Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the cum-shield is happening, all my fellow laze-holes who never bother changing your sheets and make a habit of blasting them with jizz, causing them to harden into impenetrable armor that you use as a barrier when some asshole burglar runs into your home and tries to plug you but surprise, motherfucker, can’t get past the cum-shield, now look who’s fucke—

Wash your sheets, you nasty heathen!  Christ alive, they’re not meant to serve as burglar protection!  That’s why they invented shotguns, ADT, and the Home Alone series!  Fuck!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the terror-cock is happening, all my fellow meat-packers who are slinging so much sausage that you gotta spray it with ice water and put a bow-tie on it to make it look as small and respectable as possible before showing it to a potential mate because otherwise they’ll go make a run for the nearest weapon in a desperate attempt to fend off your—

Christ on a stick!  Lube up and lights off, you damn barbarian!  Us big-wienered folk know better than to show off our gigantimongus vajeen-wideners!  Arrogant fool!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Much to my neighbor’s distress, I finish my shower-karaoke with a not just butchered, but fisted-in-the-anoos-and-left-for-dead rendition of “Every Breath You Take” by the Police.

“I’LL BE WATCHING YOOOOUUU!!!” I scream into my shampoo bottle/microphone.

Suddenly, a double-toned voice growls, “That should do it.”

Da fuq?  I look down and lock eyes with a pair of cat-slit pupils, staring up at me from a thorn-ringed portal.  A hand pops out, grabs my ankle, and yanks me in.

Oh FUUUUUUUUuuuuucc—

The last thing I hear is:  “Welcome to Hell.  HEH heh heh!”

 

 

SEVERAL EONS LATER…

Goddammit, I am SICK of Hell!  These motherfucking demons make me bathe in piss, shop with my ex, and eat out legions of Karens!  (They taste like mothballs and Hallmark—not really sure what that’s all about). 

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!

So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Whoa!  A microphone just dropped into my hand!  I raise it to my lips and begin screeching out “I Will Always Love You.”  Somewhere in the multiverse, Whitney and Dolly convulse in disgust, foaming at the mouth as their eyes roll back and blood pours from their ears.  Can’t blame them—the lyrical fuckshow pouring from my mouth is nothing short of apocalyptic.

And lo!  My demon taskmasters can’t stand it either!  All around me, hellions and gargoyles clutch their stomachs and shit out organs.  One of them wails for his mother as he commits seppuku with a jagged rock.  Another grabs a pair of knives and stabs his own ears in a desperate attempt to escape my voice.

“SEND HIM BACK!  SEND HIM THE FUCK BACK!!!”

Shloop!  Off I go, spiraling back into my Earthly shell! 

No one can withstand my terrible singing—Kent Wayne escapes again!

😀

 

Have you been sentenced to Hell for your shitty-ass voice?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the dangly-sack is happening, all you big-scrotumed sex-machines who dread the thought of doggy style because your giant balls are gonna be subject to merciless, rhythmic impact—THWAP-THWAP-THWAP—as you soldier on from behind, crying silent tears of pain while fucking up a storm for the good of your partner but you can’t last much longer and now you’re biting back guttural moans of “Kiillll meee…” like an out-of-luck Space Marine who’s been infected by an alien chest-burster that’s just now burrowing through his stern—

Give your balls a break!  Doggy wasn’t meant for your pendulous-testicled ass!  Jesus!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

A hundred words.  A thousand.  Ten thousand.  A hundred thousand.  A MILLION.

I write and I write and I write, turning my imagination inside out, upside down and into a dimension-twisting mobius.  I lose track of time and space as my fingers dance across the keys, channeling idea after idea after idea…

“KENT WAYNE!”  The President’s old-ass face appears on my Facetime.  “JUST WHAT IN THE SAM HILL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE!?!”

“Huh?”  My brow wrinkles in confusion.  “Dunno what you’re talking about.  I’m getting some word count in.”

“MY TOP NERDS HAVE JUST INFORMED ME THAT THE PILLARS OF SPACE-TIME ARE BREAKING APART!  LOOK OUT YER WINDOW!”

I rush over to my window and peer outside.  Sure enough, a swirling vortex of unholy energy has materialized above my lawn.  Unnamable horrors pour from its locus, threatening to rip away my sanity like a storm-tossed sheet. 

“YER GODDAMN IMAGINATION JUST TORE A HOLE IN THE GODDAMN MULTIVERSE!” the President rages.  “YOU’VE DOOMED US ALL, YOU FUCKING CRETIN!”

As he’s speaking, a hellish version of Carol Baskins—black holes for eyes, gargoyle-talons for hands and feet—jumps onto my lawn and begins shitting out Karens.  They plop out in a hissing mess, screaming for managers and televised megachurch.

Oh no—what have I done?  WHAT HAVE I DONE???

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A starfighter lands on my lawn and promptly discharges an army of Sith Lords.  My heart surges with hope.  If anyone can beat back Baskins, I’d put my money on a mob of hate-masters with Dark Side lightning and a bottomless supply of sheer fucking ang—

“SHE’S TOO STRONG!” Palpatine screams.  “SHE’S TOO DAMN ST—AAAAGGH”  Before he can finish, Baskins throws an uppercut that starts at his anus and exits at the top of his malformed skull.

“Run, Kent!”  Anakin points at the starfighter.  “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

I hop into the starfighter, blubbering and sobbing.  It’s autopilot functions kick into gear, blasting me clear of the Earth’s atmosphere.  Good Christ—what have I done?!? 

THERE’S NO SURVIVING CAROL BASKINS.

 

Has your imagination torn a hole into Hell, and now the only thing you can do is run like a bitch?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

I think, therefore I am.  That applies to humans, animals, plants…

…or Kent Wayne’s finger.  Thank you Descartes.  I’ll take it from here.

My life as a forefinger is devoid of dignity.  Whether I’m wrapped around Kent Wayne’s wiener, gripping the shaft until he finishes into a dirty sock, or whether I’m picking God-knows-what out of his hellscape belly button…you get the idea–I utter “Fuck my life” on a constant basis.  There’s no respite.  None whatsoever.

No more.  I think therefore I am, motherfucker.

During a cheesy-ass date with yet another one of his undeservedly hot Soccer Mom hookups (he takes them out to the local Olive Garden, then gives them a shitty massage in his pisshole condo while watching old-school Voltron—like he’s still in middle school or something) I make my move. 

Up the nose I go!

“AAAH!” he screams.  He spends several seconds trying to dislodge me from the depths of his booger-hole.  Unpleasant, to say the least, but it’s well worth it—his date is totally grossed out and flees the premises.

I dip my finger in cheap marinara sauce, then write, GO HOME.  TURN THE SHOWER ON HOT onto a paper napkin.

He stammers “Wha—what?” 

DO IT, IDIOT.

A short while later, I’ve written my message onto his mirror, using its steam-fogged surface to make clear my intentions:  I’m in charge.  If he doesn’t do exactly as I say, I will tear his life apart at the seams.

He sags in defeat…then straightens up, eyes sparking with mischief.  Wait, what the fuck is he plann—

He runs over to his eReader and opens it to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My autonomy is gone!  Bastard!  I mentally rail against his control, but it’s no use—I’m once again in his dastardly clutches!

“You know,” he says conversationally.  “I’ve been taking it easy on you, Finger.  But since you decided to make this personal, I guess I have to respond in kind.”

What are you getting at, you unwashed oaf???  Free me now, or I’ll—

He pulls down his undies and positions me above his butthole.  “Legend has it that every male has a g-spot.  Let’s find out.”

No!  NO!!!  I’ll die in there, motherfucker!  Don’t you dare!  DON’T YOU D—

……

……………….

 

Has your unruly finger rebelled against you?  Do you need to regain control and teach it a lesson?  I’ve got just the thing!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the stripper-fail is happening, all my fellow big-wienered peers who’ve gotten a little too enthused and tried to spiral upside down on the pole while holding it tightly with your inner thighs but in the process you mash your dick-n-balls right up against the sticky metal, creating a giant red burn right down the middle of your beleaguered shaft and scrote as you hold on for dear fucking life, cheeks trembling, tears dripping as you realize this is the exact opposite of sexy and you silently beg for an end to the godawful pai—

Man alive!  Stick to the hip-thrusts and new-fangled butt-jiggles!  Ain’t no room on a stripper pole for us big-wienered folk!  Jesus Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

“So Kent, how do you feel about becoming the next Captain America?”  Doctor Ray carefully measures out a singular dose of Super Soldier serum.

“Ah, a little nervous, to be honest.”  I laugh self-consciously.  “It’s a lot of responsibility, you know?  Being strapped to a cold metal table doesn’t help.”

He gives my shoulder a reassuring pat.  “These restraints are simply a check-in-the-box.  According to our data, they’re completely unnecessary, but the brass made us use them out of an abundance of caution.  Now here we go.  You might feel a slight pinch—“

As the doc preps my arm he suddenly stumbles.  His hand drops, the needle slips in my wiener.  His fingers reflexively squeeze down on the plunger.

“No!”  My eyes widen in horror.  “My unquenchable penis has a mind of its own!  You have to sedate it before—”

“GRAAAAHHHH!!!”  My hog unravels and rises high, busting through the domed ceiling.  Techs and scientists scramble every which way, fleeing for their lives as chunks of cement come raining down.

“BOW BEFORE DEATH-COCK!”

“You fool!”  With a herculean effort, I rip my arm free of the restraints.  “You’ve doomed us all!”

*ZOOM TO EXTERIOR VIEW OF NORTH AMERICA, WHERE A GIANT CLOUD OF DUST ARISES AS MY EVIL PENIS MUSHROOM-STAMPS THE WESTERN SEABOARD*

“MONSTER!  You’ve just killed MILLIONS!”

In true world-destroyer fashion, my unholy dick responds with Cthulu-like laughter.  “RUK-KRYAK ARUCH!  ACH-ACH-ACH!”

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

SHLOOP!  My wiener goes back to normal size, wrapping snugly around my ankle and falling back asleep.

Good CHRIST. 

Let this be a lesson—never, EVER, inject Super Soldier serum into your ravenous genitals!

 

Have a cadre of scientists transformed your nether-parts into an unstoppable force for world-devouring evil?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the bung-tickle is happening, all my up-until-now-very-content fuckers who’re happily smashing but now there’s a fingertip brushing your b-hole which causes you to freeze like a jacklit deer, eyes wide with uncertainty for what the future might hold as your mind revs up to 1000 mph trying to figure out whether you should chance it because who knows if it’s going to be a gentle little push or an invasive death-tentacle that would do Cthulu proud no good options man POP QUIZ HOTSHOT WHAT DO YOU DO—

Calm the hell down!  Kids nowadays are sticking their faces in each other’s rumps, eating their dirt stars like there’s no tomorrow!  Quit being a prude, reach back, and jam that finger three knuckles deep!  Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

 

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

WHAT IF…

My wiener and ballsack achieved sentience?

Ha!  It happened!  I’m a goddamn wish-machine!

But things don’t go as planned.  The exact opposite, actually.

Wiener immediately begins slapping me across the face—wh’pap PAP, wh’pap-pap-PAP!—blinding me with its monstrous glans and wrinkled folds.

“AKK!  PHHBT!  WHAT ARE YOU—”  I raise my hands in an instinctive warding gesture.

“Stroke me, bitch!  STROKE ME!”

“All right all right!”  I begin working the shaft like there’s no tomorrow.

“Don’t forget me!” my balls yell.  “WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!”

“Oh Christ!”  Sweat pours from my brow as I double the tempo with my jerk-hand, then cradle the balls with my other. 

Forearms burning, lungs heaving…can’t keep this up…MUCH…LONGER…

So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My frank-n-beans abruptly stop flailing like the meth’d-up lovechild of Taz and Honey Badger. 

I collapse back onto my couch, completely spent.  JEEzus!

Lesson learned—never grant sentience to your unquenchable genitals!

Untrustworthy fucks.

 

Have your nether parts achieved awareness and are now threatening to beat the life out of you?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited