Yet another weird ad for my novels

[Goddamn, Kent Wayne!] my fellow alien Zorbot telepathically projects.  [How do you like this new incarnation?  Being a Gray fucking rocks!]

As we scream across Florida into southeast Georgia, I can’t help but whoop in delight:  [EHHHHHHH-HOOOOOO!!!  This is awesome, man!  But maybe we should table the small talk, huh?  It’s hard to chat while I’m driving the saucer.]

[It responds to intent, you unevolved pussy.  Don’t red-line any of your emotions, and we’ll be just fine.]  Zorbot chugs his Bacardi, throws it to the side, and pops the cap on bottle number two.  [Here.]  He thrusts it into my chest.  [Drink you some man-juice!]

[Poor choice of words—that phrase spans a wide variety of hardcore porn genres.] I chuckle.  [Alright, gimme.]  I glug-glug-glug a helping of party water, then refocus on the chakra-based steering.  [Damn, this is fun!  I can’t believe I finally get to drive a flying fucking saucer!]

My buddy’s ignoring me.  He’s completely absorbed in our holographic render, calibrated to pick up primitive Earth signals.  [Dude, check out their porn!  These guys jerk it to sister-fuckers!]  He taps away at the display with his mind.  [It became really popular with Game of Thrones, when this guy named Lannister fucked his twin, but it goes back decades.  Holy shit, they even put it in one of their epics!  Star Wars:  A New Hope has this part where the hero kisses his biological sis…]  He bolts up in panic.  [Fuck me, we’re low on element 115!  Kent, funnel more of your consciousness into the gravitic slips or we’re gonna—FUUUUUUUCK!!!]

That’s the last thing I hear before we crash in the forest.

HOURS LATER…

A deep Southern accent rousts me from my coma.  “Lemme get th’ mouth!  Damn Grays, comin’ to OUR neck of the woods???  Hell the fuck no!”

I wake up to a gangbang, staffed by a platoon of Tarantino-style deviants.  They’re super-burly hicks, all decked out in tacticool gear, and they’re ravaging Zorbot’s mouth and ass.

[Zorbot!] I scream.  [Hold tight!  I’m gonna—]

[No it’s okay!] he projects.  [These guys are all special ops larper Second Amendment nerds—their small dick energy has shrunk their wieners down to the size of hamster tails!  It’s like brushing my teeth with a piece of floss, while getting jabbed in the butt with a worn-down pencil eraser!]

The hick leader adjusts his rig, back-slinging a four-scoped AR-platform with transparent coupled mags, three different lasers, a bipod, high-end foregrip, and a bayonet-chainsaw.  “Hey, the other one’s awake!  I call the mouth—the rest of y’all get in fuckin’ line!”

[It’s all right!] Zorbot assures.  [It kinda tickles!]

No.  FUCK no.  I don’t care how small the dick, I am NOT down for nonconsensual sex with my mouth or my butt!

So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Bigfoot jumps out from an interdimensional portal.  [Someone threw an orgy and they didn’t invite me?  That’s a GODDAMN TRAVESTY!]  He beelines toward the nearest militia member, his giant quilled penis bobbing up and down in time with his steps. 

Dozens of militia start screaming and hooting in shit-your-pants panic.  As they pull up their pants and flee into the woods, Bigfoot waves his arms and gallops in circles, mocking their terror with ape-man gibberish. 

[Aaah…]  He wipes a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye.  [I love imitating ’em.  Fucking LOVE it!]

Zorbot dusts himself off.  [We ran out of element 115.  If you got any saucer-fuel lying around…]

Bigfoot lights up.  [Yeah, man!  You can dip into my stash if I can chill on your ride!]

[It ain’t a party unless Bigfoot’s invited.  Come on, Kent!  That was fun—let’s go scare another hick militia!]

Not gonna lie, I have reservations…but I guess if they threaten me with any of their micro-penises, Bigfoot will impale them with his two-foot long, quill-covered phallus. 

I sigh in defeat.  [Let’s do it.]

Bigfoot and Zorbot break out in triumphant hoots.  It devolves into us twerking and crunking while chanting [Don’t mess with Grays!  Don’t mess with Grays!]

That’s right sisterfuckers—step the fuck off!  Lest you wish to invite the wrath of Bigfoot’s gut-shredding meat! 

Have you been accosted by a platoon of heavily armed, backwoods deviants?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Bigfoot, and make them flee into their mothers’ basements! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

30 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels

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