  RIIIIIIIPPP!  I scream as a giant tract of hair flies off me.  They…

I’m at an office function, bored out of my mind.  I notice the boss glaring at me.  “What?” I ask.  He whispers into his collar.  Suddenly, a trap door opens beneath me, and I’m falling into a fiery pit.  I grab the sides of craggy rock walls as hellish updrafts wash across my skin, instantly making…