One moment I’m pissing into a urinal, the next moment Steven Seagal is staring at my meat. 

“Yep,” he affirms.  “This is happening.”

What the—

“Dude, if you don’t stop staring at my goddamn wiener, I’m gonna aim it right at your face.”

“Go ahead,” he replies.  “See what happens.”

As I point my wiener at his mug, he smirks and informs me, “Jokes on you—I’m into this shit.”  And then he opens wide like he’s at the motherfucking dentist.  Piss spatters off his teeth and cheeks.

“GROSS!”  I zip up and run out of the bathroom.

THREE DAYS LATER…

Murggh…time to get up and work on my book.  But my cozy bed feels so damn good…maybe just give it five more minutes…

I hear a muted thump, cuing me to sit straight up on the mattress. 

“Hey!  Who the fuck is hiding in my closet??”

Steven Seagal peers out from its depths.  “Don’t mind me.  Just jerking off while I watch you sleep.  I came prepared, see?”  He runs an open hand down his ungainly torso.  He’s clad in a cheap-ass ninja costume you might find at Walmart.  “I’m a thousandth degree, ninjutsu black belt.  I’m undetectable.”

“I can STILL SEE YOU, ASSHOLE!” I shout.

He raises a finger.  “Hold on.”  Then he slides a camouflage balaclava over his neckbearded head.  “There we go.  Now I’m invisible.”

Fuck it.  I’ve tried being nice.  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Gary Busey runs into my room, wearing nothing but a stained scrap of yellow underwear.  “Someone need to be grossed the fuck out?”

As I shoot a finger at ninja Seagal, he stops jerking it and straightens in fear.  “No!” he yells.  “Back, damn you!  STAY THE FUCK BACK!”

Busey runs toward him, producing a handful of smegma from his unkempt bush.  Green smoke pours from its edges, demonic whispers sound from its depths.  I run out of the room as the two nasty fucks collide in an unheralded clash of Absolute Nasty. 

Halfway across the hall, Steven’s panicked curses turn into a soul-grating wail. 

That’s what you get, fucker!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

Has a gross-ass creep accosted you in the bathroom, then tried to perv out on you while you’re snoozing in bed?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Gary Busey, and beat that fucker at his own disgusting game!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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