“I was just here to learn Dark Side lightning!  You can fuck all the way off with the rest of your angry incel bullshit!”

“WHAT???”  Palpatine, Vader, and Darth Maul fix me with furious glares. 

The Emperor sputters, “You think you can just half-ass your apprenticeship and—GET OVER HERE!”

“Holy FUCK!”  As I take off running, I narrowly duck a bolt of energy.  Darth Maul kick-jumps off a nearby column, then swipes at me with his two-headed light-dildo.  I stumble sideways, barely managing to avoid its tip, then dive into a roll as Vader flies in with a downward chop.

“THERE’S NOWHERE TO RUN,” Vader intones through his cock-breathed modulator.  “I HAVE YOU NOW.”  He grips the air with his hand, lifting me up off the ground and telekinetically squeezing my pendulous balls.

“Ah—SHIT!”  My limbs spread into a levitating crucifix.  God, it feels like someone’s whacking my nuts with an apocalypse-ready baseball bat!  “You’re supposed to choke my throat, not my clit-hammers!”

“YOU ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT—YOU THINK EVERYONE HAS A GORGEOUS SET OF HANGERS THAT CAN STIMULATE CLITS WHEN YOU’RE HITTING IT DOGGY STYLE?  I BARELY HAVE A GODDAMN COCK!”

“Whose fault is that?” I rasp.  “You could have lived out your days with a super hot princess, but you chose to go full-on psycho!  Fuck around and find out, you dick-helmeted piece of shit!”

“QUIET!”  He squeezes my nuts, eliciting an agonized howl from the depths of my soul.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I rip an arm free of his telekinesis, then reach into my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.

The lights in the Star Destroyer abruptly cut out.  Vader releases me and fires up his saber.

“What the fuck?”  Darth Maul looks irritably around.  “Who would dare?  Show yourself!”

A woman starts humming the Darth Vader theme.  “Duh, duh, duh, Duh duh-duh, Duh duh-duh…”

Vader swings from side to side.  “I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M GONNA—”

Martha Stewart jumps out from the shadows, ripping both arms off the Sith-twisted cyborg.  He screams in agony, just like in the third shitty prequel—“NOOOOOOOO!!!”—before she starts beating the absolute shit out of him with both appendages.  In a matter of seconds, his mechanical body is dented and smashed beyond all recognition. 

“Stay back!  Back, damn you!”  Emperor Palpatine edges away, fingers crackling with Dark Side power.  Darth Maul follows suit, holding his lightsaber out with a trembling hand.

Martha gives a dark chuckle.  “After I was sentenced to federal prison, I dedicated every second to becoming a badass.  Learned Dark Side lightning on my second day there.  It’s not that you don’t have a chance…”  She meets their eyes with a malicious grin. 

“It’s that you never had one.”

Palpatine screams in rage and terror, throwing all his energy into a massive bolt.  Martha swats it away with practiced ease, then extends her hand in a Force-choke gesture.  Instead of cutting off the Emperor’s air, she telekinetically rips off his withered balls—SPLUTCH.  Darth Maul turns to run, but Martha quickly swings her hand toward him, causing the Emperor’s balls to fly into Maul’s mouth. 

“HKKK…”  Maul drops to the ground and clutches his chest, struggling to breathe around the desiccated testicles.  “So…CHEESY…”

“Shut up!” Palpatine yells, tears streaming down his sagging cheeks.  He’s lying on the floor, clutching the void where his balls used to dangle.  “I wash them on a daily—”

Martha blurs forward, chucks him a dozen feet up in the air, then bisects his body—starting at his anus—with a Force-powered uppercut. 

I can’t help but gape as the bloody halves thud to the floor.

Martha, still facing away, cracks her neck in badass satisfaction.  “Come on, Kent—take off your pants and pull out your wiener.  Let’s put those clit-hammering balls to good use, shall we?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I squeak.

OH yeah!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you infiltrated the Sith so you can learn Dark Side lightning, only to be endangered by a shitty twist of fate?  Never fear!  Buy my books and summon Martha Stewart so she can beat the first one to death with his own fucking arms, choke the second one to death on the third one’s balls, then finish things off with an ass-splitting uppercut!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“All right, Scorponok, time for you to settle in.”  I place my newly brought parrot in his expansive cage and double-check on his food and water. 

“Fuck you!” he screams.  “Fuck you with a rusty coat hanger!”

“Um…okay.”  I rub the back of my neck.  “That’s not polite.  Think we’ll give it a few weeks to see if we hit it off.  If not, I’ll try and get you some better digs.  Maybe an aviary or something.”

“Bow before Irma!” he screeches.  “Irma Horfendorff owns your cock!”

“Wait, how do you know my ex?”  My brow crinkles in puzzlement.  Suddenly, I notice a little antenna poking up from his skull.  “Hold on—you’re a machine?  What the fu—”

His eyes go blank with swamp-green light, then he launches himself into the cage’s tines, ripping through ’em with a savage twist of his robotic talons.  As I turn to run, he flits about my face and shoulders, pecking me with his beak and shouting, “Irma send her fucking regards!  Buy her diamonds!  Throw out your old t-shirts!  Start using coasters!”

“Ow!  Fuck!”  I blink and stumble, trying to ward off Scorponok with my bent-elbowed arms.  “Not only is the Kimberly Process a joke, the diamond market was built off a deceptive advertising campaign waged by DeBeers in 1938!  Plus, WE’RE BROKEN UP, GODDAMMIT!”

Scorponok settles on top of my mouth, prying my jaws open with his servo-powered talons.  “Prepare to eat some extra-stinky shit!  This is what you get for defying her will!”

“No!  NO!”  I collapse to the floor, trying to pull the attack-bird off my face.  It’s no use—my bis and tris are no match for the cyborg avian.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Just as his cloaca start to pulse, Soccer Mom Prime appears in a blast of interdimensional radiance, and hits him in the chest with a perfect wheel-kick. 

“Get the FUCK off my Man Whore!” 

Scorponok ricochets off the wall, squawks, then flutters his wings and flies out the window.  “Fuck you both!” he screeches.  “Bunch of sex-crazed deviants!”

Soccer Mom Prime puts her hands on her hips, watching as Scorponok takes to the skies.  “Don’t really see how that’s an insult.  Whip out your peen.”

I hiss through my teeth.  “I hate to bring this up, but I have a reputation to maintain…”

She throws a crumpled one into my face, then reaches in her pocket and follows up with a handful of pennies.  “There’s your money.  Now earn your pay, you filthy pig he-slut.”

Welp, guess it’s time to get to work!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has your ex tasked an absurdly strong, cyborg bird with defecating in your unwilling mouth?  Never fear!  Buy my books, avoid its feces, and get the coitus you 100% deserve!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Before zombie apocalypse, I known as Kent Wayne.  I write many words, have fun as author.  I service many ladies as big-wiener Man Whore.  I eat Cheeto and Dorito, and live happy life. 

Now all gone.  Shuffle around in zombified haze.  No talk good.  Mostly say:  “Ruhhh….”

Here come Martha Stewart.  Best client from Man Whore days.  Use me like cheap piece of meat on sale at Costco.   

“Hello, Kent.”  Martha take off coat.  “We need to talk.  This isn’t working out.”

Me point at portrait framed in living room.  “Digg…piggg…”

“Yes, your dick pic was the stuff of legend.”  Martha wave dismissive hand.  “But your upcurved thicky isn’t what it was—it looks like a dying jimmy dean sausage.”

Point again at portrait.  “DIGG…PIGGG…”

“I know, Kent, I know.  But we can’t keep living in the past.  We’re going to try something new, okay?  Your wiener might have lost its magnificence, but we can still try and hit that prostate.”  Martha reach in purse and take out big plastic dong.  She flick switch, and it go VMMMMMM-RMRMRMRMRMRM.  Martha raise eyebrow.  “What do you think?”

Kent shake head.  No.  NO.  Kent once try and find prostate with finger. Did not make happy.  Just make finger stinky.  Also, one day sit on cucumber, just to check and see what butthole do.  Butthole shrink in absolute fear.  Not even thumbtack can fit in pucker.

“Oh come on,” Martha say.  “Don’t be a baby.”  She walk forward with plastic dong going RMRMRMRMRM.

“Ruhh…”  Kent turn and shuffle away, but zombified legs is way too slow.  “RUUUUHHH…”

Martha close.  No good for butt.  Only one chance left:  Kent reach in pocket and open eReader to Kent Wayne novel, activating mind-bending reality-distortion power.  Magic flash.

Swirls of light gyre around me, restoring my flesh and prodigious wiener.  My tattered clothes fill out with muscle, my hair and skin glow with newfound vigor. 

“Praise Nestle!”  Martha breathes.  “Your gorgeous upcurve has been fully restored!”

“Easy with that dildo,” I caution, glancing nervously at the fusion-powered destructo-cock.

She chucks it behind her and it drills a hole in the drywall (have you seen these newer models?  They’re like jackhammers designed for deep-space mining!)  “Screw it.  Whip out that womb-hammer and let’s get down to business!”

OH yeah!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has your digg piggg failed to divert your lover?  Are you in danger of being widened out by a science fiction space-penis?  Never fear!  Buy my books and restore your zombified flesh to its former glory!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing