“I was just here to learn Dark Side lightning! You can fuck all the way off with the rest of your angry incel bullshit!”
“WHAT???” Palpatine, Vader, and Darth Maul fix me with furious glares.
The Emperor sputters, “You think you can just half-ass your apprenticeship and—GET OVER HERE!”
“Holy FUCK!” As I take off running, I narrowly duck a bolt of energy. Darth Maul kick-jumps off a nearby column, then swipes at me with his two-headed light-dildo. I stumble sideways, barely managing to avoid its tip, then dive into a roll as Vader flies in with a downward chop.
“THERE’S NOWHERE TO RUN,” Vader intones through his cock-breathed modulator. “I HAVE YOU NOW.” He grips the air with his hand, lifting me up off the ground and telekinetically squeezing my pendulous balls.
“Ah—SHIT!” My limbs spread into a levitating crucifix. God, it feels like someone’s whacking my nuts with an apocalypse-ready baseball bat! “You’re supposed to choke my throat, not my clit-hammers!”
“YOU ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT—YOU THINK EVERYONE HAS A GORGEOUS SET OF HANGERS THAT CAN STIMULATE CLITS WHEN YOU’RE HITTING IT DOGGY STYLE? I BARELY HAVE A GODDAMN COCK!”
“Whose fault is that?” I rasp. “You could have lived out your days with a super hot princess, but you chose to go full-on psycho! Fuck around and find out, you dick-helmeted piece of shit!”
“QUIET!” He squeezes my nuts, eliciting an agonized howl from the depths of my soul.
Fuck it. No options left. I rip an arm free of his telekinesis, then reach into my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.
The lights in the Star Destroyer abruptly cut out. Vader releases me and fires up his saber.
“What the fuck?” Darth Maul looks irritably around. “Who would dare? Show yourself!”
A woman starts humming the Darth Vader theme. “Duh, duh, duh, Duh duh-duh, Duh duh-duh…”
Vader swings from side to side. “I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M GONNA—”
Martha Stewart jumps out from the shadows, ripping both arms off the Sith-twisted cyborg. He screams in agony, just like in the third shitty prequel—“NOOOOOOOO!!!”—before she starts beating the absolute shit out of him with both appendages. In a matter of seconds, his mechanical body is dented and smashed beyond all recognition.
“Stay back! Back, damn you!” Emperor Palpatine edges away, fingers crackling with Dark Side power. Darth Maul follows suit, holding his lightsaber out with a trembling hand.
Martha gives a dark chuckle. “After I was sentenced to federal prison, I dedicated every second to becoming a badass. Learned Dark Side lightning on my second day there. It’s not that you don’t have a chance…” She meets their eyes with a malicious grin.
“It’s that you never had one.”
Palpatine screams in rage and terror, throwing all his energy into a massive bolt. Martha swats it away with practiced ease, then extends her hand in a Force-choke gesture. Instead of cutting off the Emperor’s air, she telekinetically rips off his withered balls—SPLUTCH. Darth Maul turns to run, but Martha quickly swings her hand toward him, causing the Emperor’s balls to fly into Maul’s mouth.
“HKKK…” Maul drops to the ground and clutches his chest, struggling to breathe around the desiccated testicles. “So…CHEESY…”
“Shut up!” Palpatine yells, tears streaming down his sagging cheeks. He’s lying on the floor, clutching the void where his balls used to dangle. “I wash them on a daily—”
Martha blurs forward, chucks him a dozen feet up in the air, then bisects his body—starting at his anus—with a Force-powered uppercut.
I can’t help but gape as the bloody halves thud to the floor.
Martha, still facing away, cracks her neck in badass satisfaction. “Come on, Kent—take off your pants and pull out your wiener. Let’s put those clit-hammering balls to good use, shall we?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I squeak.
OH yeah! Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
Have you infiltrated the Sith so you can learn Dark Side lightning, only to be endangered by a shitty twist of fate? Never fear! Buy my books and summon Martha Stewart so she can beat the first one to death with his own fucking arms, choke the second one to death on the third one’s balls, then finish things off with an ass-splitting uppercut!
Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization!
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