“Mark Zuckerberg???” I bolt up in bed. “What are YOU doing here?”
“I’m an alien hybrid,” he replies. “Can’t you tell by my weird face and mechanical demeanor? Get ready to be abducted, you low-down Man Whore.”
“No! NO!” I claw at my bed, trying to grab a post, but he freezes my body with his weird-faced telekinesis. As I float out the door, butt-ass nekkid, my prothagonous wiener uncoils from my thigh and flops to and fro like a weighted pendulum.
“We’ll cut that down to a proper size,” he sneers. “Your Man Whore days have come to an end.”
“Monster!” Tears stream down my fury-reddened cheeks. “Fucking MONSTER!!”
HOURS LATER, IN MARK ZUCKERBERG’S GRAY ALIEN BLACKSITE…
Zuck unveils a cart/tray filled with surgical instruments. “I’m going to excise every inch of that unsightly penis-flesh, then fulfill my serial killer dreams by making a mask out of it and prancing around to weird eighties synth.”
“Since when are you a serial killer?” I blubber. “What in the FUCK?!?”
“Come on, man,” he says exasperatedly. “Look at my weird-ass hair, designed to accentuate my alien-hybrid face—of COURSE I’m a serial killer! Now. Let’s get down to business, shall we?”
Fuck it. No options left. So I reach into my shirt pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Steven Seagal steps out from an interdimensional portal. He’s wearing a silk shirt with embroidered yin/yangs, Chinese-style dragons, and various other mystical symbols. Unfortunately, he’s not wearing any pants or underwear.
“Oh hey,” he looks me up and down. “Bare-ass buddies.” He holds out a fist and bumps my hand. “Need some saving, huh?”
Mark covers his eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “Steven, I’m in the middle of something. Please leave.”
Steven waves his hand in hokey arcs, settling into the fakest of fake martial arts stances. “Let the Man Whore go.”
“I’ve been training in MMA,” Mark warns. He raises his fists into orthodox guard. “Last chance.”
Mark probes twice with a jab, then sidesteps left and leaps forward with a cross. Steven turns, jumps, and—as his ass arches up like a rhesus monkey in heat—Mark’s fist plunges elbow-deep into the Aikido master’s asshole.
“Agh! What the—” Zuck grips his hole-shlorped arm and tries in vain to yank it out. “LET ME GO!”
Steven, still facing away from the half-alien tech mogul, chuckles with glee. “You’re about to enter a world of pain. My digestive system is filled with the most corrosive rot known to man, derived from urban foraging and week-old sewer pizza.”
“Urban foraging?” Mark’s eyes widen in horror. “Like plants that grow on medians and underpasses? That’s made from pollution, man! GROSS!!”
“Try not to think about the reprocessed sewer pizza.” Steven chuckles again.
“Oh God, I can’t…” Zuck turns green; his eyes bulge as he tries to hold back vomit. “BLAAAGHHHH!!!” Chunks spew from his thin-lipped mouth, coating the floor in yellow-green slime. A second later, he starts screaming in pain. “My fucking ARM!” Satanic black veins creep up his wrist, an unholy result of Steven’s sewer-pizza-filled rectum. When they reach his shoulder, Zuck’s pleas turn into wordless howls.
Fortunately, that means he can’t maintain his telekinetic hold. As I run out the door, I shudder in disgust. Steven’s Seagal is gross enough. Add in a diet of week-old sewer pizza…BLECH.
Then again, that’s what you get for trying to lop off my wiener! Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
Have you been abducted by a mask-off Zuckerberg? Never fear! Buy my books, distract him with the most disgusting colon in all of existence, then make your escape from his serial killer dungeon!
Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization!
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