Yar har, matey! Kent Wayne be sailing the seven seas!
This is the life! Plundering booty of both kinds (treasure and butthole), fighting off sea serpents, and peeing over the deck whenever I want!
Only thing missing is a beautiful lady-friend, one who can appreciate my thick, veiny phallus and copious blasts of viscous sper—
NO, Kent! I thud my palm against my head. Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Keep it romantic! They like candles, man! Picnics with fancy cheese and tiny sandwiches! Don’t let them see your wiener until they start groping it!
What the—I look over my shoulder and glimpse a horrifying sight. My ex-wife Irma Horfendorff, manifested in her true form: a human-harpy hybrid!
“Ra-KAWK! Where are my fancy cheeses and tiny sandwiches, Kent??? I WANT DIAMOND RINGS!”
Fuck me in the goat ass!
I grab the wheel, spinning it hard to starboard. “I told you: the Kimber Process doesn’t do a good job filtering out conflict diamonds, and even if a diamond happens to be clean, it gets processed in Surat, where sweatshop conditions ruin the lungs and eyes of the local workfor—”
“FUCK YOU!” She opens her maw and spits out a fireball. I see its shadow grow large on the wooden deck, right before it hits.
PKKKKEEEWWWW!!! OH SHIIIIIIIII—
I go flying through the air, cycling my arms and legs and screaming my balls off like an eighties action hero.
She blew up my ship! She blew up my ship! I’VE DREAMT OF BEING A HORNY PIRATE FOR OVER HALF MY LIFE AND NOW SHE’S FUCKED IT ALL UP FOR ME!
Fuck it. No options left. Before I splash down, I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A giant wad of my skidmarked undies streaks through the sky, like the evilest, most foul-smelling comet you could possibly imagine. Irma turns toward it, but before she can register what it is—
—it covers her face in unspeakable Gross.
“AHGOD!” she shrieks. “IT SMELLS LIKE DEATH AND UNDIGESTED PROTEIN!” She flaps away, howling like a banshee in the throes of birth.
Not the most dignified victory, but I’ll take it! Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Are you a happy-go-lucky pirate, minding your own biz, but then your ex wants to harry you into spending three months’ salary on a torture-infused bauble whose value has been derived from a DeBeers-crafted scam? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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