Yet another weird ad for my novels

From a distance, you might think they were cowboys on the trail, but these four figures had no cattle.  Their fire cut a spark against the night-darkened mesas, the glow from the stars was distant and cold.  If you were to behold their faces up close, you would see three of them were wrought with anguish and strife. 

“I used to be the boss,” the first one said.  “Grammar Nazi Prime, you know?  I would drench budding writers in red-ink corrections, then revel in their beaten demeanors.  That all changed when Kent came along.”

“Goddamn Kent fucking Wayne,” Grammar Nazi Secondary agreed morosely.  “Every time I pissed on a story, Kent would materialize and dick-slap me senseless.”

“Thank God he’s dead.”  Grammar Nazi Tertiary stared blankly into the flames.  “I still bear his mark.”  Sure enough, there was a giant mushroom-stamp on the right side of his face.  It ran from his forehead to his nonexistent jawline.

“What about you, stranger?”  Grammar Nazi Prime turned to their fourth:  a woman whose face was hidden by the brim of her hat.  “What’s your relation to that low-down Man Whore?”

She spooned some beans into her mouth, chewing appreciatively as the silence thickened. 

Then she responded with a dark chuckle.  “Funny you should ask.  While you fuckbags had your panties in a twist, me and Kent got along just fine.”

Secondary and Tertiary gripped their six-guns.  “Best move along,” Grammar Nazi Prime said tersely.  “We don’t take kindly to—”

She chuckled again, took off her hat, and met their eyes.  The trio of Grammar Nazis stiffened in shock.

“Holy SHIT!” Tertiary yelled.  “It’s Martha fucking Stewart—Kent’s best client from his Man Whore side-business!  Smoke her a—”

Before he could say “ass,” Martha whipped out her eReader and opened it to a Kent Wayne novels, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Kent’s disembodied wiener appeared in her hand.  With a slash of her arm, she hit all three at once, dislocating Prime’s jaw, fracturing Secondary’s temple, and breaking Tertiary’s leg right above the knee.

“Fuck this!” Secondary screamed.  He took off into the night with Grammar Nazi Prime.

Martha cracked the penis-whip again, binding Tertiary head to toe in veiny coils.  She lifted him up off the ground as he winced and yelped, squeezed agonizingly tight by Kent’s cheese-fouled meat. 

“No, please!” he gasped.  “Don’t—”

The whip clenched in decisive twitches, breaking damn near every bone in Tertiary’s body.  He let out a scream which turned into a blood-muffled gargle.  She released the dying, mangled Grammar Nazi; he puddled onto the ground like Peter Griffin after one of his hilarious-yet-cringey accidents where all of his joints are bent the wrong way.

As the other two Grammar Nazis sprinted like hell, Martha muttered, “Oh no you don’t,” and cast the dick-whip in a long-running slash, gobbling the distance in a flash of shiny-smooth glans. 

The whip wove through the air in expansive twists, then it shot through Secondary’s mouth, out the back of his skull, and did the same with Grammar Nazi Prime.  They stopped dead in their tracks, eyes wide in surprise and terror, struggling to process their oncoming death due to the wiener in their noggins. 

“Fatality, bitch.”  Martha giggled as she dragged them back to the fire.  “I know just the thing to go with Grammar Nazi skulls—a bit of cardamom with saffron and thyme.  HEH heh heh!”

Kent Wayne wins again! 

😀

Have you passed on before your Grammar Nazi foes?  Never fear!  Summon a cannibalistic, cartoonishly homicidal Martha Stewart and turn them all into a gourmet dish!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the cock-bump is happening, all you caveman meat-slingers who’re soaping happily away in the shower, singing horrifically along to your favorite nineties soft rock, when suddenly you notice an out-of-place bump on your otherwise pristine wiener, the world hazes, you begin hyperventilating, you make a dozen unintelligible calls to some Googlable doctors screaming, “For the sake of all that’s good and holy, HELP ME GODDAMMIT!” before hanging up and dousing your piece in all manner of caustic solutions, as it burns like hell and tears of pain leak from your eyes, you ready a syringe filled with bleach and acid, grunt maniacally through your belt-clenching teeth—HHHH!  HHHH!—so you can work up the nerve to stab it with flesh-eating chemic—

IT’S A FUCKING RAZOR BUMP!  Jesus, man, take a picture of it and wait a few days!  Quit trying to destroy it with katanas, bazookas, and the Death Star superlaser!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

Check out my first YA Fantasy book: A Door into Evermoor!

Check out my first venture into YA fantasy!  Jon’s a regular Earth kid who wants something more.  After he stumbles through an interdimensional portal, his wishes are granted in spectacular fashion!  During his journey, he encounters a Wolven King and an Elerican Witch, the last Wayfarer, and a half-Elf Princess!  All this and more in A Door into Evermoor! #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check it out here: A Door into Evermoor.

Get A Door into Evermoor here:  A Door into Evermoor  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1   Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!🙂 🙂 😀

Musings

In my opinion, stumbling towards a desired destination is far better than refusing to move for fear of stumbling onto the wrong path.

Because as I stumble, I can use my momentum and gained knowledge to chart a better course. Also, with the right perspective, it can be fun getting lost.

Check out my sci-fi series: Echo!

Echo is where I started my writing journey. The series has four books, and is filled with musings on society and existence, along with big doses of violence (especially in book 2) as well as psychic stuff and existential philosophy (book 3 and 4). You can see me get a firmer grip on dialogue, description, action, perspective, and symbolism as you progress through the series. #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Here’s the link: Echo.

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜   #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Yet another weird ad for my novels

[Goddamn, Kent Wayne!] my fellow alien Zorbot telepathically projects.  [How do you like this new incarnation?  Being a Gray fucking rocks!]

As we scream across Florida into southeast Georgia, I can’t help but whoop in delight:  [EHHHHHHH-HOOOOOO!!!  This is awesome, man!  But maybe we should table the small talk, huh?  It’s hard to chat while I’m driving the saucer.]

[It responds to intent, you unevolved pussy.  Don’t red-line any of your emotions, and we’ll be just fine.]  Zorbot chugs his Bacardi, throws it to the side, and pops the cap on bottle number two.  [Here.]  He thrusts it into my chest.  [Drink you some man-juice!]

[Poor choice of words—that phrase spans a wide variety of hardcore porn genres.] I chuckle.  [Alright, gimme.]  I glug-glug-glug a helping of party water, then refocus on the chakra-based steering.  [Damn, this is fun!  I can’t believe I finally get to drive a flying fucking saucer!]

My buddy’s ignoring me.  He’s completely absorbed in our holographic render, calibrated to pick up primitive Earth signals.  [Dude, check out their porn!  These guys jerk it to sister-fuckers!]  He taps away at the display with his mind.  [It became really popular with Game of Thrones, when this guy named Lannister fucked his twin, but it goes back decades.  Holy shit, they even put it in one of their epics!  Star Wars:  A New Hope has this part where the hero kisses his biological sis…]  He bolts up in panic.  [Fuck me, we’re low on element 115!  Kent, funnel more of your consciousness into the gravitic slips or we’re gonna—FUUUUUUUCK!!!]

That’s the last thing I hear before we crash in the forest.

HOURS LATER…

A deep Southern accent rousts me from my coma.  “Lemme get th’ mouth!  Damn Grays, comin’ to OUR neck of the woods???  Hell the fuck no!”

I wake up to a gangbang, staffed by a platoon of Tarantino-style deviants.  They’re super-burly hicks, all decked out in tacticool gear, and they’re ravaging Zorbot’s mouth and ass.

[Zorbot!] I scream.  [Hold tight!  I’m gonna—]

[No it’s okay!] he projects.  [These guys are all special ops larper Second Amendment nerds—their small dick energy has shrunk their wieners down to the size of hamster tails!  It’s like brushing my teeth with a piece of floss, while getting jabbed in the butt with a worn-down pencil eraser!]

The hick leader adjusts his rig, back-slinging a four-scoped AR-platform with transparent coupled mags, three different lasers, a bipod, high-end foregrip, and a bayonet-chainsaw.  “Hey, the other one’s awake!  I call the mouth—the rest of y’all get in fuckin’ line!”

[It’s all right!] Zorbot assures.  [It kinda tickles!]

No.  FUCK no.  I don’t care how small the dick, I am NOT down for nonconsensual sex with my mouth or my butt!

So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Bigfoot jumps out from an interdimensional portal.  [Someone threw an orgy and they didn’t invite me?  That’s a GODDAMN TRAVESTY!]  He beelines toward the nearest militia member, his giant quilled penis bobbing up and down in time with his steps. 

Dozens of militia start screaming and hooting in shit-your-pants panic.  As they pull up their pants and flee into the woods, Bigfoot waves his arms and gallops in circles, mocking their terror with ape-man gibberish. 

[Aaah…]  He wipes a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye.  [I love imitating ’em.  Fucking LOVE it!]

Zorbot dusts himself off.  [We ran out of element 115.  If you got any saucer-fuel lying around…]

Bigfoot lights up.  [Yeah, man!  You can dip into my stash if I can chill on your ride!]

[It ain’t a party unless Bigfoot’s invited.  Come on, Kent!  That was fun—let’s go scare another hick militia!]

Not gonna lie, I have reservations…but I guess if they threaten me with any of their micro-penises, Bigfoot will impale them with his two-foot long, quill-covered phallus. 

I sigh in defeat.  [Let’s do it.]

Bigfoot and Zorbot break out in triumphant hoots.  It devolves into us twerking and crunking while chanting [Don’t mess with Grays!  Don’t mess with Grays!]

That’s right sisterfuckers—step the fuck off!  Lest you wish to invite the wrath of Bigfoot’s gut-shredding meat! 

Have you been accosted by a platoon of heavily armed, backwoods deviants?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Bigfoot, and make them flee into their mothers’ basements! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the death-clench is happening, all you poop-filled folks who are running for the bathroom like a guy who’s got the ball and he’s down to mere seconds in a Superbowl tie, then your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss accosts you in the hallway and starts yakking your ear off about how good you’ve been doing and you have to stand there and take it because he’s got your career in his hands and he’s one position shy of you having to call him Milord, tears of blood leak from your eyes as your butthole starts whispering, urging you to find a hole or a bucket or fucking anything to contain the burgeoning wave of evil rumbling in your colon, this man keeps talking fuck he won’t stop, your sphincter dilates in horror-movie slow motion and trumpets a glass-shattering bass note that would make Gimli’s horn-blowing seem like a kitten’s meow, walls crumble and disintegrate into fragments, flesh rips off skulls and skeletons vanish into ash, fighter pilots close their eyes and whisper a solemn prayer before uttering “Fox 3” and unleashing their missiles on you in a desperate effort to stop you from annihilating the city, Cthulu rips through the storm-torn sky, reveling in the flood of death and mutila—

And THAT my friends, is why you don’t hold it in!  Save yourself the pain of having to walk around in a perpetual cold sweat, features all tight and grim like you’re in a telekinetic battle, and go and take a preemptive shit!  Jesus, it isn’t rocket science!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

🙂 🙂 😀

Check out my sci-fi series: Echo!

Echo is where I started my writing journey. The series has four books, and is filled with musings on society and existence, along with big doses of violence (especially in book 2) as well as psychic stuff and existential philosophy (book 3 and 4). You can see me get a firmer grip on dialogue, description, action, perspective, and symbolism as you progress through the series. #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Here’s the link: Echo.

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜   #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity