FIVE LIGHT-YEARS AWAY FROM THE MILKY WAY’S SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE, IN THE DIRECTION OF THE PLANET KNOWN AS EARTH…
[We DID it, Zorbot-5!] I telepathically beam to my Gray Alien comrade. [Fours!} He reaches up and slaps his palm against mine. (I know you Earthlings typically say “Fives,” but we Gray Aliens do not require the extra digit—we have evolved beyond such infantile needs.)
[Yes!] Zorbot-5 pumps his fist. [Can’t believe we made it into the New York Times!] (No joke—the NY Times has made it official; the U.S. Navy has encountered physics-bending aircraft that are not of this earth). [Man, all those cattle mutilations and giant mysterious temples were fucking WORTH it!]
[Time to go buck-nuts crazy with the anal probes!] I chortle. [I love to invade their rectums with a big-ass dildo made of exotic materials—did you see that last one’s face?]
Zorbot-5 widens his eyes and slackens his mouth, mocking the puny Earthlings we plunder and violate. [DURRR—me am from Earth! Me like reality TV and poisonous fast food! Me am bound to scarcity-driven paradigm—fuck the laws of consciousness-based creation! DURRRRR!!!]
We burst out laughing, slapping our consoles and clutching our guts. After nearly a minute, I manage, [Those stupid fucking Earthlings…I swear.] I shake my head and wipe a tear from my eye. [Ahhh…that was good.]
[I’m with you, Zorbot-6.] Zorbot-5 pushes a waist-high lever, activating the retro-drive. [Let’s probe us some assholes.]
DOWN ON THE BLUE GREEN MUDBALL KNOWN AS EARTH…
*Ranz des Vaches from the William Tell Overture*
I roll over in bed, intending to encircle my newest Soccer Mom lover with my brawny arm, but she’s already left. In her place are a couple of twenty dollar bills and a loving note in cursive that reads: “Until next time, Man Whore.”
Sweet! Forty bucks buys me two large pies from Bronx Pizza! I tuck the money into my undies and swing my legs over the side of the bed, taking a moment to smile at the dawning sky through my window. Hello, sun! Hello clouds! Hello flying saucer streaking down from the strato—
HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK!
I’m yanked through the window by a yellow-tinged tractor beam, spread into a crucifix by its telekinetic might. It slowly but steadily pulls me in, lifting me up through a port in the bottom of the craft. A second later, I’m strapped onto a cold steel table, staring up at a pair of ugly Gray Aliens.
[Prepare to be probed.] one of them deadpans.
The other one does his best to keep a straight face, but an involuntary chuckle bursts from his mouth.
FUCKERS! No way in HELL they’re gonna probe me! I funnel my entire being into a single physical action: yanking my eReader out from my undies and opening it to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My wiener surges from my tighty-whiteys (skid-mark free thanks to my bidet), snaking ten feet high up into the air and letting loose with a furious roar.
“WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!?” It swings violently from side to side, taking in its surroundings. “GRAY ALIEN PROBERS, EH? WELL TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME!”
[No!] Zorbot-5 screams! [Please—we’ll fuck off and leave you alone! We promise!!!]
“SHOULD’VE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU TRIED TO WRECK KENT’S BOOTY-HOLE!] Wiener thunders. [THINK YOUR STOOPID-ASS PROBES CAN HOLD A CANDLE TO MY MEATY GIRTH AND DIAMOND-HARD UPCURVE? PREPARE TO REAP THE WHIRLWHIND, YOU GRAY ALIEN FUCKS!”
(I wish I could include what happens next, but anal destruction is best left to the imagination.)
That’s what you get for trying to pillage my dirt star, you interdimensional savages! Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Have you been accosted by Gray Alien prober-bros? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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