I should write…nah, that shit can wait. Because MyFriendsHotMom dot com!
Right as I get to jerking my wiener, Satan appears in a flash of brimstone. “Just as I thought,” he says grimly. “What did I tell you about ignoring your talent? This is your own fault, Kent—fuck around and find out.”
I blurt, “I’ve got my dick in my hand! Let me put on some pants so they don’t—”
He grabs the nape of my soul and yanks me out of my body. “This won’t be a surprise—everyone knows you’ll die beating your meat.”
Can’t move my arms or my legs. It’s dark, warm…where am I?
“I don’t deserve this!” someone screams. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!”
Holy shit! George R.R. Martin!
“Where are we?” I ask. “Is this hell?”
“We’ve been reincarnated as a pair of hemorrhoids!” he screeches.
Hemorrhoids? Guess that explains why I can’t move. Before I can ask whose, a deadpan voice resonates through the surrounding rectum:
“Mainstream media discourages urban foraging, but they’re a bunch of clueless idiots. When I eat dandelions from a pollution-choked median, or chow down on malnourished fungus growing from an underpass…giant boost in chi, brother. And it doesn’t have to be restricted to veggies—have you ever had a slice of week-old sewer pizza? It’ll change your life, I’m telling you.”
I’m stuck in Steven Seagal!!!
“I repent!” George sobs. “I fucking REPENT!”
It takes me a second to regain my composure. “Why are you here? I can’t think of any reason you’d—”
“The Lannisters, man! After people saw ’em fucking and sucking, incest porn boomed in popularity! I’M RESPONSIBLE, MAN!!! If I had written about some rednecks named Cletus and Trishelle, no one would have batted a fucking eye! Now I’m doomed to an up-close view of Steven Seagal’s dooks and beefers! Oh yeah—he’s also an urban forager! Did you hear what he said? Fucking WEEK-OLD SEWER PIZZA!!!” The incest-inspiring author breaks into sobs.
“Help!” Someone else yells. “Get me out of here!”
Holy shit—Luke Skywalker!
“Why are YOU here?” I blurt. “Was it the alien titty milk?”
“Don’t you remember A New Hope? I kissed my sister, man—I KISSED MY FUCKING SISTER!”
As he breaks into tortured howls, the surrounding rectum begins burbling and expanding. If I don’t get out of here, I’m gonna be deluged by Steven Seagal’s extra disgusting feces. I mean, Seagal and feces are disgusting enough, but when you throw in a diet of urban foraging…
Fuck it. No options left. So I reach deep in my consciousness and tap into a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My soul rockets out of the Steve-orrhoid, back into my dick-in-hand body. As I rip free of Satan’s clutches, I hear him roaring in fury, warning me I better start writing or I’ll see him again soon.
Phew! That was close. Gotta knock out some words and tidy up my afterlife prospects. But as I stare at the browser, then at my upcurved boner…
NAH. Gonna jerk it first to MyFriendsHotMom dot com! HEH heh heh!
Have you ignored your calling, then reincarnated as a despicable hemorrhoid in a despicable man’s asshole, subject to the most despicable excrement you could possibly imagine? Never fear! Buy my books and escape Satan’s clutches!
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