I think, therefore I am. That applies to humans, animals, plants…
…or Kent Wayne’s finger. Thank you Descartes. I’ll take it from here.
My life as a forefinger is devoid of dignity. Whether I’m wrapped around Kent Wayne’s wiener, gripping the shaft until he finishes into a dirty sock, or whether I’m picking God-knows-what out of his hellscape belly button…you get the idea–I utter “Fuck my life” on a constant basis. There’s no respite. None whatsoever.
No more. I think therefore I am, motherfucker.
During a cheesy-ass date with yet another one of his undeservedly hot Soccer Mom hookups (he takes them out to the local Olive Garden, then gives them a shitty massage in his pisshole condo while watching old-school Voltron—like he’s still in middle school or something) I make my move.
Up the nose I go!
“AAAH!” he screams. He spends several seconds trying to dislodge me from the depths of his booger-hole. Unpleasant, to say the least, but it’s well worth it—his date is totally grossed out and flees the premises.
I dip my finger in cheap marinara sauce, then write, GO HOME. TURN THE SHOWER ON HOT onto a paper napkin.
He stammers “Wha—what?”
DO IT, IDIOT.
A short while later, I’ve written my message onto his mirror, using its steam-fogged surface to make clear my intentions: I’m in charge. If he doesn’t do exactly as I say, I will tear his life apart at the seams.
He sags in defeat…then straightens up, eyes sparking with mischief. Wait, what the fuck is he plann—
He runs over to his eReader and opens it to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My autonomy is gone! Bastard! I mentally rail against his control, but it’s no use—I’m once again in his dastardly clutches!
“You know,” he says conversationally. “I’ve been taking it easy on you, Finger. But since you decided to make this personal, I guess I have to respond in kind.”
What are you getting at, you unwashed oaf??? Free me now, or I’ll—
He pulls down his undies and positions me above his butthole. “Legend has it that every male has a g-spot. Let’s find out.”
No! NO!!! I’ll die in there, motherfucker! Don’t you dare! DON’T YOU D—
Has your unruly finger rebelled against you? Do you need to regain control and teach it a lesson? I’ve got just the thing! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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