“All right, Scorponok, time for you to settle in.”  I place my newly brought parrot in his expansive cage and double-check on his food and water. 

“Fuck you!” he screams.  “Fuck you with a rusty coat hanger!”

“Um…okay.”  I rub the back of my neck.  “That’s not polite.  Think we’ll give it a few weeks to see if we hit it off.  If not, I’ll try and get you some better digs.  Maybe an aviary or something.”

“Bow before Irma!” he screeches.  “Irma Horfendorff owns your cock!”

“Wait, how do you know my ex?”  My brow crinkles in puzzlement.  Suddenly, I notice a little antenna poking up from his skull.  “Hold on—you’re a machine?  What the fu—”

His eyes go blank with swamp-green light, then he launches himself into the cage’s tines, ripping through ’em with a savage twist of his robotic talons.  As I turn to run, he flits about my face and shoulders, pecking me with his beak and shouting, “Irma send her fucking regards!  Buy her diamonds!  Throw out your old t-shirts!  Start using coasters!”

“Ow!  Fuck!”  I blink and stumble, trying to ward off Scorponok with my bent-elbowed arms.  “Not only is the Kimberly Process a joke, the diamond market was built off a deceptive advertising campaign waged by DeBeers in 1938!  Plus, WE’RE BROKEN UP, GODDAMMIT!”

Scorponok settles on top of my mouth, prying my jaws open with his servo-powered talons.  “Prepare to eat some extra-stinky shit!  This is what you get for defying her will!”

“No!  NO!”  I collapse to the floor, trying to pull the attack-bird off my face.  It’s no use—my bis and tris are no match for the cyborg avian.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Just as his cloaca start to pulse, Soccer Mom Prime appears in a blast of interdimensional radiance, and hits him in the chest with a perfect wheel-kick. 

“Get the FUCK off my Man Whore!” 

Scorponok ricochets off the wall, squawks, then flutters his wings and flies out the window.  “Fuck you both!” he screeches.  “Bunch of sex-crazed deviants!”

Soccer Mom Prime puts her hands on her hips, watching as Scorponok takes to the skies.  “Don’t really see how that’s an insult.  Whip out your peen.”

I hiss through my teeth.  “I hate to bring this up, but I have a reputation to maintain…”

She throws a crumpled one into my face, then reaches in her pocket and follows up with a handful of pennies.  “There’s your money.  Now earn your pay, you filthy pig he-slut.”

Welp, guess it’s time to get to work!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has your ex tasked an absurdly strong, cyborg bird with defecating in your unwilling mouth?  Never fear!  Buy my books, avoid its feces, and get the coitus you 100% deserve!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Before zombie apocalypse, I known as Kent Wayne.  I write many words, have fun as author.  I service many ladies as big-wiener Man Whore.  I eat Cheeto and Dorito, and live happy life. 

Now all gone.  Shuffle around in zombified haze.  No talk good.  Mostly say:  “Ruhhh….”

Here come Martha Stewart.  Best client from Man Whore days.  Use me like cheap piece of meat on sale at Costco.   

“Hello, Kent.”  Martha take off coat.  “We need to talk.  This isn’t working out.”

Me point at portrait framed in living room.  “Digg…piggg…”

“Yes, your dick pic was the stuff of legend.”  Martha wave dismissive hand.  “But your upcurved thicky isn’t what it was—it looks like a dying jimmy dean sausage.”

Point again at portrait.  “DIGG…PIGGG…”

“I know, Kent, I know.  But we can’t keep living in the past.  We’re going to try something new, okay?  Your wiener might have lost its magnificence, but we can still try and hit that prostate.”  Martha reach in purse and take out big plastic dong.  She flick switch, and it go VMMMMMM-RMRMRMRMRMRM.  Martha raise eyebrow.  “What do you think?”

Kent shake head.  No.  NO.  Kent once try and find prostate with finger. Did not make happy.  Just make finger stinky.  Also, one day sit on cucumber, just to check and see what butthole do.  Butthole shrink in absolute fear.  Not even thumbtack can fit in pucker.

“Oh come on,” Martha say.  “Don’t be a baby.”  She walk forward with plastic dong going RMRMRMRMRM.

“Ruhh…”  Kent turn and shuffle away, but zombified legs is way too slow.  “RUUUUHHH…”

Martha close.  No good for butt.  Only one chance left:  Kent reach in pocket and open eReader to Kent Wayne novel, activating mind-bending reality-distortion power.  Magic flash.

Swirls of light gyre around me, restoring my flesh and prodigious wiener.  My tattered clothes fill out with muscle, my hair and skin glow with newfound vigor. 

“Praise Nestle!”  Martha breathes.  “Your gorgeous upcurve has been fully restored!”

“Easy with that dildo,” I caution, glancing nervously at the fusion-powered destructo-cock.

She chucks it behind her and it drills a hole in the drywall (have you seen these newer models?  They’re like jackhammers designed for deep-space mining!)  “Screw it.  Whip out that womb-hammer and let’s get down to business!”

OH yeah!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has your digg piggg failed to divert your lover?  Are you in danger of being widened out by a science fiction space-penis?  Never fear!  Buy my books and restore your zombified flesh to its former glory!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“Mark Zuckerberg???”  I bolt up in bed.  “What are YOU doing here?”

“I’m an alien hybrid,” he replies.  “Can’t you tell by my weird face and mechanical demeanor?  Get ready to be abducted, you low-down Man Whore.” 

“No!  NO!”  I claw at my bed, trying to grab a post, but he freezes my body with his weird-faced telekinesis.  As I float out the door, butt-ass nekkid, my prothagonous wiener uncoils from my thigh and flops to and fro like a weighted pendulum. 

“We’ll cut that down to a proper size,” he sneers.  “Your Man Whore days have come to an end.”

“Monster!”  Tears stream down my fury-reddened cheeks.  “Fucking MONSTER!!”

HOURS LATER, IN MARK ZUCKERBERG’S GRAY ALIEN BLACKSITE…

Zuck unveils a cart/tray filled with surgical instruments.  “I’m going to excise every inch of that unsightly penis-flesh, then fulfill my serial killer dreams by making a mask out of it and prancing around to weird eighties synth.”

“Since when are you a serial killer?” I blubber.  “What in the FUCK?!?”

“Come on, man,” he says exasperatedly.  “Look at my weird-ass hair, designed to accentuate my alien-hybrid face—of COURSE I’m a serial killer!  Now.  Let’s get down to business, shall we?”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach into my shirt pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Steven Seagal steps out from an interdimensional portal.  He’s wearing a silk shirt with embroidered yin/yangs, Chinese-style dragons, and various other mystical symbols.  Unfortunately, he’s not wearing any pants or underwear. 

“Oh hey,” he looks me up and down.  “Bare-ass buddies.”  He holds out a fist and bumps my hand.  “Need some saving, huh?”

Mark covers his eyes with a thumb and forefinger.  “Steven, I’m in the middle of something.  Please leave.”

Steven waves his hand in hokey arcs, settling into the fakest of fake martial arts stances.  “Let the Man Whore go.”

“I’ve been training in MMA,” Mark warns.  He raises his fists into orthodox guard.  “Last chance.”

“Bring it.”

Mark probes twice with a jab, then sidesteps left and leaps forward with a cross.  Steven turns, jumps, and—as his ass arches up like a rhesus monkey in heat—Mark’s fist plunges elbow-deep into the Aikido master’s asshole.

“Agh!  What the—”  Zuck grips his hole-shlorped arm and tries in vain to yank it out.  “LET ME GO!”

Steven, still facing away from the half-alien tech mogul, chuckles with glee.  “You’re about to enter a world of pain.  My digestive system is filled with the most corrosive rot known to man, derived from urban foraging and week-old sewer pizza.”

“Urban foraging?”  Mark’s eyes widen in horror.  “Like plants that grow on medians and underpasses?  That’s made from pollution, man!  GROSS!!”

“Try not to think about the reprocessed sewer pizza.”  Steven chuckles again.

“Oh God, I can’t…”  Zuck turns green; his eyes bulge as he tries to hold back vomit.  “BLAAAGHHHH!!!”  Chunks spew from his thin-lipped mouth, coating the floor in yellow-green slime.  A second later, he starts screaming in pain.  “My fucking ARM!”  Satanic black veins creep up his wrist, an unholy result of Steven’s sewer-pizza-filled rectum.  When they reach his shoulder, Zuck’s pleas turn into wordless howls.

Fortunately, that means he can’t maintain his telekinetic hold.  As I run out the door, I shudder in disgust.  Steven’s Seagal is gross enough.  Add in a diet of week-old sewer pizza…BLECH.

Then again, that’s what you get for trying to lop off my wiener!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you been abducted by a mask-off Zuckerberg?  Never fear!  Buy my books, distract him with the most disgusting colon in all of existence, then make your escape from his serial killer dungeon!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing