Yet another weird ad for my novels

Martha Stewart’s armored goon announces, “He-whores, get in your stockades!” 

After sharing a nervous glance with Ryan Gosling, I step into a set of medieval restraints.  Legions of man-sluts follow suit.  I can’t help but flinch as our locks click shut.

“I just wanted to have some fun with Martha, you know?” Gosling mutters.  “I don’t know about this…”

“You and me both.”  I wriggle in place, wincing as the wood bites into my skin.  “Her swimsuit cover was straight-up fire, but what does that have to do with—”

“FUCK you, Kent Wayne!”  Martha strides onto the pool deck.  “You shut your fucking mouth!”  She strides behind Channing Tatum and declares, “You’re mine, you hear me?  Every one of you!  MINE!”  She plunges her arm into his bare asshole, rips out his still-beating heart, and holds it up in the air. “You fuckers think you can send me to prison???  Think again, dickholes!”  Then she bites it like a crunchy red delicious, twisting her neck with savage enthusiasm as she rends an aorta with her blood-coated chompers.

Screams of fear erupt from our ranks.  Chris Hemsworth blurts, “Martha, we weren’t the ones who sent you to prison!  Please just—”

She reaches between his legs, rips off his scrotum, then shoves it into Jake Gyllenhaal’s mouth.  Grown-ass men blubber and wail, begging the icon to spare our lives and nether parts. 

“We gotta get out of here!” I whisper to my wiener.  “Hey—you hear me?  Any second now, she’s gonna—”

Martha draws a turbocharged dildo-sword, yanks the lawnmower-style starter-chain on its base, and starts waving it around with Kung Fu-master skill.  “Hope you like them prostates scrambled!”

Wiener peeks out from my sock and squeals in alarm.  Then he unwinds from my thigh, reaches in my pocket, and opens my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

As Martha lays waste to Keanu’s trademark stoicism—his face contorts, then he lets loose with a howl of prostate-scrambled agony—Superman swoops in, breaks the locks on my wooden stockade, then grabs my hand and we fly into the yonder. 

“Aren’t you gonna save them?” I demand.  “Keanu Reeves needs a new set of organs!”

Superman looks back, a single tear running down his cheek.  “During her time in prison, she dedicated her alpha-milf mind to learning the dark arts, along with every form of combat known to man.  She’s too damn strong, Kent—if I tried to fight her, she’d stuff my ass like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

The enormity of her power hits like a ton of bricks.  As we burst into sobs, we both hum the theme from Requiem for a Dream.

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Has a culinary icon marked your anus for scorched-earth destruction?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a superhero, and make a skin-of-your-teeth escape!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

3 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s