Musings

In order to take joy in my linear narrative, I indulge/entertain in the importance of my past and my future. But when I want to take a break and enjoy who I am, I forget whatever I’ve pretended to be.

Check out my first YA Fantasy book: A Door into Evermoor!

Check out my first venture into YA fantasy!  Jon’s a regular Earth kid who wants something more.  After he stumbles through an interdimensional portal, his wishes are granted in spectacular fashion!  During his journey, he encounters a Wolven King and an Elerican Witch, the last Wayfarer, and a half-Elf Princess!  All this and more in A Door into Evermoor! #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check it out here: A Door into Evermoor.

Get A Door into Evermoor here:  A Door into Evermoor  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1   Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!🙂 🙂 😀

Yet another weird ad for my novels

It’s been decades since I fell off the wall.  Decades since they tried to put me back together.  Eventually—thanks to cutting edge tech and advances in surgery—they repaired my body, but they couldn’t repair my fractured mind.

That’s right.  I’m Humpty fucking Dumpty.

Coke flies off the stripper’s ass, up the hundo, and into my nose.  Elation follows, but it does nothing to soothe the numbness in my soul.

“Same time tomorrow?”  Crystal shrugs on a robe and adjusts her hair.

“Yeah,” I say woodenly.  “Keep the bill.”

“Thanks babe.”  She gathers her things and walks out the door.

The fates cursed me by making me an egg, but they had to rub it in and break me into a thousand pieces.  Now, I deaden the pain with hookers and blow.  If things don’t end soon, then…

Someone knocks on the door.  “Come in!” I yell.  It creaks open, revealing a weathered face.  “Gordon Ramsay.  To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He taps his nose.  “Still got a little…”

I swipe it off with the back of my hand.  “Thanks.  What do you want?”

He shakes his head in regret.  “I’m sorry, Humpty.  I need that yolk.”  Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri walk up beside him, brandishing a pair of single-edged knives. 

“Et tu, Brutus?”  I raise an eyebrow and give a bitter laugh.  “Guess it’s time for the big reveal:  over the years, I plumbed your mothers’ wombs with my delicate-shelled cock.”  I slide off my bed into a hunched crouch.  “Now come and get some, you LOW-DOWN PIECES OF EGG-CRACKING SHIT!!!”

They scream and charge, raising their wicked instruments of torture.  I dodge and slip, sneaking in punches and kicks, but it’s three armed men against a motherfucking egg. 

So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its hidden reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Kent’s disembodied wiener flies out of a sparkling portal, flipping twice before latching onto my hand.  Knowledge from its glans floods my brain.  Holy shit…after Kent disappeared into a multiversal rift, he spent the rest of his life exploring wondrous realms, imbuing his wiener with godlike powers before he finally died peacefully in the Enchanted Booty Forest. 

I grab the start cord attached to its cybernetic base, and jumpstart the phallus with a big ol’ yank.  RRRRMMM, RRMM-RRMM-RRMM.  Just in time—I parry a slash, sliding up the blade and shoving it into Bobby’s face.  His skull and brains fly every which way, courtesy of my magical jackhammer penis.  Guy’s next; I cut him in two with a backhanded swipe, then—before his legless torso can hit the deck—I thrust the head into his chest, flooding his lungs with blood and causing it to fountain out of his screaming mouth.  Gordon flails and sputters as his eyes are coated in messy gore.  I don’t mind; I grin with savage joy as it plasters my mug.

Ramsay falls on his butt and scoots backwards, hand out in a pleading gesture.  “Humpty, please!”  He turns around and starts crawling away.

“Sorry,” I rasp.  “Someone’s guts are about to get scrambled, and you can bet your ass they won’t be mine.”  I leap forward, scissoring my legs as I superman-punch the three-foot cock into Gordon’s butthole.  The vibrating head destroys his organs, pureeing them into a jet-blast of Gross that pops his eyeballs out while spurting from every orifice in his goddamn body

Scramble ME?  No, scramble YOU, motherfucker!

Are you a sentient egg, hunted by gourmet assholes who want to harvest your innards?  Never fear!  Buy my books, turn the tables, and fuck up their guts with a magical supercock! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #booktok #writer

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl!  #WritingCommunity  #booktok

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the dick-bulge is happening, all my fellow beautifully endowed meat slingers who’ve decided to venture out wearing gray sweatpants, suddenly you’re fleeing hordes of dickmatyzed folk who want a piece of your wiener, you think you’ve made it but their saliva and crotch juices have formed a storm-tide flood and now you’re caught in a whirlpool screaming HELP, GODDAMMIT, HELP!  Coast Guard can’t get to you because it’s too damn turbulent, the President has deemed you a national health hazard and decided to launch nukes, God help your putrid, black-hearted soul—

Arrogant FOOL!  With great wiener comes great responsibility!  If you’re gonna rock a pair of bulge-friendly sweatpants, you should at least have a Batman grappling gun, an inflatable kayak, and probably a jetpack so you can escape the flood of oncoming sex juices!  Basic safety, motherfucker!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀


Check out my sci-fi series: Echo!

Echo is where I started my writing journey. The series has four books, and is filled with musings on society and existence, along with big doses of violence (especially in book 2) as well as psychic stuff and existential philosophy (book 3 and 4). You can see me get a firmer grip on dialogue, description, action, perspective, and symbolism as you progress through the series. #WritingCommunity #BookTok

Here’s the link: Echo.

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜   #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Yet another weird ad for my novels

From atop the stage, Martha Stewart clears her throat.  “A-heh-heh-HEM!  The audition will commence in thirty seconds!”

Everyone quiets down.

I don’t have a chance—I know that.  The Man Whores in this room are the finest in the world, comprised of good-looking studs that would blow Ryan Gosling and Michael B Jordan out of the water.  I’m a handsome fuck-machine, but not the kind of handsome that makes women stop what they’re doing and ask for my number; more like the handsome that earns smiles and hair-flips, nagging at ladies’ brains and making surreptitious entries into their spank-banks (probably should call ’em flick-banks, but whatever). 

Nevertheless, I’ve got an exclusive invite, so here I am.  The hors d oeuvres alone make this worth it.  I’m fine with not being picked (when Martha prompts me to showcase my talents with a raised eyebrow, I casually pass with a shake of my head) but that’s all right, because being invited is an honor in and of itself.

“Well, now that you’ve shown me your stuff, it’s time to decide!” Martha declares.  “And I choose—”

Suddenly, my wiener bursts from my pants, snaking through the air like the smoke monster from Lost.  “ONE SIDE!” it yells.  “OUTTA MY WAY!”  It stops before Martha, who covers her mouth and beams in delight. 

“Uh…my face is over here.”  I point at my mug.

She completely ignores me.  “We have a winner!” she breathes excitedly.

SIX MONTHS LATER…

If this were a movie, you’d have to endure a nauseating montage of cutesy couples activities like eating the same strand of spaghetti, wearing nifty matching clothes such as beanies and overalls, as well as the time honored tradition of zany photo booth antics, all while “Build Me Up Buttercup” is playing in the background.  Martha and my Wiener have become a single-name duo, like Bennifer or Kimye.  The worst part is they don’t even fuck.  While Martha’s sleeping, Wiener irritably explains they’re both virgins, and they’ve decided to save themselves until after the wedding.

“You’re a PENIS!” I rage.  “You don’t get married—HUMANS get married!!!” 

Wiener sniffs haughtily.  “Jealous, much?”

I cover my eyes with a thumb and a forefinger.  “Could you at least have sex?  You can hear my semen sloshing around—listen!”  I juggle my nuts.  They sound like a half-drunk two-liter being shaken by a strongman.

Wiener slaps me twice—wh’pap-PAP—in a forestroke/backstroke.  “Don’t overstep,” he hisses. 

I try and grab him by the head, but he crunches down and sprains my wrist.  As I clutch my hand and stifle a yelp, he rears back, looks me in the eye, and says, “Look at me.”  I bite my lip and hold back tears—this evil fuck MANGLED MY WRIST.  Once again, he demands, “Look at me, Kent.”

I raise my chin and meet his gaze.  He scans my watery eyes, making good and damn sure he has my attention. 

“I’m the captain now.” 

Then he curls into a spiral and goes back to sleep.

Fuck.  THIS.  I’m fine with Wiener taking the lead, but not if he’s refusing the chance to get laid!  Church-going virgin, my hairy fucking ass!  I know where he’s been—vajeens and asshole from all the world over have had the pleasure of accommodating his girth!  Where the FUCK does he get off pretending he’s an innocent sheltered preppie from the nineteen goddamn eighties???

So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Stephen Seagal materializes in the bedroom, wearing nothing but an animal print speedo.  His extra hairy belly makes it look like his torso has been enveloped by a giant mutant spider.

“Someone call for me?”  He looks at Wiener, who stirs in his coil.  “Oh—runaway phallus.  I’ve got just the thing.”  He reaches in his neckbeard, produces a glob of Awful McNasties, then digs in his pubes for a putrid handful of old-balls smegma.  He smears the disgusting mixture across Wiener’s glans, scores the air with a series of ninja gestures, then dives out the window and runs off into the night.

Wiener bolts up in bed, expelling a series of hyena-like screeches.  As smoke pours off his melting skin, Martha looks on in horror.

“What the—what did you DO???”

“Steven Seagal smegma.”  I twiddle my fingers and give her a Please-Don’t-Hurt-Me smile.  “Sorry, but he was getting out of line and—”

“MONSTER!”  She starts throwing stuff at me.  “Get out, you hear me???  GET OUT!  I HATE YOU!!!”

I cover my face as Wiener retracts into my torso.  “He’s gonna come back!” I protest.  “Just not right away!  Ow!”  A book hits me in the face.

Martha considers, then grudgingly says, “Give me a call once he recovers.  I don’t give a flying fuck about your face or your body—gimme some a’ that grade A MEAT!”

I open my mouth to protest, then shut it just as quick.  I can’t blame her—he’s pretty glorious.  Nevertheless, he needs to know his goddamn place. 

As I leave Martha’s compound, I stare down at my crotch and mutter, “I’m the captain now.  Bitch.”

Need to lay the smackdown on your mutinous genitals, and put them in their goddamn place?  Never fear!  Buy my books and show ’em who’s boss! Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl!  #WritingCommunity

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the slurp-n-gag is happening, my fellow oral enthusiasts who’re giving a 110% between your partner’s thighs, to the point where it sounds like there’s a rabid alien feeding on its eviscerated victim with some kind of grotesquely moist, proboscis-like mechanism, but unbeknownst to you your neighbors have called emergency services, causing SWAT and the fire department to bust in your door, followed by the Ghostbusters who pull up to the curb flashing their sirens—REE-ooo-REE-ooo—everyone and their mother is filtering into your bedroom, taking pictures and expressing amazement and surprise as they openly judge your sexual gobble-gobble, you cover your face and groan like Frankenstein’s monster DON’T LOOK AT MEEE—

Fuck those pricks and get back to gobbling,!  There’s never an excuse to hold back on oral—if we all got the HLKHLHLK OMNOMNOMs we deserved, then it’d bring about a goddamn Star Trek utopia!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀