“Do you mind?”  Soccer Mom Prime gives me a devilish grin.

“Not at all, go ahead.” 

Her grin widens as she rolls the condom onto my wiener.  My grin matches hers, then falls away as my wiener starts thrashing and gasping in pain. 

“What the—WHAT DID YOU DO?”  I lock eyes with my lover.

She peels off her face, revealing herself to be none other than…holy FUCK!  Grammar Nazi Prime!

Laughter brays from his jawline-devoid mouth.  “That’s a regular-sized condom, Wayne!  On you, it might as well be a weaponized tourniquet!  You’re far too weak to pull off its reinforced polymers—it’s been fashioned by none other than my fellow big-dick persecutor, Elon himself!  Micro-penises unite!”

“No…”  my lips part in horror as Wiener seizes up in panic.   

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Lightning crackles from the storm-torn sky, busting through my roof and congealing into a sphere of brilliant incandescence.  The energy begins to weave and mesh, solidifying into Martha fucking Stewart.

“Gotta let it breathe!”  She rips the condom off, causing Wiener to arch up and inhale with panicked urgency.  “As for you…”  She regards Grammar Nazi Prime with rage-narrowed eyes.  “Think you can deprive me of this Man Whore’s upcurve, eh?  Think again, gerbil-dick!”

He manages to sputter, “What are you—” 

Martha hits him with a flying thigh-tackle, wrapping her legs around his dome and bringing him down to the ground.  She unzips her pants and starts rubbing her crotch in his orbital cavity.  “Learned this in prison!  We call it “The Eye of Sauron!”

Grammar Nazi Prime screams, “Your extra-large clit is grinding my cornea!  For the love of God and all that’s holy, stooOOOOAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”  His protest transforms into a wordless howl.

Martha zips up and grabs my hand.  “Come on, he-slut!  Let’s get to smashing!”

As we run away, I catch of Grammar Nazi Prime clutching his face.  And yes—his clit-abraded peeper could give the Dark Lord’s orb a run for its money.  It’s swelling and bulging from his evil skull, wreathed with 3-D veins and bursting capillaries.

Eye of Sauron indeed!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

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